Polonium Radon
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says
"Five beers,please."
The people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones..
But the people in Abu Dhabi Doooo!
What did the authorities do when Barbie’s boyfriend was involved in a serious car accident?
They contacted his next of Ken. That's a damn good joke. I'm proud of that joke.
Pussy and Bitch
A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem." She says, "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are? He says, "Well, pussy and bitch." She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy." He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning." Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him, "Pussy and bitch." Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "Son, everything inside this circle is pussy." "OK, dad, so what's a bitch?" "Son," he says, "everything outside that circle.
When I die, I hope to go quietly in my sleep. Like my grandfather. …
… Not on fire and screaming like everyone else on the bus he was driving.
Be careful if you decide to breed rabbits
I've heard that it's a real hare raising experience
What do you mean June is over?
Julying…
MY SO left me because I’m too insecure
Oh wait nvm, she's back. Just went to go to the bathroom.
What do Jeffrey Epstein and Halloween decorations having common?
They don’t hang themselves. Happy Halloween
Did you know you can tell if an ant is a boy or a girl by dropping it in water?
If it sinks it's a girl ant If it floats it's boy ant
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely” to them.
To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isnt entirely correct, because sometimes its gray and cloudy". Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either." Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No…But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."
A leaf and an emo fall from a tree. Who hits the ground first?
The leaf. The rope stopped the emo.
Why does keeping tropical fish in your home have a calming effect on the brain?
Because of the indoor fins…
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that tiny hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to slip the dying worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "That's from Grandma."
I didn’t realize my dad used to steal board-games from the toy store.
But when I look back now, all the Clues added up.
What genre are national anthems?
Country
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knee to test their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
Bill Nye has a daughter who doesn’t believe in science.
Her name is Dee.
I think I’m done buying trash bags.
I always end up throwing them away anyways.
Where does Elsa order her sandwiches?
The arenDeli.