I was at a Trump rally and it was packed!
More sad than funny!
Guys doing this is NOT okay and NOBODY should do it. Got it? Nobody.
Oh Lord show some mercy!
Sounds like a boomer joke
BIG BABY INDEED.
🦀 🦀 Earth is Doomed 🦀 🦀
Minimum wage workers out there trying their best.
My grandpa just sent this with no context
A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.
She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself. He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm… Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back." "Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks. "Worry not, my child. You have many, many more years until it is your time. You will live until the ripe old age of 108!" She's sent back to Earth and pops into her miraculously repaired body. She gets up, dusts herself off, and with a huge smile on her face immediately heads to the plastic surgeon. She proceeds to get a face lift, a tummy tuck, hair implants and more. "If I'm going to live to the old age of 108, I might as well look my best!" she happily thought. After all the surgeries and cosmetic procedures and makeovers, she looks STUNNING. Beautiful pouty lips and a tiny waist and long luscious hair. She walks out of the salon and BAM. She's hit by a bus and dies instantly. Once again, she is at the pearly gates and again, is greeted by God. "What in the world was that?!" she exclaims, "You said I was supposed to live until 108!" God looks her up and down and says "Well I didn't recognize you!" Edit: Formatting
what a great, clean joke
[nsfw] Totally legit, but you can use a joke if you want to.
Scene: I was living in an apartment complex where all the bedroom windows faced into a small courtyard of sorts, walled on three sides with 3 stories of bedroom windows. None of the apartments in this complex have air-conditioning. It's close to midnight, December in Sydney AUS, it's a hot humid night. Story: With the heat and humidity I was finding it very hard to sleep, and had taken to watching some Japanese horror flicks on my laptop to kill some time. I had my headphones on since I needed to open all the bedroom windows (thanks to the heat) and I didn't want to disturb my neighbours. At a poignant part of the story in the movie, I could hear over the sound track a slow rhythmic masculine groan. After about a minute of confusion I realised that some of my neighbours were enjoying some casual coital union. The rhythmic groan picked up in frequency and amplitude, and was soon offset with his partners feminine "yes"es. Needless to say, I was no longer watching my horror movie and I was laughing hysterically, yet quietly, at this point into my pillow. Quickly their coital activities got to a point of "fever pitch" where the male neighbour announced, "I'm gonna cum, I'm gonna cum!" to which the female neighbour demands he "wait, and cum on my face!". Cue a series of climatic groaning and other such sounds of affirmation. Job done, the female announces that she's heading off to have a shower (good call) and goes to the bathroom to do so. All the windows are open it seems, as one can hear all the associated sounds of a shower hard earned. Upon her arrival back into the bedroom the female scolds her counterpart for lighting up and enjoying a cigarette in her absence, stating "Dammit you know that ciggie smoke irritates my sinuses!". Shortly after this statement, she sneezes loudly and impressively. At this point I turn towards my open window and say in a nice loud voice "Bless you!"… ..Silence… …An embarrassed scream. …And a Guinness World Record attempt in the number of windows closed in the shortest period of time possible. I nearly pissed myself laughing.
A friend asked me,” What rhymes with orange?”
I said," No, it doesn't."
Friend’s much-older husband seems to have a never-ending supply of these.
Looks less, but it’s 180.
Comedy good. People bad.
Ben, oh Ben…
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together. Man I sure am lucky !
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this
A cloud is trying to be cool.
He's being smog
Confused Doppler noises
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there, I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, “They’ve lost the plot.”
With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, “Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?”
“No” said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note. She then asked “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?” “No, I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt and pulled out a crumpled $50 note. “Now” she said. “Have you ever seen $40,000 all crumpled up?” “No way!” he panted, becoming even more excited, She said “Look in the garage.”
Don’t touch it
If I dont perfect human cloning..
I won't be able to live with myself.
My friend wouldn’t stop telling me bird puns
Little did he know toucan play at that game
Don’t Fine Me!
A group of photographers went out to dinner..
As they sat at their table, taking photos of their food for social media, one of the photographers realized he hadn't been given water. He approached the bar and asked for a glassful, with which the bartender obliged. Rather than immediately leaving, he stood there and stared at the bartender for a moment before returning to his seat. Soon enough, he found himself thirsty again, and took another trip to the bar, and once again stared at the bartender. This happened again and again throughout the night, with the bartender becoming progressively more frustrated by the photographers persistent requests for glasses of water and uncomfortable stares. Finally, on the photographers fifteenth trip, the bartender loses his cool and yells, "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer!"
I entered 10 puns in a contest hoping one would win.
No pun in ten did.
I could use a sandwich.
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I’ve heard about these but never thought I’d see one in the wild
Before going to bed, a little child asks his dad a question.
"Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'once upon a time'"? The dad responds, saying "No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected, I promise…'"
You got to hand it to short people
They probably can't reach it anyways
What do short people in Minnesota like to drink?
I have a lot of unemployment jokes
But none of them work
Made a geological version (Geology rocks!)
No worries there…
This season of Earth is not realistic
So many plot holes. Like, where did the murder hornets go? Why introduce them if they're not important to the story? I'm feeling Lost.
How do you make an egg roll?
You push it.
Judge : I order you to pay £10,000
MARIO : why Judge : it’s a fine MARIO : (sadly) no itsa not
My youngest son wanted to tell me a joke
He said, “Poop!” It was a shit joke
I showed up at the weekly Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting…
…but all the seats were already taken.
a handout we received in english today!
My first job was working at an orange juice factory
..but, I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.
After a date
Her: We should have dinner again. Him: No, I'm full.
I never understood why people are surprised to hear Elvis died on the toilet.
Historically it's rare for a King to leave the throne alive.
Goodbye old telephone
If only it were that simple
Joker the composer
I was driving with my wife and suddenly Pearl Jam started playing on the radio.
I told her, “It doesn’t get Eddie Vedder than this.”
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. So he shouted out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" Just one guy stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray." "Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets – we're one short."
That is a question
I was applying for an Australian citizenship
When the interviewer asked me ‘Do you have a criminal record?” I said “No, is that still required?”
This is a scream of boomerism
I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to that realization.
Here comes da judge
It’s the environment…
What do you call a shoe made from a banana?
Let’s split up!