Poor Grandma
As a part of their job, executioners are not allowed to high five their victims before executing them.
It’s their job to leave them hanging.
Marathon runner ran 26.3 miles to spell out “BOSTON STROG” in her fitness app
https://ift.tt/2VtzPWC
I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video…
He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell. Then all the other bells started to ring.
I yelled “Cow!” at a woman on a bike…
She gave me the finger. Then she ran into a cow. I tried.
I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.
They didn't like me critter sizing.
My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves…
Looks like the boa cons tricked her…
A student goes to talk to his professor about his grade.
The student comes up to the professor, "What is this, why did you grade me an 80?" The professor looks at the exam again, "Yep, an 80 is what you deserve" The student takes the exam back, and asks "If I'll bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?" The professor is surprised, but still he agrees, at which point the student then takes out his glass eye – and bites it. The shocked professor then takes the exam back, and marks it 85. The student then says "If I'll bite my nose, will you give me a 90?" The professor is once again shocked, "He can't pull out his nose" he thinks to himself. He finally agrees, at which point the student takes out his dentures, and bites his own nose. The professor then once again takes the exam, and marks the grade 90. The student then makes another offer: "If I'll get up on this table, and pee the perfume Coco Chanel on you, will you give me a 100?" The professor now has to see what this kid can do, so he agrees. The student goes on the table, and pees all over the professor, the professor's shirt is soaking wet, as he goes to to sniff it. "What the hell?! This isn't Coco Chanel! This is piss!" The student then goes "Fine, we'll leave it at 90".
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
The national Origami Championship is on television tonight.
It's on paper view.
Was searching for calculator project in github. Saw this. It belongs to here.
https://ift.tt/34G8X7p
My friend is spreading rumours about me being schizophrenic.
Well, three can play that game!
So I divorced my cross-eyed wife…
We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.
Went for a walk and fell into a hole filled with water
It was a day well spent
Like I get the 80s were nice, but the amount of media that uses 80s nostalgia is getting annoying and dull at this point
Like I get the 80s were nice, but the amount of media that uses 80s nostalgia is getting annoying and dull at this point
What’s the difference between a scientist and plumber?
The way they pronounce unionized
I was really bored, so I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
If police never did wrong, people would trust them
Nobody ever made a song called “Fuck The Fire Department” ….
America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona
By keeping the first one going
Jesus is watching you
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard "Jesus is watching you." Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yes", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the parrot. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "The same kind of people who would name a Pit Bull Jesus."
Japanese Banking Crisis
Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry. In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while shares in Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nosedived. Samurai bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black. Furthermore 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank where it’s feared staff may get a raw deal.
When I was a kid, I made a really big sandcastle with my grandma
Unfortunatley, I didn't impress anyone at the cremation…
My 8yr old daughter got me with “I can breathe under water”
She filled a cup of water placed it on her head and began to violently and rapidly breathe in and out. The force is strong with her.
While I was at the gym, I decided to hop on a treadmill.
People started giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
Did you hear about the new radio station?
W-I-F-E They tell you what to do all day long!
I was at the zoo, and saw a baguette in a cage.
The Zookeeper said he was bread in captivity.
I’ll never let my children watch the orchestra
There’s way too much sax and violins
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
For protection against being called a boomer, you can now designate your generation via a user flair.
Stay safe out there.Addition sub changes:Ability to report common repostsAbility to report NSFW posts that need to be marked NSFW
What do you call someone who doesn’t fart in public?
A private tutor
I spent all night trying come up with a dad joke
When suddenly it dawned on me