Pope Francis likes to don a fake mustache and walk around the Vatican, praying for the poor.
It's a blessing in disguise.
What’s the difference between a boner and a bonus?
You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your bonus.
My Uncle used to say: “when one door closes, another opens”
He was a decent philosopher, but a lousy cabinet maker.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
How does Bigfoot know what time it is?
He looks at his sasquatch.
I’m going to freeze myself -273.15°
My friends are worried, but i will be 0K
Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.
The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them
any one who codes for games here ? i made a meme about it
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUqYIzh3kAE
I saw two women exercising today.
They were taking a walk but were way too close to each other given the social distancing orders. When I confronted them about the need to keep at least 6 feet apart, one of them looked at me dumbfounded and said, "We're just trying to flatten our curves!"
Someone let me know if this joke already kind of exists
Never date a bread maker, They’re so kneady.
What makes a good tongue twister?
Well, it’s hard to say.
My boss just appointed me as his sexual consultant.
His exact words were, “When I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.”
What’s the best thing to put on a hot dog?
Water, to cool him down.
My friend memorized all the amphibians
Now he has toadal recall.
There was a joke about fishing I was going to tell you…
Oh no, I forgot the line!
Why haven’t Aliens visited our Solar System yet? …
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…
She hugged me.
nothing tops a plain hotdog
No text found
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, “Who is this guy?” Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.
A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop. “We’ll do it.”
You have $400, your daughter text she needs $200, and your son text he needs $150. How much do you have left?
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages.
My horse has insomnia and keeps every one awake.
She's a nightmare
What do you call a 45 Cents concert?
50 Cents featuring Nickel back
What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind!
I removed the shell from my racing snail to make it go faster
but it just made it more sluggish.
What does the sniper say to his gf after a breakup?
I won't miss you.
Everyone knows masturbation is a touchy subject.
But oral sex? That's just a matter of taste.
Golf Joke…What do you call the part of the body in between the vagina and rectum?
The driving range, because that’s where you hit your balls
Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease that I have ever seen.
I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words
She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect. Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.
My account is a joke
It’s April fools and my cake day
Toasters
Were the first form of pop up notifications
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3