Poor man… but impressive skill nonetheless
My IT guy just asked, “How does a computer get drunk?”
It takes screen shots.
It’s amazing how seasons work. I’m in Japan, it’s mid January and I’m freezing.
But apparently back in England it's the end of May.
Several copies of The Age of Reason and Common Sense fell on me.
I'm in a lot of Paine.
This joke only makes sense if you follow rugby:
A Scotsman walked into a bar. There'd normally be an Englishman, Irishman, and a Welshman as well, but they're still in Japan for the Rugby World Cup.
What do you discover when you find bones on the moon?
The cow didn't make it.
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
I told a joke about Coronavirus and nobody laughed
Except that Chinese kid in the back. He got it.
R. Kelly in the news again–tested positive for the COVID-15 virus
…apparently COVID-19 was a little too old for him.
My teacher never farts in public.
Since, she is a private tutor, of course.
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, βIβve never served a weasel. What can I get you?β
βPopβ goes the weasel.
I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked to take 2, he said no.
I replied βcan I at least Taekwondo?β
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you…
You have my Word.
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
I was talking to a scammer the other day.
Me: βHello.β NOT-Microsoft support: βHello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.β Me: βOh no. My device? Are you sure?β NOT-Microsoft support: βOh yes, we have many reports.β Me: βOh jeez. How can I fix it?β NOT-Microsoft support: βItβs OK sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device sir?β Me: βYes. I was just about to use it. Iβm glad you called.β NOT-Microsoft support: βYes sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?β Me: βI think it's already on.β NOT-Microsoft support: βOkay, sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.β Me: βI donβt see that.β NOT-Microsoft support: βDo you see a bunch of information above the Start button?β Me: βYes.β NOT-Microsoft support: βThat is your Control Panel.β Me: βWow, I didnβt realize it had a name.β NOT-Microsoft support: βYes sir, now press on Internet Options.β Me: βYeah, I definitely donβt see any Internet options. I donβt think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.β NOT-Microsoft support: βThey all have the Internet sir. Press the Start button again.β Me: βOK, itβs the same as before.β NOT-Microsoft support: βThatβs OK sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?β Me: βUmmmβ¦I donβt know how. Iβve never turned it off. Since I bought it, it just kind of stays on all the time.β NOT-Microsoft support: βThere must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when itβs running?β Me: βIn those cases, I usually press the big button.β NOT-Microsoft support: βOK sir. Please press that button.β Me: βOk.β NOT-Microsoft support: βIs your device off?β Me: βNo. The door popped open.β NOT-Microsoft support: βDoor? Is there a disc inside the door?β Me: βNo, thereβs a burrito.β NOT-Microsoft support: βWhy is there a burrito in your computer?β Me: βComputer? I thought you said this was microwave support.β
How literally every discussion between frontend and backend web devs looks like
https://ift.tt/2siOYhJ
Why doesnβt the Lorax go to Vietnam?
Because the trees can speak for themselves
For Sale: Slightly Used Chewing Gum
Near Mint Condition!!!
When I was 12, I lived with my abusive uncle and auntie
We lived on an old farm, no animals just fields. My uncle goes off to a market and comes back with this filthy ass horse. Says it's bred from some old bloke's prize stallion. Auntie loves it for some reason, coz it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a bit weird like that. I, being a countryside kid, liked horses and riding them. Then they turned on me saying "If we ever catch you riding our fucking horse then we will beat the living shit out of you". They meant it, they'd done it before. Few days later, I'm messing in the fields with some old tractor tire I found. Dirty is just eating grass and shit next to me. Auntie and uncle come out every few minutes to make sure I'm not riding the horse. Get bored and climb inside the tire. Tire starts moving (field wasn't flat). Can't stop. Auntie and uncle come outside to check on me. They see me rollin' They hatin' Patrolling Trying to catch me ridinβ Dirty.
I once thanked a French man to death…
I guess you could call it a merci killing!
What’s the difference between Donald Trump and a worm?
One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.
Why are they called hemorrhoids?
Shouldn't they be called Asteroids?
I once knew a dyslexic, agnostic, paranoid insomniac.
He'd lie awake at night wondering if there's a dog.
I made a chicken salad today.
Stupid bird wasnβt even grateful.
Putin visits Estonia
Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".ο»Ώ
Wife offered me water, I asked for something harder
She gave me ice
How did harry potter get down the hill?
he came running jk rowling
I taught a wolf to meditate
Now itβs aware wolf
My wife walked in on me
After my shower while I was blow drying my dick and balls and asked "What the hell are you doing?" Apparently "heating up your dinner" was not the best answer.
At an interview they asked where I saw myself in five years
I answered: βWell, I think my greatest weakness is my poor listening skills.β
