Poor electron
So, no nut November has been over for about a week…
About how long should it take for them to grow back?
A little British boy raises his hand to ask his teacher a question
"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?" The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond. She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the class what you think freedom is dear" The little boy comes up to the front of the class and the teacher hands him a big thick dictionary of english. "Go on dear, find us the definition of freedom" The boy arrives at the section for F and finds the definition. "Freedom means doing whatever you want whenever you feel like it with total disregard for others no matter the consequences it has for the people around you or the destruction it causes. Freedom is the broken record answer you give to end every reasonable arguement where someone tries to get you to do something you don't feel like doing." The teacher is shocked, The class looks up stunned and confused and the little boy bows his head in dissapointment, tears filling his eyes. About to console the little boy, the teacher notices the cover of the dictionary and beams a bright smile. "Don't worry class!" she rejoices, "That one is American English" Made in response to all the lockdown protestors in America who won't stfu and stop putting their country to shame. They don't define America Edit: I'm confused by the angry Americans, Why come to r/jokes without your sense of humour. It's not meant as a slight to america as a whole, just that small group who are protesting the lockdowns.
“Hey dad, what does gay mean?” The boy asked his dad
"Gay is when a person is happy." his dad replied The boy thought for a long time before asking "Hey dad, are YOU gay?" His dad quickly responded again with "No son, I'm married to your mother."
My 8 yr old son asked me to buy him a Lamborghini
I told him by the time he got his license and was old enough to drive it, it would be a Sheeporghini
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet…
I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.
Short and sweet cannibal joke
Did you know cannibals don’t exist anymore… I ate the last one yesterday
I’m telling dad jokes…..
Sometimes he even laughs!
A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.
“What are you doing?” the man inquires. “Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!” “Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!” He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little heart out. “What’s the matter, son?” asks the father. “Uncle James is in the closet with no clothes on, Daddy,” replies his tearful toddler. Enraged, the man runs back upstairs, flings open the wardrobe and finds his brother there absolutely naked, just as his son had said. “You bastard, Jim,” screams the man. “My wife is over there having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring Johnny!”
If having sex for money makes you a whore…
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?
What did the llama say when he was getting evicted?
“I guess alpaca my bags.”
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.
I take that as a compliment.
What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts
What did the cowboy say when he was reborn?
What incarnation?!
Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell people he was a vegan.
The Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life!”
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.
Three guys die and go to hell [LONG]
Satan meets them for orientation. He asks the first one "What was your favorite sin in life?" He replies "It would have to be booze, I stayed drunk all the time." So Satan leads him to a door and opens it to reveal a giant room containing acres of every type of alcoholic drink imaginable; beers, whiskeys, rum, vodka, wine, etc. "Very well," Satan says. "You'll spend the next hundred years in here." "Hell yes!" the first man replies and jogs into the room while Satan locks the door behind him. "What about you?" Satan asks the second man. "It was definitely lust for me. I shagged every woman I could in every way I could. I couldn't stay faithful to any of my wives." "Very well," Satan replies and opens a door to reveal acre upon acre of beautiful, horny women in every imaginable configuration; blondes, brunettes, redheads, Asian, African, fat, skinny, voluptuous, etc. "I'll be back for you in a hundred years." "Hell yeah!" the second man exclaims as he charges into the room, stripping off his clothes as he goes. Satan locks the door behind him as well. "And last but not least, what about you? What was your favorite sin in life?" Satan says to the third man. "Man, it was definitely the drugs. I was high all the damn time," replies the third man. So Satan leads him to another room and opens the door to reveal a fat joint the size of a telephone pole lying in the middle of the room. "Alright alright alright!" the third man says as he walks in and sits down cross-legged in front of the giant doobie with a huge grin on his face. Satan says, "You know the drill, I'll be back for you in a hundred years." as he locks the door. 100 years pass and Satan unlocks the first door. The first man comes crawling out, covered in a hundred years worth of vomit, excrement, and piss. Dry heaving, he looks up at Satan and says "I swear to God, I will NEVER drink again!" Satan nods and says "You've repented of your sin so I'm going to give you a second chance at life." Satan unlocks the second door and the second man drags himself outside with his arms because nothing below his waist is working anymore. He's hollow-eyed, emaciated, and covered in scratches and claw marks. "As God is my witness, I'm never even going to LOOK at a woman again!" Satan replies "Very well, you're repented of your sin so you get a second shot at life." Satan unlocks the third door to find the third man still sitting cross-legged with bloodshot eyes. And the enormous joint still sitting right in front of him. The man wipes the tears from his face, looks at Satan and sobs out, "Hey man, got a light?"
Cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust but can’t survive a slap from a newspaper.
That shows how toxic the media is.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot
Those dudes are royal AF
Hey Atheists! If God isn’t real,
Then why did my girlfriend get pregnant even though we didn’t have sex?
Phone rings…….Dad: What does the Caller ID say?……Son: It says Private Caller……
Dad: Don't answer it. We only pick up for ranks Lieutenant Caller and higher.
Is infinity odd or even?
Oddly enough, it's even. But even so, it's still an odd concept.
I’ll never forget my Uncle’s last words to me just before he died.
"Are you still holding the ladder?"
Whats the difference between running in front of a car and running after a car?
When you run after the car, you get exhausted. If you run in front of it, you'll get tired.
I just started buying stock from the market
I have beef, chicken, and vegetable. One day I hope to be bouillonaire.
Gotta love dad jokes
Wife: I have something I need to tell you, I’m pregnant. Husband: Hi pregnant, I’m Dad. Wife: No you’re not.
A mobile phone is like a penis.
Fun to play with in private, but should never be pulled out at the dinner table.
I couldn’t decide what to get my buddy for Christmas, so I got him a prostitute with an accounting degree.
It's the thot that counts.
A man wanders back home at 3:00 am.
His wife: You are late.You said you would be home by 11:45 pm. Man:(Casually) I said i would be home by a quarter of 12.
What do antioxidants and dictators have in common?
They both eliminate free radicals.
I like my women how I like my Coronavirus
19 and easy to spread
My Friend Told Me He Identifies As A Broadcasting Radio Station
I told him “You can’t be Sirius”
Technically, national anthems are just country music.
No text found
No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”
The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a nickel-less cage.
Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.
The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again. His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!” “Well,” Teddy replies, “today when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fucking around.”
How do pickles celebrate their cake day?
They relish the moment.
I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m too scrawny…
I just gave my too weak notice!