[Possibly OC] How excited was Wendy to go to Neverland?
She was so excited that she nearly Peter Pans.
Where is the best place to buy chicken broth?
The stock market!
If you regret your vote in 2016, don’t worry about it
Hindsight is 2020
An Indian and two Pakistanis sat on a Plane.
An Indian got a seat between two Pakistanis on a plane. Relaxing, he took his shoes off. Soon enough, he got hungry. "Hey, I'm going to get myself a snack. You guys want anything?" He asked the Pakistanis. The man to his right said he would like a Coke. "Of course." said the Indian. "After all, Indians and Pakistanis are Brothers!" When the Indian went to get the coke, the man who asked for the Coke spit in one of his shoes. Once the Indian came back, the guy to his left asked him for another Coke. He happily obliged. While he was gone, the man spit in his other shoe. Soon enough, the Indian returned, with the Coke, of course. After everyone had settled down, and the Pakistanis had had half their Cokes, the Indian put his legs in his shoes and sighed. "How long will we keep doing this, brothers? Spitting in each others shoes, pissing in each others Cokes?"
Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
Im not a fan of hats…
They are too "over the top."
Justice is a dish best served cold because…
…if it were served warm, it would be justwater…
What did Jesus say after he resurrected on the third day?
"You crossed the wrong guy."
I’m going to change my Facebook name to Benefits.
Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.
Why do fish always sing off key ?
You canβt tuna fish
I for one am a fan of Roman numerals
No text found
Wife to husband… Take off my heels….
He does as instructed. Wife: now take off my blouse…. He does it.. Wife : now take off my skirt…. He does it. Wife : now take off bra. He does it. Wife : now take off my panties.. He does it.. Wife : Now don't you ever wear my clothes again.
Why do religious people not like trigonometry
Cos it's a sin.
My kid asked today where I learned to make ice-cream
I answered 'in sundae school', he laugh-snorted, my wife gave me the look we all know here.
I just learned the medical name for Viagra.
Mycoxaflopin
Thereβs only 1 rule in learning English
1.) Their our know rules
Why do mountains never get cold?
Because they have snow-caps!
A young guy met a sixty years old woman at a bar and she looked pretty good for her age.
Β he found himself thinking she probably had aΒ really hotΒ daughter.Β The young guy drank a couple of beers she asked if heβd ever had a Sportsmanβs Double?Β βWhatβs that?β, he asked.Β βItβs a mother and daughter threesome,β she said.Β As his mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, βNo, I havenβt.βΒ They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, βtonightβs your lucky night.β They went back to her place, they walked in.Β She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: βMomβ¦you still awake
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a odd-job man and started with a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
My son got good grades in all his classes except Greek Mythology
That's always been his Achilles Elbow
The joys of a “custom” CMS…
If I never have to deal with another βcustom CMSβ ever again, itβll be too soonβ¦ The latest one thatβs been inflicted upon me, inspired me to make this meme:https://ift.tt/3fAGfuV
I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
Pope gets a lesson
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!" The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
My wife told me I was too selfish in the bedroom
I almost choked on my own cock
My wife asked me if I thought our kids are spoiled
I told her, "no, I think all kids smell like that."
I was having sex with my friend’s wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me…
I’ve created an app similar to Tinder but it’s for paleontologists.
I call it Carbon Dating.
Iβm reading a horror book in Braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, "No, wait! I can change."ο»Ώ
People wonder why I call my toilet βthe Jimβ instead of βthe John.β
I do it so I can say βI go to the Jim first thing every morning.β
If a woman from Cuba marries a man from Iceland
Are their children called ice cubes?
I just watched a movie about graphs, and it was really disappointing.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
Whatβs the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can learn to roast beef.
Why don’t Native Americans like snow?
It's white and settles on their land
someone insulted me on my monitor’s refresh rate,
right where it hertz.
My friend David got his id stolen
So now we call him Dav