poor paul
A police man pulled over a miner.
Policeman: Whose car is this, where are you going and what do you do. Miner: mine
Child safety bad. (Image shared is pic of computer screen for extra boomer-ness)
https://ift.tt/2E4gstA
Leap year babies finally getting their Feb 29th Birthday in years today.
Leap year babies finally getting their Feb 29th Birthday in years today.
What do you call a midget party?
…a little get-together.
What type of music do windmills like?
I heard they're big metal fans.
Why do cumshots drip into belly buttons?
It's sea men trying to get to the navel base.
A young artist exhibits his work for the first time…
… and a well known art critic is in attendance. The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?" "Yes, " says the artist. "It's worthless," says the critic The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."
I watched a movie about graphs last night, but I was slightly disappointed.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
Why are dogs afraid to go to space?
Because of the vacuum
So proud
Visiting my son and his wife, who just had their first baby. At lunch, my wife said “I’m warm.” Son piped up and said “I can finally say this – Hi Warm, I’m Dad.” Proud moment.
Did you hear about the band 1023 MB?
They’re good, but they haven’t got a gig yet.
“Dad, whose music did you listen to when growing up?”
Dad: Led Zeppelin. Son: Who? Dad: Yes. They were good too.
Did you hear about the electrician who played guitar?
He was really good with his chord changes
If someone can explain to me why my heating bills are so high..
..My door is always open.
Getting ladies to stop eating Tide pods was relatively easy.
But for whatever reason, it was much more difficult to deter gents.
My wife left me because I’m too insecure…
No wait, she's back She just went make a cup of coffee..
The easiest abortion I’ve ever performed was on a stripper.
It was like taking a baby from Candy.
A Scottish man walks into a bar..
.. There's usually an Irishman & Englishman in this joke but they're still at the Rugby World Cup.
Why do cows wear bells around their necks?
Because their horns don’t work!
Sony, Panasonic, Toshiba.
They're all stereo types.
A good percentage of my friends are Nazis.
That percentage is zero. That's a good percentage of Nazi friends to have.
I get anxious when I watch “Game of Thrones” with my parents, because of all the sex.
Sometimes I turn the volume up, so that I don’t hear them.
Why can’t ants get Covid-19?
They have tiny little antibodies…
A lottery winner decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse and goes to a high end stable.
"I'm not really sure which kind I want," he tells the owner. "Well, it depends on what you want them to do," the owner says. "Over here, we have a Type A horse – good workers, but temperamental. Back there eating hay you have a Type B horse – mostly good for companionship." "That sounds interesting. What about the one swimming in the lake over there?" the lottery winner says. "Oh, him? That's a C horse."
A man dies, and wakes up on a beach…
There are girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. "Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan. "Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented… What's that about?" "Oh," Satan says, "that´s for the Christians, they want it that way."
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
I’m thinking of throwing my theremin away…
I don’t even touch it
One boy tell the other: “There is an easy way to get what you want”
The other boy said, "How?" "Tell people you know their secret" The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!" The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10" The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!" The mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15" The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, "I know your secret!" The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!"
How come you never see pigs hiding in trees?
Because they’re good at it.
I know of a bald guy that got a comb for his birthday.
He said he could never part with it.