Poor Mr Endyman
By the time you realize you’re not in shape
it's too far to walk back.
Why don’t chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they make the toys.
My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.
“You’re coming home now!” she screamed. “No, I’m not,” I laughed. She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him
I use to be addicted to the hokey pokey.
But then i turned myself around.
Have you heard the joke about procrastination?
I’ll tell you tomorrow.
![Eight missed calls from [chain restaurant]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/7J01bKc-400x439.jpg)
I get depressed if I don’t play video games.
I always need to console myself.
My daughter yelled at me, “DAAAAAAAD! You haven’t been listening to a word I’ve said, have you?”
What a strange way to start a conversation
I made this fake boomer comic to mock people/boomers looking down on digital art
https://ift.tt/2JrUKmh
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body.
He’ll be born in February.
I’m really pleased that our band has just signed a Jamaican triangle player.
Now every little ting is gonna be all right!
Elephants have been defamed and maligned with this disgraceful association for far too long
https://ift.tt/2RKmreA
My roomate and i did this game where we cleaned up another ones room everyday.
We were maid for each other.
My son came up to me today
My son came up to me and said, “can I have a bookmark?” I started crying, 10 years and he still doesn’t know my name is brad.
My therapist told me to write letters about people I hate and burn them.
I did that but now I don’t know what to do with the letters
Why was the soldier pinned down?
He was under a tack
![[Image] Start slappin nuts](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/gcq5ipdaba441-400x712.jpg)
What’s a pirate’s favourite letter?
You'd think it would be "R" or "C", but it's actually "P", because without it, he'd be irate.
What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil?
A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok…
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.
It’s an exact model because the dna doesn’t change at all there’s just more of them
https://ift.tt/35YyhXa
What do you call a 3.14m long snake?
A πthon.
I cut a tie in half
And dropped them at the same time which half won? Neither. It was a tie.
The wife said she is leaving because of my sexual fetishes
I said great! don't forget to slam the door on my cock on the way out Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind door slammer.
I own only two types of clothes— I wear my gym clothes when I exercise.
For formal occasions, I wear my James clothes.
I failed my fire safety course when I was asked what steps I would take in case there was an explosion.
“Really large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over
A little boy tells his nursery teacher that he found a dead cat
'How did you know that it was dead?' Asked the teacher 'Because i pissed in its ear & it didn't move' Said the boy 'You did what?!?' Shrieks the teacher 'You know' Explains the boy, 'I lent over and went Pssst & it didn't move"
Another cow joke, proudly brought to you by a six year old:
What do you call a cow that’s fallen asleep at a construction site? A bulldozer.
