Poo poo playtime
I’m secretly a really cool person, but I can’t let anyone know.
I'm incogneato.
Tom’s scrotum
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." (You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.) "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." (Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.) "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." (All the men sighed with unified relief.) The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife — the word is sternum."
LPT : If you ever get locked out of your house,
Talk to your lock calmly because communication is key.
I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant….
But then I changed my mind!
Some alligators can grow up to 15 feet.
Most only have 4 though.
What do you call a zombie father?
The walking dad
If I could be any super hero, I would be Aluminum Man…
…my super power would be foiling crime.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
I think my microscope has ADHD.
It refuses to focus.
My son is a man trapped into a woman’s body
He'll be born next month
I’m voting for an old, senile, racist, sexist, white man with rape allegations this year for president.
But I’m still not sure which one to pick.
I too, was once a male trapped in a female’s body….
But then I was born.
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
My daughter asked for a Cinderella themed birthday party,..
So I made her and friends mop the floor and do the dishes.
Politicians are like sperm
Only one in a million turn out to be a human being. Edit: I got my first silver. Thank you people <3
Why did the console player cross the road?
To render the buildings
if u didnt spend 6 hours automating a task that takes you 30 seconds did you really do work
https://ift.tt/3duj3Nn
Every Sunday I read the Times and complain to my kids about that orange haired narcissist dominating the paper by insulting and mocking everyone, especially those closest to him.
That Garfield needs to learn how to think about more than just himself and his next plate of lasagna.
I like my women like I like my toasters.
Turned on and in the tub with me.
Two fish sitting in a tank
One of them turns to the other and says "How do you drive this thing?"
Why are there two “d”s in “Reddit”?
The second one’s a repost.
When I was 6, Santa gave me coal for Christmas, so the next year I decided to get back at him and poison his cookies.
Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad.
I invented a new word today
Plagiarism
Why does a mathematician eat 9 times everyday?
So that he has 3 squared meals per day
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.
Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.
What did the light house keeper do when he lost his job?
He became a maid, he was already accustomed to performing light house work.
The new sex position is called Brexit:
It's when you promise to pull out but you don't:
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What do you want to see?”
Me: You pick. Her: You pick. Me: I don’t care which movie. You pick. Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.
My girlfriend has started to smoke after sex
So now we use lube
I was changing a light bulb the other day. Then I crossed the street and walked into a bar.
It was then I realized my life was a joke.
Why do cow milking stools only have three legs?
Because the cow has the udder.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the 'no-bell' prize."