I’m longing to become a Petty Officer.
They swept the finals
A hockey player showers after three periods.
…the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. "Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop. The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the cop. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?" Cop: "Bigger." Chief: "Governor?" Cop: "Bigger." "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?" Cop: "I think it's God!" Chief: "What makes you think it's God?" Cop: "He's got the fucking Pope as a chauffeur!!"
So my science teacher thinks that the nucleus is the power house of the cell. Not the mitochondria. Should we rebel?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
4 For Sales 5 For Customer Service or 6 to hear these options again
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
The Times are rough
I wish tinder had it too.
I find them quite re-markable.
"No, I only drink when someone else is paying."
But I can stop whenever I want.
I would post proof, but it's obvious that I'm Joe King.
I mean… how low can you get!
The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend." The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language." The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue. "Well father," he begins. "I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church." The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?" The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I hooked my drive well left into the trees." The priest said, "And that's when you swore." The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree." The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?" The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away." The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?" The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole." The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed that fucking putt!"
Because he couldn't see that well
It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
It was called Diffi cult.
Because freedom rings
"Class, I'm going to give you a famous quotation, and if you can tell me who said it, I'll give you the day off on Monday. "The first one is, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.' Who said that one?" Little Johnny's hand shoots up immediately, but the teacher calls on Little Stevie. Little Stevie says, "That was John F. Kennedy, ma'am." "That's right, Little Stevie. You may take the day off on Monday." Little Stevie replies, "Actually, ma'am, I'm Jewish, and we believe in education. I'll be here on Monday." The teacher thanks Stevie for his dedication and then says, "Our next quotation is, 'One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.' Who said that one?" Again, Little Johnny's hand shoots straight up because he'd love a day off, but instead the teacher calls on Little Susie. Little Susie says, "That was Neil Armstrong, teacher, but just like Stevie, I, too, am Jewish and believe strongly in education. I'll be here ready to learn on Monday." From the back of the class, Little Johnny yells, "Fuck the Jews!" The teacher whips her head around and shouts, "Who said that?!" Little Johnny replies, "Adolf Hitler. See ya Tuesday."
It was Won Ton
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
A man enters a sex shop, looking for a new toy to keep his wife busy while he goes on business trips. As a higher-up in his corporation, he tends to be away from home several times a month, and wants to ensure his wife stays faithful. When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see an old, wizened man tending it. He asks, nervously: "Do you work here?" He replied "Yes, I do". Still stupified by this mystical old man, the husband stammers…I uh…uh..am looking for something for my wife. My work requires me to travel and I wan't something that can keep her satisfied so she won't cheat on me. The old man blinks slowly a few times, then says: "Yes, I believe we have what you're looking for." He pulls out a wooden box, covered in dust. It looks ANCIENT. As he opens the lid, the smell of old wood floods the husband's nostrils. This here is a Voodoo dick. It has magical powers and I assure you, it would keep any women satisfied. The husband laughs harder than he has in a long time. "Did you say VOODOO dick? HAHAHAHA I can't believe you're trying to sell me this sh*t". The old man just looks at him. "Allow me to demonstrate to quash your doubts, I suggest you stand away from the door." The husband looks behind him, and with a quizzical look on his face, takes three steps away from the door he was leaning against. The old man speaks. "VOODOO DICK, The door!" All of a sudden, the gnarled, wooden shaft lying dormant inside the box floats into the air. It levels off with the doorknob, then soars through the air directly at the keyhole. A thunderous bang bang bang can be heard as the voodoo dick tries violently to enter the hole that is far too small for it. The door starts to shake and hinges rattle. The man says I'LL TAKE IT!!!!! The old man then says VOODOO DICK, the box! And as if on rewind, it slowly glides back into the box, and lay still. Upon arriving home, his wife asks him what he has in the box. "It's a voodoo dick, honey", he says. The wife starts dying of laughter. "Voodoo dick? hahahahaha you must be joking!!" The husband gives her a stern look and says: "Listen, I know how lonely you get on those business trips of mine, and this will keep you occupied so I know you'll be faithful." He then says: "Voodoo dick, her pussy!" The lid of the box bursts open as the dick flies through the air, directly towards his wife's crotch. There is the definitive sound of her panties ripping as the dick penetrated through the fabric, into it's designated spot. The wife: "What the he….hey….ooooo…mmm…oh…my…god…!!!!" She is shaking on the couch. The husband smiles and says, see you later honey, I'm going golfing with some pals from work!. She is too busy biting her lips to respond. Three hours pass. Finally, decided she's been satiated, the wife tries to remove the dick from inside her. She pulls, tugs at it with all her might, but it won't budge. The thing remains inside her and refuses to move. She panics. She sees her husband's cellphone on the living room table. He forgot it. And he didn't tell her how to turn the thing off! With the voodoo dick still thrusting inside her, the wife runs to the garage and starts the car. She has to get to a hospital. She's freaking out. 12 minutes later, she is pulled over by a traffic cop for doing nearly double the speed limit. He asks her why she felt she needed to risk her life and the life of others by speeding. He thinks she's on drugs, because she's not talking coherently. Officer…oh…ahh…see…uh..my husband bought this….voodoo dick…for me and it won't come out!!..And oohhhhhh…….ahh…he didn't tell me how to turn it off! He's gone..golfing with his friends…and I can't…get a hold..of him. The officer looks at her with a blank expression on her face. He bursts out laughing. "Hahahahaha, that's a new one! Never heard that one before! Voodoo dick, my ass!"
I like to remind her that most lottery winners blow their winnings.
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.”
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass……… It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!