Poor Java Garbage Collector
What do you call a man that states the obvious?
A man that states the obvious
What’s that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?
Everyone I ask can't remember either.
A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill and the donkeys rarely got away.
Long story short, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so that they wouldn't bypass the ass hole.
There was an emperor who was great at measuring things.
He was an excellent ruler.
*burgler gently waking me*
You live like this?
It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right.
Alcohol IS a solution.
What did the farmer do when he lost his wife?
He tractored down.
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was “work” and how much of it was “pleasure?” A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work. A Captain said it was 50%-50%. A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion? Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure. The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why? "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
I’m very generous when it comes to giving to charity.
I always say, "No, thank you. I'm not interested. But thank you for considering me, good day."
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
Casualty of War
https://ift.tt/2K74qmF
My therapist told me that I have trouble interpreting social cues.
I think she’s in love with me.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger
Then it hit me
A cowboy, who just
moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." “It hasn't affected my brothers though."
I just paid $350 for a limousine, but found out it didnt have a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.
A friend of mine said…
…that he had made the world’s flattest, blandest dough. To that I responded, “Prove it then!”
Adultery is a sin..
You can’t have your Kate and Edith too.
I finally understood Einstein’s theory of relativity.
It was about time.
[First date] Her: So, what do you do? … Him: I’m working to eliminate all cancers.
Her: Wow! That’s impressive! Him: Thanks. Next up, Capricorns.
When Mozart was alive, he was composing. Now that he’s dead,
He's decomposing
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
A weasel walks in to a bar. The bartender says “What can I get you?”
“Pop” goes the weasel.
Why were the Native Americans the first to come to America?
Because they had reservations
My wife is like a newspaper…
there is a new issue every single day.
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.' The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?' 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
Autocorrect…
Makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo.
My neighbors started makes sex videos.
They just don't know it yet.
You were named after Adolf Hitler.
He was named first!
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Don’t know, don’t care.
Whoever wins the MegaMillions jackpot will make history
They'll be the first billionaire to pay taxes
A woman was in some distress one day when she locked herself out of her car.
An army man was walking by in the car park so she waved him over and said "excuse me can you help me, I've locked myself out". "Sure" he says. So he takes off his pants and rubs them against the door and as if by magic the door unlocked. "Wow" said the woman, "how did you do that?" He replies "These are my khakis".
