Poor Kurds.
The biggest, toughest American soldier in the platoon in Eastern Europe limps in, badly injured.
His Captain yells, "Good Lord Corporal! What happened to you?" "Well Captain", he says, wiping blood from his face, "I was out on watch, and I looked across the road. And I saw this Russian soldier, real big bastard. And I looked at him, and he looked at me. So I started walking towards him, and he starting walking towards me. And we met in the middle of the road." "And I said to him 'Putin is an evil, murdering, election cheating tyrant!" "And he said to me, 'Trump is retarded, lying, spoiled rotten little baby!" "While we were standing there shaking hands, we got hit by a truck."
Uuhhhhh someone messed up
https://ift.tt/2Ztrunc
Kidney stones?
I think I'll pass.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
A joke without a punchline is like
No text found
My wife thought I wouldn’t be stupid enough to give our daughter a silly name.
But I decided to call her Bluff.
Did you hear about the the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere
Why did man invent curling?
To convince women sweeping was a sport.
I’m getting second thoughts about whether accepting this job was a good idea.
https://ift.tt/35ZRhV2
The first Karen to get covid was….
Impatient zero.
A robber enters a bank and points a gun at the teller
Robber: Put all the money in the bag or you’re Geography! Teller: Don’t you mean History? Robber: Don’t change the subject!
Poop jokes aren’t my favorite
But they're a solid #2
Which differential operator requires the strictest boundary conditions?
The Stern- Liouville operator
Smaller babies are always delivered by stork…
…but the heavier ones need to be delivered by crane…
(At parole hearing) Officer: Why should we release you?
Man: I th.. Officer: Yes? Man: The reas.. Officer: Go on. Man: May I please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
Local zoo stopped giving tests
Too many Cheetahs
America will never know a finer moment than when this abomination is out of office.
https://ift.tt/2N1G8uS
My friend said “What rhymes with orange.”
I said no it doesn't.
Guy wanted to take his wife duck hunting
She'd never been hunting so they prepared the night before. She made breakfast and lunch for the trip while he got all the hunting stuff clean and got his dog, Butch, ready for the trip. They went to bed early. The next morning, the guy got up and went to check on everything. It was nasty out, 28° and a freezing rain. He got his wife up. She looked outside and said, "There's no way I'm going out in this weather, forget it." He said, "Well, you promised, so if you back out now at the last minute, you have to either suck my dick or let me put it in your butt." She thought it was waaaay too early for butt sex, so she decided to blow him. She starts off nice and slow, but then lifts her head and says, "What the hell? Your dick smells like shit!" He said, "Yeah well, the dog didn't want to go either."
My grandpa’s “triple pun”
This joke holds a special place in my heart. My grandpa told me it and I never forgot it. About 2 years later when I brought it up to him, he didn't remember it. So I told him the joke and he peed himself laughing … At his own joke. "Why did the man ask for his eggs Benedict to be served on a hubcap?" "Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise"
My neighbor owes me $500 but won’t pay.
Lawyer: Do you have proof? Me: No L: Send him a bill for the $5000 he owes you. M: But it's only $500. L: Exactly, he will respond saying just that. And you will have proof.
Police are like a box of chocolates
They'll kill your dog
I poured my root beer into a square cup…
Now I’ve just got beer…
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and possibly use lubricant
Say what you will about Vlad the Impaler…
…the guy knew how to make a point.
What’s up with the dark jokes subreddit?
I don't see anything funny there.
Dad: I can’t believe you got me a house for my birthday!!
Son: I hope you enjoy it. Dad: From now on,…… I’ll start living in the present.
And he orders a beer
A time traveler walks into a bar
6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?
Because he needed 3² meals a day.
Date night with my wife and as she’s reading the menu she asks, “Is anything popping out at you?”
I said, "I don't think it's that kind of book."
Whstd red…
Whats red and smells like blue paint? Red paint
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus asks for a table for 26. The head waiter says, “But there’s only 13 of you.” Jesus says, “Yeah, but we’re all going to sit on the same side.”