Poor Astra :/
My friend told me she doesn’t like Roman Numerals because you can’t make puns from them.
I told her, I for one, like Roman Numerals.
Still no toilet paper at the store today…
My dad said they’re wiped out
The creator of Star Trek was renowned for emptying his bowels in obscure places.
He would boldly go where no man had gone before.
What do clouds wear under their shorts?
Thunderpants!
While wandering in the desert I came across a lamp
When I rubbed it a Genie popped out. Genie: You have released me from my prison, in return I shall grant you three wishes. Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way won't it? Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..
I hate two things
math
3 years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf
I haven’t heard from him since
I can’t go out to buy drapes for my windows…
These are uncurtain times
I have a fear of speed bumps.
I am getting over it, slowly.
I’m not sure if my ceiling is the best i’ve ever had
but it's certainly up there.
What do you call a snake that cleans windows?
A vindow viper
A friend suggested trying a local honey for my allergies. So I did that.
Now my wife wants a divorce.
I proposed to my girlfriend in the gym yesterday
But it didn't workout.
Whenever someone asks me if I know how to use a(n) [INSERT MICROSOFT OFFICE PRODUCT]…
… I tell them, "Why yes, I Excel at it" and when they say, "Well, can you help me do this?" Me: "Word."
My name is David and I had my ID stolen the other day.
Now they just call me Dav.
I just got hired at a company that makes bicycle wheels!!
I’m the spokesperson
What did the cannibal’s wife do when he came home late for dinner?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
My Aunt who spends hours on Candy Crush on her Kindle thought this was hilarious.
https://ift.tt/2HaGbSP
A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
The Frenchman says, “They must be French, they’re naked and they’re eating fruit.” The Englishman says, “Clearly, they’re English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.” The Soviet replies, “No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothing to wear, little to eat, and they think they are in Paradise.
Which one is tougher intellectual demandwise, Physics or Medicine ?
Medicine is well respected among general public. Physics is also regarded highly by many people.But i want to know, among both these subjects/discipines , which is tougher from the point of view of intellectual demand/ intelligence required to study ?
What’s big, gray, and makes you jump?
The elephant of surprise.
“Excuse me sir, will the pizza be long?”
"No sir it'll be round." *joke courtesy of a local restaurant
Someone broke into my garage earlier today and stole my limbo stick.
I mean, how low can you go?
My parents treat me like a god…
…they don't believe in me.
The skydiving instructor asked if there were any questions.
So…Is it a freefall? I asked him. He said, It is, indeed. I said, Good, because I haven't got any money.
I bought a new pair of gloves today…
…but they're both "lefts". Which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
Like seriously what are they talking about??
Like seriously what are they talking about??
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
I met this girl at the vegan restaurant who said she knew me.
But I never met herbivore.
When llamas took over the world
the result was alpacalyptic
“Darling, I have to tell you something”
A husband says to his wife: "Darling, I have to tell you something" Wife replies: "What?" Husband: "I don't know how to say this" Wife: "What?" Husband: "I don't even know if I should tell you" Wife: "What?" Husband: "You're completely deaf" Wife: "What?"
A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go." But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering. "You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."