Poor Cathy
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says
"Five beers,please."
I messed up the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza”
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia (stolen from tumblr)
How do you drown a hipster?
You throw him into the mainstream.
What genre are national anthems?
Country
I was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm.
She asked how warm is it inside. I said Lukewarm.
Clint Eastwood gets called back from the light at the golf tournament yesterday
https://ift.tt/2Hfy47a
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order: 456123?
In charge of the sequence. Yoda was.
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" He asks. The driver says, "$15" "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15" "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15" The guy hands him $15 and says "great let's go" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
The teacher teaches me about diffusion ten minutes later
Teacher: Oh my lord why are you sitting on the text books Me: Iโm learning by diffusion
Hey Bob, do you shower after sex
Hey Bob, do you shower after sex? Well, of course I do. Great, could you please get laid more often?
(NSFL) What’s the difference between a homeless woman and a hockey player?
A hockey player showers after three periods.
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
-Sir, you have a bladder infection.
-Whatโs that? -Urine trouble, sir.
In Avatar, Aang is 112 years old
Some call him "Boomer Aang"
Earlier, I was driving behind an ambulance when a cooler fell off the back. I stopped and opened it up to find a foot inside..
So I decided to call a toe-truck.
[NSFW] Squeeze and Tug
A husband and wife were lying in bed trying to decide how to tell when the other one wanted to do the deed. The wife turned to the husband and said, โIf Iโm in the mood to get frisky, Iโll put your hand on my boob. If you too are in the mood, squeeze once for yes. If not, squeeze twice for no.โ The husband said, โAnd if Iโm interested, Iโll put your hand on my penis. All you have to do is tug once for yes, and tug 537 times for no.โ
Queue is just one letter followed by four silent letters
They must be waiting for their turn.
Sex Therapy
A doctor had a good reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he couldn't help. The Browns came into see the successful doctor and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests. Finally, he concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I can help you." "On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue. "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help." The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us." "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios… "
Why is spiderman so good at comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability.
My wife left me because she thinks I’m too insecure…
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
Whatโs the worst part of working for the department of unemployment?
When you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue.
The Naked Hippie
This joke is one i came up with to annoy my wife. She hates it lol. A naked man walks into a tailor's shop. The tailor screams at him. "Hey, get out of my store! You can't come in here like that." The man replies, "awww, c'mon dude….cut me some slacks." The end
We all know about Murphyโs Law โ Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Coleโs Law?
Itโs thinly sliced cabbage.
I went for my interview to be a bus driver.
I said, "Sorry I'm late." They said, "You're hired"
How did glue win the marathon?
He paste himself.
there is love without sex, and there is sex without love.
and then thereโs you, without both.
Three dinosaurs find a magic lamp with a genie inside.
The genie says โI can give you all one wish. Anything your heart desires!โ The first dinosaur says โI want a big piece of juicy meat!โ And he is given the biggest piece of meat for miles. The second dinosaur, in an attempt to one up the first says โI want a meat shower!โ And he is showered in delicious meat. The third dinosaur, not to be outdone by the other two says โI want a meatier shower!โ Edit: Thanks for the silver!