Poo poo playtime
I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
Three Logicians Walk Into a Bar
The Bartender asks, "would everybody like a drink?" The first logician says "I don't know." The second logician says "I don't know." The third logician says "Yes."
A couple both age 67, went to a sex therapist’s office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse", and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would take an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90.The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from my medicare."
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"
What did they call the lightsaber when it was first invented?
Cutting-edge technology.
3 unwritten rules of life…
1. 2. 3.
How do you measure how heavy a red, hot chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
My wife said to me “you didn’t hear a word I said did you?”
I thought to myself. That's a funny way to start a conversation.
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that tiny hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to slip the dying worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "That's from Grandma."
Why did the bee get married?
Because he found his honey.
I got fined $50 for sneaking popcorn and a drink into the movie theater.
It's ok though, it still saved me money.
Kenny Loggins Should Do A Song With Kenny Passwords.
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Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
What do you call an annoyed lobster?
A frustacean
Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day …
Give a man a poisoned fish, and you’ll feed him for a lifetime!
Star gazing isn’t very fun
I’ve been doing it all afternoon and now I can’t see
Carl is into the tenth year of his life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.
…after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued. Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it." So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?" Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers." Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!" And Carl says "I shit. You knot."
My sewing instructor just told me that I’m the worst student she has ever seen.
Shit. Wrong thread.
After buying a new sail for my boat, Amazon told me it’s too late to cancel my order.
That sail has shipped.
I’d make a Sodium joke but……Na
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