Poor guy took too much
I bought shoes from my drug dealer…
I don't know what he's laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
Vaccinated kids are more likely to have autism
Because they're still alive.
If you’re questioning your sexuality…
You probably aren't thinking straight.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Did you hear about the new movie “Constipation”?
It Hasn’t come out yet. But Critics are saying it’s crap. And there’s a sequel…. “Number 2”
My neighbor shingled my roof for free
He said it was on the house
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine.
I added some fruit and orange juice—now she’s sangria than ever.
A friend said she did not understand cloning…
I told her that makes two of us…
How do you know a redditor has left a hotel?
Username checks out
A fortune teller told me I’d suffer awful heart break in 12 years.
To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.
I asked my mum, “How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.
Wanna here a joke about a broken pencil?
Never mind, it’s pointless…
Dad joke
Wife: I'm pregnant. Dad: Hi pregnant, I'm dad. Wife: No you're not.
A guy with bad gas goes to the doctor
He says “doc, you gotta help me. I can’t stop farting. It’s the weirdest thing, they don’t smell, and there’s no sound, but they won’t stop. I’ve farted 5 times while telling you this and see, you didn’t even notice” The doc writes him a prescription and says “take this and come back in a week. A week later the guy comes back and says “Doc, those pills didn’t stop the farts. All they did was make them smell terrible. I can hardly stand it” The doctor replied “Good. Now that your sinuses are cleared up let’s work on your hearing”
Here you have some cocaine, but remember
With great powder comes great responsability
I recently failed my Medical College entrance exam because of nerves.
The correct answer was blood vessels.
What’s the difference between a religion and a cult?
In a cult, there is someone on top that knows it’s all nonsense. In a religion that person is dead.
If i had $1 for every girl that didn’t find me attractive..
.. they would eventually find me attractive
A policeman knocked on my door this morning…
A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence. After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away. Then he decided to look through the window. He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door." I said, "You're not coming in mate!" He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."
WARNING! To whom ever took my glasses!!!
I will find you, I have contacts!
What do you call a nervous Darth Vader?
Panakin Skywalker
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
a book just fell on my head…
i've only got my shelf to blame….
I just finished designing a website for an orphanage
There isn't a home page
A mailman notices a mail box with the flag up
So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day. A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day. The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong. The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb. “Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.” “Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk. “But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.” “But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”
Halloween dad joke
why don't skeletons go trick or treating? Because they have nobody to go with haha
My son asks me, “What does gay mean?”
Me: "It means 'happy," Son: "Oh, so are you gay, then?" Me: "No, son, I have a wife."
My father doesn’t trust anyone. In fact he has a saying…
But he won't tell me.
