Poor Ribo :(
My son came up with this one…
I was walking to the bedroom with a 20-ounce drink. My son was hiding behind the wall and said "boo". He asked "were you scared?" I told him "no, but what if I were and spilled this drink all over myself?" He said "then that would be on you". I told him "nice pun". He still doesn't get it.
I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.
"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."
I went to the doctor’s yesterday and told him that I kept thinking I was Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck. With a look of concern, he asked…
“How long have you been having these Disney spells?”
People always say the show Lost had such a great pilot
Then why did the plane crash?
People always say that the Romans didn’t handle the whole Jesus situation very well
I think they nailed it.
What does tofu and a dildo have in common?
They’re both meat substitutes.
A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, “Remember Leonardo Di Caprio.”
Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio." Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio." I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police." I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man. I said, "Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."
One of my kitchen gadgets is randomly playing classical music
I think it’s the Chopin board.
If a blind girl tells you your dick is the biggest she’s ever felt…
She's probably pulling your leg.
Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly, and poor.
What do you use to draw baths
Water colors
My 8 year old cousin: ” Why did the chicken cross the road?”
8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house. Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha. 8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock Me: Who's there 8yo: The chicken.
Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children’s home.
Son: Why did you do that? Father: So you will not be bored there.
I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?
Because it had a bad driver! drops mic
What do you call a fear of giants?
Fe-Fi-Phobia
My ex and I had a safe word
So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.
How many great discoveries you have thought of sitting on the debugging chair
https://ift.tt/38Crcgl
I downloaded all the music to the movie Titanic.
It's syncing now.
Last night my wife and I watched three movies back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the tv
A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code
He refused to comment
Golf Joke…What do you call the part of the body in between the vagina and rectum?
The driving range, because that’s where you hit your balls
literally they all complain about kids and talk about hating their wife holy shit
https://ift.tt/2Ocoyq2
Hey girl, are you my Physics examination paper?
Because I can stare at you for 3 hours and not understand a single thing
Sorry this isn’t really a joke but I wanted to say thanks
I just wanted to thank everyone here. My mom has been in the hospital with the virus and being able to send her jokes from here has made her laugh (we both really like puns!) so I just wanted to thank y’all for the fun jokes you post. I know it doesn’t seem like much but it has been very nice to be able to share them with her!
To the person who stole my lamp, my coffee and my parrot:
I dont know how you sleep at night
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in fifty-million has a chance at becoming a human being.
The janitor of my apartment building asked if I wanted to smoke some weed with her
I told her no. I can't stand high maintenance women.
I asked my Dad: “Did you ever get shot in the army?”
He said: “No, I got shot in the leggy.”
After being single for ages, my best mate said, “Can I set you up?”
I said, "Go on then" Now I'm doing twelve years for a crime I didn't commit.