Possibly a set up, but a punny one
I used to think toking weed and snorting lines of coke made me a cool guy
but it was all just smoke and mirrors.
I still remember what my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket…
"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.
Cop 2: Hate crime? Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. Thatβs why Iβm a cop.
A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, βWeβre looking for two child molesters.β
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop. βWeβll do it.β
If you’ve never listened to an album front to back before, do it. Right now.
If you’ve never listened to an album front to back before, do it. Right now.
People often ask why Iβm so good at Dad jokes and itβs simple.
I take an ordinarily terrible pun and take it even father.
A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.
He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her. "How much for a hand-job?" "$5,000" she replies. "$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way." "Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. "You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me $5,000 for hand jobs." He ponders for a moment. "Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright." He brings her back to his hotel room. Gets the hand job, and as advertised; it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. "Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?" "$15,000" she replies. "$15,000?!? You are out of your mind. No way!" He shouts "Come to the window." They walk to the window and she begins to point. "You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me $15,000 for blow jobs." "Fine, how can i say no?" Once again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. "Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?" "Come to the window." He follows her to the window, ready for anything. "Do you see all of Las Vegas?" She asks. "No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!" He exclaims, astounded. "No.." she looks down. " But I would if I had a pussy…"
The Chinese President has decided to make a red book of quotes, like Mao Zedong did.
He's calling it "That's what Xi said"
I was once in an airplane when I realized the pilot didn’t pass any proper training
He was just winging it
What do you call Bigfoot in Europe?
Big Meter.
Among all the politically incorrect jokes I know, hereβs my favourite:
Benjamin Franklin was the greatest US President.
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up
The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?" The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue." The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo." "Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away. The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car. "Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo." "Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it!
Mountains arenβt just funny
Theyβre hill areas
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100
A solid 10, but also imaginary
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code
Last night, for example, I couldnβt fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
Wife: *is pregnant*
Me: I want to name our son James. Wife: Why? Me: No reason. 9 months later Wife: My water broke Me: Let the James begin
My son asked me where pooh came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
A little perplexed he stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and then asked, βand tigger?β
Why is it hard to read a crowd of chemists?
They have a lot of mixed reactions.
I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked, "Babes, Jabba the Hutt is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed, "Fuck you asshole" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
My wife just admitted to me that she broke my favorite lamp.
I donβt think Iβll be able to look at her in the same light ever again.
6:30 is the best time on the clock
Hands down
The impeachment of Trump will be a stain on his legacy
Whereas the impeachment of Clinton was the legacy of his stain.
Why do riot cops like to leave early when they go to work?
So they can beat the crowds.
I work in a kitchen in a local restaurant, today I tried to start a food-fight with the other chef…
I threw some spaghetti her way, but it went right pasta.
What do you call a 1 armed man who does karate?
Partial arts
I’ve recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm currently working knights.
Who are the happiest people?
Nomads
There’s radical feminist plot to attack the postal service…
They heard it was a mail dominated industry.. ( Possibility OC?)
How meaning of how Adam and Eve came to be
So basically you know when ur high you feel funny and stuff. Yeah so when the universe was made it made humans like this feeling high all the time and then the humans eventually made a amichane to stabilize the damasion and only had two people of the race left because all the others killed them self eventually and so Adam and Eve are the unstable humans and after zapinf them selfs with the beam they came to the niw stabaliEd timension and reset the world by.accident and. The material to make the machine was smooked weed and so when you smoke weed or stuff and get high you accidentally go to a realm in-between both stabaliEd and unstabaluzwd dimasion and so you feel high because euyr In 3 and 1. (stabaliEd version dimasion) and you are feeling millions of years of knowledge and memories so it’s too much for your head and you get high she to loss of blood in the head. Freaking world out there people. Love you all goodnight . Garfield oh shit he is behind me aahhh gnandrgfiwld orange cat aaa. Om nom nom. mmmm -garfield (last oart). ……..(bye/night)
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because theyβre always stuffed.
Because your side projects are just an excuse to make a new framework, right?
https://ift.tt/2Xz0fqE
Jack And Jill
Jill and Jack go to Catholic school. Jill is known for sleeping. The teacher asks Jill βWho created Earth?β Jack pokes Jill with his pencil. She yells βOh my God!β βthat is correct Jill.β She goes back to sleep. The teacher asks Jill βWho is our Lord and Saviour ?β Jack pokes Jill. Jill yells βJesus Christ!β Teacher says βCorrect again Jill.β Jill goes to sleep. Teacher asks Jill βWhat did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?β Jack pokes Jill. Jill yells βIF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, IβLL BREAK IT OFF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!β
My grandma told me this joke and I felt like I needed to share it.
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?" The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the checkout counter." "I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six pack and headed for the checkout. The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six pack of beer. "We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will." Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said "The curlers are on the house."