Poor guy (still laughed my ass off though)
So, little Johnny has a report due for government class…
He asks his dad to explain government. His dad thinks for a minute, and explains it like this: I am Congress, your mom is the judicial system, your sister is the unemployed, you are the group too young to vote, and the maid is the working class. So that night, little Johnny is trying to figure out what his dad meant, and got up to get a drink. On his way to the kitchen, he watched his sister sneak out of the house with her boyfriend. He grabbed his drink, and on the way back to his room, he saw his dad sneak down to the maid's room. The next morning he tells his dad, so I think I have it figured out. His dad asks, so how do you think it works? Little Johnny says: "The unemployed are out fucking around while Congress is screwing the working class, the judicial system is asleep, and the people too young to vote are watching it all happen…"
What do you call a short psychic who just escaped prison?
A small medium at large
What do you call a teenage boy’s bedside diary?
Sticky Notes
It is okay if you don’t know what “prefix” means.
It’s not the end of the word.
My cross-eyed girlfriend left me.
She was seeing someone else.
How does NASA organize a party?
They Planet.
My wife said to me that if I got her another stupid gift this Christmas, she would burn it…
So I bought her a candle…
Thank goodness Reddit is back up
I was almost productive for a second there!
How does a rock pee?
He Dwaynes his Johnson
I’m getting second thoughts about whether accepting this job was a good idea.
https://ift.tt/35ZRhV2
What do you call a crocodile that is a detective?
An investi-gator
I’m never again donating money to anyone collecting for a marathon.
They just take the money and run.
I’ll let you have this roof for free
It's on the house
Want to hear my latest joke about the Fibonacci sequence?
It's as good as my previous two Fibonacci sequence jokes put together!
I hate autocorrect…
It always makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo…
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack
Did you hear about the lumberjack’s first day on the job?
He got the axe after making a cutting remark about some dead wood.
Three old and deafening men were hanging out at a bar.
The first says: “Windy isn’t it?” The second says: “Wednesday? Isn’t it Thursday?” The third says: “Thirsty? Let’s order some drinks!”
Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away
RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74
A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother a question
"Is it true what Rita just told me?" "What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. "Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. "But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"
I keep asking people what LGBT means
I can never get a straight answer
Why is the Great Wall of China considered one of the seven wonders of the world?
Because it is an actual long-lasting Chinese product.
A Psychology professor starts off his lecture by telling his students.
"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage." With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number. "Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers. "No, I'm sorry, you have the wrong number" says the person on the other end. "You see that students, that's surprise. Now allow me to show you what irritation sounds like." He picks up the phone again, and dials the same number. When it answers, the professor asks. "Hi, can Dave come to the phone?" "I told you you have the wrong number" "That's irritation, my friends" says the professor. "Now, let's look at what rage looks like" He picks up the phone and dials the number again. When it answers he asks. "Is Dave available?" "LISTEN, YOU FUCKING DIPSHIT. IF YOU CALL THIS NUMBER AGAIN, I'LL COME OVER, BREAK THAT PHONE IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS. AND IF IT DOESN'T FIT, I'LL PUSH IT IN WITH MY COCK!!!!!!" "And that's rage." "Professor, you forgot the fourth stage," says a young man in the front rows. "And what might that be?" asks the professor. "It's called the stage of total confusion. Allow me to demonstrate" He comes up to the podium, takes the professor's phone and dials the same number. "Hello, this is Dave, has somebody called me today?"
Where do Muslim llamas come from?
Alpacastan! …I'm not sorry.
What’s everyone doing next month?
Cause I’m not sure – I don’t have 2020 vision. You’re welcome, Dad
What’s on the inside of a fire hydrant?
H2O. What's on the outside of the hydrant? K9P
My son asked if I could tell him what a solar eclipse is
I said “No sun”
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
What’s the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
A brother hits his sister in the eye with a pool noodle.
It was an accident but the girl gets a really nasty black eye. So the next day the girl gets to tell to all her friends about it and blames the brother. The brother doesn’t like the unwarranted attention. He goes to his father and tells him he doesn’t like his sister telling everyone he hit her. The father finds it reasonable and tells the sister not to tell people about it as it is embarrassing the brother. The next day she goes to school and the teacher notices the black eye. The teacher goes up to girl and asks if she is alright. The girl responds that she is fine. The teacher then asks how she got such a nasty black eye. The sister responds, “My father told me not to say.”
My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator…
I guess we are raised differently…
It seems I may have made a mistake here…
It seems I may have made a mistake here…