*PORNHUB INTENSIVES*
I wasn’t sure if I should post this here, because it’s only funny under certain circumstances
certain circumstances funny
A guy takes his wife out for the night. They end up at a disco where there’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moon-walking, back flips, every dance move going…
The wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.” The husband replies, “It looks like he’s still celebrating.”
Is buttcheeks one word…
Or should I spread em apart?
Danny cannot make his wife orgasm, so he goes to the doctor for some advice…
He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem." The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?" "Yes, it's absolutely sweltering" "Then get an air conditioner" "I can't afford air conditioner doc, I'm too poor" "Well, Danny, do you have a good friend, I mean a real close friend?" "Yeah, I've got a close friend, Frank" "Well, ask your friend Frank to stand over you and your wife with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help." So, Danny asks Frank for this favor, who then agrees to help him. That night, Danny is in bed with his wife, pounding away with Frank fanning them with the towel but it's doing nothing for her. Danny says, "Well this isn't working, let's swap." So Danny takes the towel and starts wafting Frank, who is now making love to Danny's wife. Not long after, Danny's wife goes "Oooh… oh that's it, I'm about to cum, I'm going to cum!" Danny shouts, triumphantly, "You see, Frank?! That's how you waft a fucking towel!"
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar all walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
Man: I’ve been shot!
Random dad: How can I help you? Man: Call me an ambulance! Random dad: You're an ambulance
Can monsters do math?
Not unless you count Dracula
Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree…
The guy at the counter asked my dad "are you going to put it up yourself?" To which my dad responded "don't be disgusting… I'm going to put it in the living room."
I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.
It's my thirty-second birthday. Edit: Wow. Down voted on my actual 32nd birthday. So cruel.
“Dad, I want to be a history major!”
Dad: I don’t see any future in it.
Doctor hands me my baby
Doctor: I’m sorry sir your wife didn’t make it I hand the baby back Me: can you please bring me one my wife did make please?
So I was passing by a cemetery with my dad today, and he turns to me and goes, “You know, people living in Denver can’t be buried there” and I look at him and ask him “Why?”
He looks at me and says "Because they aren't dead yet".
any one who codes for games here ? i made a meme about it
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUqYIzh3kAE
The Gift
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the women's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C?
Because you can't C in the dark
Does anyone know if we can start taking showers yet?
Or are we still just washing our hands?
Thank you, student loans, for getting me through college.
I don’t think I can ever repay you.
What’s the definition of a Will?
Come on guys! It's a Dead Giveaway!
Yesterday I confused the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza”.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio
Make sure you always tip the people who make your pizza…
They knead the dough.
Why did the cannibal die of COVID-19?
Too many handshakes
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together. Man I sure am lucky !
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I’d choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
I went out with my girlfriend to a fancy restaurant last night and after we’d eaten she kept insisting on paying for the meal.
I said, "Don't be stupid, we're half way down the road now. Just keep running!!'
What is Greta Thunbergs favourite country?
MadAtGasCar
You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for….
Times new ramen!
I’m allergic to bread but eat it anyways
I guess I'm a gluten for punishment