Post flairs are now mandatory due to complaints about “Political humor”.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly
Because communication is key
I was going to make a joke about my spine, but I think it was a repost. Did anyone see it here earlier?
It was about a weak back.
There was a girl band
and there names of each member were : Anna1 Anna2 Anna1234 (saw this on r/tinder)
One day Canada will take over the world…
Then you'll all be sorry!
I was driving the other day, accidentally hit this guy in the back. Guy gets out. I see that heās a dwarf. He starts surveying the damage, shakes his head, and says, āWell, Iām not Happy!ā
I said, āWell, which one are you?!ā And thatās when the fight began.
They should make a film series about a guy who uses candles as weapons.
Call it John Wick.
I’m reading a book titled “The Stockholm Syndrome.”
I hated it at first, but now I love it.
*at the eye doctor*
Doctor: You have a blind spot. Me: I need a second opinion, because I just donāt see it.
When i was younger i had a invisible Japanese friend…
as i grew up i just realised it was just my imagine-asian
Cheating Wives
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. He waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her, he found out she was working in a whore house. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?" The guy replies that all the cabbie has to do is go inside the whore house, grab his wife, put her in the back of the cab, and take them home. The cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later, the whore house door gets kicked open, and the cabbie starts dragging out this woman who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here! Hold her!" The man looks down at the girl and yells to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE!" The cabbie replied, "I KNOW. IT'S MINE… I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!"
The girlfriend and I just drove by a shoe in the road
GF: A shoe! Me: Bless you Was pretty proud of myself for a couple minutes.
I want to post a walkie talkie joke,
but I need to think it, over.
What happens when you get a bladder infection?
Urine trouble.
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
1,000,000
^ That's a one in a million.
I accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach
and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 ate(8) 9. But why did 7 eat 9? Because you have to eat 3 squared meals a day.
All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh!
But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme…
Accidentally glued myself to my autobiography this morning
That's my story and I'm sticking to it
How do you measure a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, now.
90 degrees is pretty hot for most people,
But for mathematicians, it's just right.
Early one morning a fat kid was sitting in an airport terminal eating a giant size candy bar.
An older man strolled by and saw the boy. He stopped abruptly and asked "Hey kid, do you think it's a good idea to be eating a giant candy bar for breakfast?" The boy replied "I don't know, but my grandpappy lived to be 102 years old." The old man said "I'm sure he did, but he didn't eat giant candy bars for breakfast did he" The boy shook his head "Nope. he just minded his own fucking business."
Surge pricing at a fast food restaurantā¦ what could go wrong?
Surge pricing at a fast food restaurantā¦ what could go wrong?
The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
Itās the little things that count.
To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart.
Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has a pause at the end of its clause and one has claws at the end of its paws.
The secret service isnāt allowed to yell āGet down!ā anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell, āDonald, duck!ā
*burgler gently waking me*
You live like this?
3 men arrive at the pearly gates and they see Peter. Peter says we donāt have much space in heaven so weāre taking in people who experienced the worst death
First guy go. āI was walking down the hall of my 27th floor apartment building and I suspected my wife was cheating on me. I rushed through the door shouting where is he!? I looked everywhere while my wife was trying to tell me no one is here. Then I found him. Hanging off the ledge my balcony. I started stomping his hands until he fell. He survived by landing in the bushes but I picked up our fridge and threw it down on top of him and it killed him. Due to all the excitement I had a heart attack and died.ā Peter was interested, second guy go. āI was doing pull-ups off the ledge of my 28th floor balcony when I slipped and by some miracle caught the balcony below me and hanged on. I was about to scream for help when a crazed man started stomping on my hands and I ended up falling into the bushes below. I once again survived only to find that now a fridge was about to land on me. It was too late to move so I died.ā Peter was shocked but wanted to hear the thirds story. Third guy go. āI was having sex with another mans wife when we heard he was almost home. He was getting closer to the door and his wife said āQuick hide in the fridge!ā
6:30 is the best time on a clock
hands down