Poor family of carbon
Teacher: Oh my lord why are you sitting on the text books Me: I’m learning by diffusion
but when I smoke a lot of weed no one calls me… Or texts me… or talks to me… I’m very lonely.
Apparently they are desperate to get a photo of A hole that sucks all your time and energy.
But don't worry, it was B9.
She still isn't talking to me.
But the reception was amazing.
"I wish you'd called me something else," he often says.
In my defence there were signs everywhere saying "please don't feed the animals"
I don’t understand how she can feel that way.
Always walkin around like they rent the place.
[NSFW] So yesterday I went out side and punched a white person, I was charged with assault, today I went outside and punched a black person…
…I was charged with impersonating a police officer.
It was a brief case.
He disappeared without a tres
He said it was his pleasure.
He got tanked
She said: To stop seeing the same joke over and over in r/jokes. Oh, and also fuck you.
While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused…
I guess it was the delivery!
"Arrrr…it were on sail."
They let out little prosti-toots
So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women turning
Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘ As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challenge given and goes first. She notices the swamp barely reaches her ankles and thinks ‚Well, that‘s what you get for lying. At least, I did it for a better Europe.‘ Curious about how the others are doing, she looks behind her and sees Putin covered in mud up to his knees. Furiously, she shouts: ‚This is impossible! Your reign was a dictatorship, you influenced world politics and economics to your benefit and you’ve achieved all that only by telling lies. How is it possible you‘re only knee-deep in this swamp?‘ Calmly, Putin answers: ‚Hush! I‘m standing on top of Donald and he hasn‘t noticed yet.‘ Edit 1: Fixed a typo Edit 2: Thanks for the silver, kind stranger! Also, hi r/awardspeechedits
The police officer handcuffs her “You have the right to remain silent” he says. She suddenly starts laughing. The police officer notices, and questions her behavior. “Why, you see, I’m just happy to finally have a right!”
Make me one with everything.
It's different to the other jokes.
Because they cant even.
It's the little things that count!
With one good vowel movement
You can only ran, because it’s past tents
I said "No, I think all kids smell like that"
some minority would probably mug me for it.
They kill dogs
Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States. “Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked. His father pointed at a map towards North America. “Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his father. The man pointed towards the Soviet Union. “And I’m told we’re also at war with the British Empire. Where is that?” The father pointed out all of the territories owned by the British. “Where is Germany again, Father?” He pointed to their home country in Central Europe. Hans pondered this information for a second. “One last question, Father.” “Yes?” “Has Hitler seen this map?”
But everyone was blown away by the leaf blower.
It's fine, he woke up.