Post flairs are now mandatory due to complaints about “Political humor”.
Why are mathematicians always so happy?
Because the root of their negativity is imaginary.
I don’t always install solar panels for free…
But this ones on the house
Velcro is such a rip-off
No text found
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
🌽🌽🌽 He was out-standing in his field 🌽🌽🌽
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance…
We’ll see about that…
My sewing instructor tells me that I am the worst student she has ever seen.
Shit….wrong thread.
I just bought my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas.
I have no idea why he wants an ex box
A good mom let’s you lick the batter off the mixer.
A great mom turns off the mixer first.
The boy’s dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled “Ass!” And the boy heard…
(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.) The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard… "Daddy, what does ass mean?" "It means… beard." Downstairs, the boys older sister was hanging coats on their coat rack, then accidentally stubbed her toe. She was so surprised she yelled "Shit!" And the boy heard… "Big sis, what does shit mean?" "It means… coat." In their living room, the boy saw someone on the TV say angrily "Bitches and bastards!" And the boy heard… "Auntie, what does bitches and bastards mean?" "It means… boys and girls. In their kitchen, the boy's mom was cooking a turkey, then accidentally burnt herself. She was so surprised she yelled "Fuck!" And the boy heard… "Mom, what does fuck mean?" "It means… cook." The boy knew that company was coming over, so he opened the door for them. He said, "Good afternoon bitches and bastards! You can go hang your shits on the shit rack and come in! Dad's shaving his ass and mom's fucking the turkey."
My Uber passenger texted me before I pulled up to the pin…
I receive a ping 3 miles away as I’m approaching the ping I get a text “ honk your horn excessively until I come outside when you get to xxx address I’ll tip $20”. So I pull up to the pin and start blowing my horn for a solid min. My passenger comes out looking a little annoyed he gets in and we head to his destination. We pull up to his house and his dad is standing outside waiting for him, he greets him and asked how his ride was, he said the drive was great but the fucker blew his horn non stop until I came outside. His dad said that’s weird and handed me a $20.
What is coding called on Tatooine?
Jabbascript
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as a choir boy
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”. ‘About 32,’ is the reply.’ ‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’ Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a sweet shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’ While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands in your knickers Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’ They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’ He slips both of his hands into her panties and begins to feel around very slowly and gently caresses her nicely trimmed muff. He pushes her lips apart and gently slides his fingers in and out of her now moist pussy. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…..How old am I?’ He completes one last finger of her clitorus, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’ Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’ ‘I was behind you in the queue at McDonalds’.
Sir, you’ve got a very rare disease
Me: "How rare?" Doctor: "You pick the name"
New British Prime Minister, Boris Johnson
held a meeting with the cabinet today. He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the chest of drawers.
A LAWYER is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over.
The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much it’s going to cost him to get it fixed. The cop loses his patience and says, “You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!” The lawyer is incensed and says, “How dare you call me materialistic? Do you know what I earn an hour? You have no idea what kind of pressure I’m under!” The cop says, “Well, you’re so concerned about your beamer, you didn’t notice the truck took your arm off at the elbow.” The lawyer looks down and screams “Fuck! My rolex!”
Oh god guys, I’m hearing a noise up stairs
Really hope that it isn’t Christopher Robin my house
Do you know why Superman is the king of all thieves?
It's because he is the man of steel. One of my students told me he made this up and I couldn't be more proud.
Which vegetable likes to line up the most?
A queuecumber
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
I know of a bald guy that got a comb for his birthday.
He said he could never part with it.
When I was in college, I used to live on a houseboat and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
Hey, is your refrigerator running?
Good. I'd vote for it over Trump or Biden any day.
You can’t change the weather in the tree
But you can climate
What do you call 100 rabbits in a line running backwards?
A receding hair line.
I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk…..
…..but I never got the chants.
I was being shown around a house. “What are the dimensions of this room?” I asked the guy.
He said, "Height, width, and length."
Bro, can you pass me that leaflet?
Brochure.
I called my friend and told him I put a load in his dishwasher
I also told him she wants him to clean his room
Why did the Mexican keep a wheel of cheddar in his truck?
In Queso emergencies
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: “What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?” The woman replies: “It’s Frank, the midget.”
Hope i’m not the only one that has experienced this
Hope i’m not the only one that has experienced this
A guy has been accused in our town for murdering people by hitting them with a cement bag.
However the police still don't have any concrete evidence against him.
Doctor: You have a disease that causes memory loss.
Me: Is it contagious? Doctor: Is what contagious?
My son said he wanted a DVD on Religion, so I got him one.
Then he said he wanted a tricycle, so I got him one. Then, a few weeks later, he said he wanted a poster of Will Smith's face, so I got him one. The next day he said he wanted a coffee machine. I was getting irate now. But hey, I thought, if I get him this hopefully that will be the end. I was wrong. So very wrong. On the same day he said he wanted a caterpillar costume. Reluctantly, I got him one. Secondhand. Then he said he wanted something for a friend, a new pair of underwear. I had no idea why he would be giving his friend underwear, and I knew he only wanted them for himself. But hey, I thought, I don't want him to defecate on his clothes, so I got him some. After that, he approached me, and I was on the verge of an outburst. What do you want this time? I asked him. A sword? A sandwich? A three-headed dog? He said, no, he didn't want any of those things. Except the three-headed dog and the sword and the sandwich. Look, I said, get on with it. What are you after this time? He said he wanted a book on festival puns. I was sick out of it. Sick of his audacity and my empty wallet. I headed for the door to get away, but he grabbed my arm and asked me what was wrong. I said, Son, you carnival the things you want.
An old man walks into a chemist and starts examining packs of viagra…
Nurse: Do you need any help there, sir? Old Man: Yes, every Saturday my wife wants to have sex, but unfortunately, I can never get an erection. Which brand of viagra would you recommend? Nurse: Well sir, everyone is different, but if you come with me to the counter, I can get you a pack that is proving very popular with our customers. The old man follows the nurse to the counter, she turns around, bends over and picks up the viagra from the bottom shelf, as she turns back around, the old man is already walking away Old Man: Thank you very much, I'll see you again next Saturday.
Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar…
I don’t remember the rest.
My mum said ” A way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
Good lady; awful surgeon.
A warning to people with kidney disease.
Urine trouble.