Poor cat cant get a rest
A mathematician wakes from a nightmare in which he encountered a creature with only one eye.
“Thank goodness,” he says. “It was imaginary.”
If your Tesla gets stolen,
is it called an Edison now?
A Spaniard is walking through a grocery store
He spies a carton on the shelf labeled "Soy Milk" He smiles to himself and says softly "yes you are"
Dad joke warning ⚠
Knock, knock… Who's there? Cargo. Cargo who? Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep. I warned you.
If I had a penny for everyone who asked me to look after their dogs,
I'd have a pound.
What do Jeffrey Epstein and Halloween decorations having common?
They don’t hang themselves. Happy Halloween
Otherwise
No text found
They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.
But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is
Can vegans eat pudding?
No! How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat!?
Some crocodiles decided to get together and sing parody songs.
It's a pun-croc band.
What did the lawyer wear to his next case?
His Law Suit.
Today I went for a walk with a beautiful girl
Then she noticed me so we went for a run.
My family complains that I never talk during breakfast because I still read a newspaper.
You can say…. I’m behind The Times.
I asked the Deacon’s wife, “would you have sex with me for one million dollars? “
Hmmm . . .a million dollars is a lot of money. I could do a lot of good with that. Would it just be the one time? Yeah I guess I would for a million dollars. How about $20? $20? Are you serious? What kind of woman do you think I am? We’ve already established what kind of woman you are. Now we’re just negotiating the price.
An artist and a scientist see a rainbow…
The artist says "That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen" The scientist replies "Unfortunately it has no use" The artist says "Can't you just appreciate it's splendor? It has every color that exists in it" The scientist concedes "Ah, so it does have porpoise"
Why didn’t the angry customer want to hear what the employee had to say?
She wasn't Karen about any opinion but her own.
There are 3 unwritten rules in life
1. 2. 3.
People are so sensitive now-a-days.
People are so sensitive now-a-days. You can’t even say “black paint.” Instead you gotta say,” Jamal, will you please paint the fence?”
Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck. They didn’t know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was…
At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him… after all, there wasn't anybody else in the island… He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier… it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this… One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her successfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they were for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life. But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed… "What's wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing…" the guy would say… She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasn't asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him… "Really?, you'll do anything I'd like?" "Yes" she said "anything!" "Ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore" "Ok…" "Now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat" "Wha… ok, I'd say I'd do anything" she said lovingly. "Ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it" She was kinda confused, but none the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tucked her hair under the hat. "Now I'd like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a moustache." "Ok… if this is what you want…" she muttered. "Now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach, I'll catch up to you in a bit", he said a bit excited… She started walking… wondering… doubting herself… just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was h… suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says, "DUDE!!! you won't believe who I've been fucking for the past 6 months!"
A guy visits his favorite dominatrix
He puts his money on the bedside table and says “I’ve been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.” She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom. Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts. She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he wriggles in anticipation, the bed posts break and his arms come free. “Don’t worry, I can fix this” he says, as he runs out to his car. He returns in a few minutes with some tools and gets to work. In a few minutes the bedposts are fixed. He looks admiringly at his handiwork and beams. “Good as new, mistress!” She says “This sub really loves reposts.”
My girlfriend said, “You act like a detective too much. I want to split up.”
"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
I just bought a pirate GPS…
It tells you exactly where you arrrr!!!
There was a kidnapping at school
Don't worry, he woke up
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I guess I wasn’t putting in enough shifts
Someone just stole my mood ring.
I don't know how I feel about that. (Credit to 30 Rock. Thought it fit here)
Why don’t churches have WiFi?
They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works. 😀
There was a woman who had 100 kids..
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.
Kid 1: “Hey, I bet you’re still a virgin.”
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ." Kid 1: "As if." Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister." Kid 1: "I don't have a sister." Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."
What do you get when you lick a Toyota?
The corolla virus.
