Poor man
What is an unborn child’s favorite craft?
Embryoidery!
(In honor of my cake day, the one that makes my kids groan the most) When I die, I want to go like my grandfather: in my sleep.
Not yelling and screaming like all the other people in the car he was driving at the time.
A man asked me why my clothes were gay
I said “Cause, they came out the closet”
Putin on a trip.
Vladimir Putin is traveling abroad. He enters the customs line, approaches the agent and is asked: Agent: age? Putin: 66 Agent: occupation? Putin: not this time, just visiting.
A cute girl at work said she’d only go on a date with me on a day that doesn’t end in ‘Y’
I said "Great! I'll pick you up tomorrow!"
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said “yes, the others were at least eights or nines”
A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.
While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him. So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without). He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Why did the train go to the sauna?
To blow off some steam 🙅♂️🚂
Why is gambling illegal in China
Because they hate Tibet
An airline pilot, who didn’t realize his microphone was live, said to the co-pilot:
"Man I could sure use a hot cup of coffee and a blow job from that red-headed flight attendant!" That statement was heard throughout the plane and the furious red-headed flight attendant unbuckled her seat-belt and stormed off toward the cockpit. Seeing this, a passenger shouts, "Miss! Miss! You forgot the coffee!"
Peeing yourself in public is like being in Love
Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.
I saw a kidnapping
I decided to let him sleep
I don’t know if this is a repost but some boomer on a discord server posted this
https://ift.tt/36JRQDy
Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.
And there’s notre dame thing they can do about it.
What do you call Batman when he leaves church?
Christian Bale.
how does Hitler tie his shoes?
little knotsies
My wife said I should take out the spider instead of killing it.
I'm glad I did. We went out. Had a few drinks. Overall good guy. He's a web designer.
![[visible confusion]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/v42d1y0frjf41-400x674.png)
I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I won’t rest until I find it.
When I die, I’m donating my body to science.
It’s the only way I’ll ever get into medical school.
I thought I could score higher if I stuck to textbooks, I’ll know soon if I was wrong
https://ift.tt/2TPHZqL
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
My wife asked me “Is it just me or is the cat getting fat?”
Apparently "No it's just you" wasn't the right answer.
My wife and I bought a water bed recently but ever since then…
…we’ve drifted apart.
I have been hinting to my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she smoothly changes the topic.
