Go to the corner. It’s 90degrees
They ignore my existence and only talk to me when they need something.
So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women turning
Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.
It's a pane in the ass
He says: "I refuse to say anything without a lawyer present." Cop: "You are a lawyer." Lawyer: "Exactly, so where is my present?"
Friend: why did you call him that, he’s not even a white horse? Mayo: [neighs]
and I don’t try to run mine.
I told him it was an older version of a henway. “What’s a henway?” My son asked. “About 5 pounds” I replied.
Son: Dad… how many kidneys do I have? Me: Two. You have two, son. Son: Nope… I have four. point to belly Two kidneys here… points to legs …and two kid knees here! The student has become the teacher.
the punchline is too long
I went to the doctors for the first time in a long while. He told me I had a piece of lettuce hanging out of my ass
I told him it’s just the tip of the iceberg
… nah, I shouldn’t spread it around
I thought to myself, "What a peculiar clerk."
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia (stolen from tumblr)
Because, he’s never going to give you Up! Told by Siri on my HomePod
He kept talking about how he wants to shake things up.
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively. 'I would like it infrequently' she replied. The old fellow sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered – 'Is that one word, or two?'
They're so full of themselves…
A private tooter.
It's ok though, he woke up.
He never lands.
Dad: Don't answer it. We only pick up for ranks Lieutenant Caller and higher.
At least, that's what I will hope.
Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy
I was wrong on many levels
I was really embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set. So I quickly threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
It was two tired
If they groan, I say, “I think I took this joke too far.”
1st Woman: Hi, Wanda! 2nd Woman: Hi Sylvia! How’d you die? 1st Woman: I froze to death! 2nd Woman: How horrible! 1st Woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I can home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching tv. 1st Woman: So, what happened? 2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st Woman: Too bad you didn’t check in the freezer…..we’d both still be alive! My father everyone! 😁
Does that mean you are out of apple juice?