Poor baby
What part of the body dies last?
The pupils… because they dilate.
No interest
Sitting here staring at a post on one of the other pages on reddit for like 2mins, not realizing I was not paying attention nor i was actually reading the post because I was high on weed.
All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen… Aleve is also called Naproxen.Β Β Β Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.Β Β Β After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.Β Β Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.Β Β Β Β Β Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixerβ¦.Β It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.Β Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.Β Β Β Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.Β Β Β Β Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.Β Β Β This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender “how much?”
The bartender replies "For you? No charge."
I tried to steal a window but the guilt was overwhelming.
I could not take the pane.
Why haven’t aliens come to our solar system?
They checked our reviews. One star.
Juan arrives at the Mexico/US border
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on a bicycle. He's got 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on the bicycle. This sequence of events if repeated every day for 3 years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico by coincidence. "Hey buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about and I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
Jeff Bezos is getting divorced
He must have realised that marriage counted as a union
My wife is mad at me because I never buy her flowers
I didnβt know she even sold flowers!
Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.
I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.
What do you call a constipated detective?
No shit Sherlock
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him
βI want to be President one day.β Trump says, βAre you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?β The kid replies, βYou know what, Iβve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.β
I’m developing a game which simulates your parents using the internet.
It's called the Elder Scrolls Online.
As I looked into her eyes, I felt my knees go weak and butterflies in my stomach.
That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!
What happened to the frog’s car when it broke down?
It got toad.
Guess who stopped smoking this morning?
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi
This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “This is my lucky day!”
Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table! Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."
i instantly forget all the things i studied that night
i instantly forget all the things i studied that night
Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for the guy.
How many Jews does it take to change a lightbulb?
Who needs lightbulbs when you have eight candles?
My wife: Iβm leaving you because of your obsession with Star Wars
Me: May divorce be with you
My parents were very against the idea of me getting a tattoo. Eventually they conceded and said that I just had to make sure I got one somewhere not important.
Bit of a pain to travel to Ohio just for a tattoo.
I only believe in about 12% of the bible…
Iβm an eighthiest
I hear you’re hunting the Loch Ness monster.
May not be Nessie-ssary, but Beast of Loch to you!
A dyslexic walks into a bra
No text found
My son is a man trapped in a womanβs body..
Heβll be born in March.
Went to see The Joker last night and some guy dressed in a full clown outfit held the door open for me into the theater
I thought it was a nice jester
How does Harry Potter get to class?
Walking. JK! Rolling!
My parents say this sub will turn me into my father.
My bio says otherwise