Post from family.
Three pilots died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates…..
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Army helicopter pilot thumbed through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. It did make light; you may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said The Navy C-2 pilot reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said, 'they had a ring to them, you may pass through the pearly gates'. The Air Force fighter pilot started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women'spanties.. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' He replied, 'These are Carols.' And So The Christmas Season Begins. . .
Once you’ve seen one shopping center……
You’ve seen the mall.
What’s the hardest part of being an anti-vax parent?
Scraping those stick family decals off your rear window.
What’s a decent Asian stereotype?
I like Sony and Yamaha.
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Because curiosity killed them all.
Why has a car made of wood never been successful ?
Because it wooden go.
The cashier scanned my condoms then asked if I needed a bag.
I said, "Naw, she isn't that ugly."
A wind turbine asked his friend what music he liked.
"I'm a big metal fan."
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?
I guess we'll know when the time comes.
I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped my backpack and continued my walk.
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
But they’re having a really hard time putting their case together…
A man heard that masturbating before sex…
A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
While applying for Australian citizenship the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I replied, " No, is that still required?"
Mality, Mality, Mality, Mality.
Now that we’ve got the four malities out the way, we can begin.
My kid asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
I said, “Usually to avoid answering questions like these.”
My friend in Alabama lost his Mom, his Sister, and his Wife in a car accident.
He really loved that woman.
What do you give a sick lemon?
Lemonaid.
I left my ex-girlfriend because of her obsession with counting…
I wonder what she's up to now?
Did I ever tell you about the girl that only ate plants?
I can't believe I never mentioned herbivore.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his soup before it was cool.
While most puns make me feel numb,
mathematics puns make me feel number.
What did Kim Jong Un say on his death bed?
My Korea is over
The frog
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said no. He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"
How do volcanos feel about jokes?
They LAVA good joke!
I made $60.25 sucking dicks last night
Dude 2: lol, who gave you the quarter? Dude 1 : they all did.
[NSFW] Wonder Woman is laying naked, face down, on a rooftop…
…when Superman flies by and sees her. Her naked body has him feeling all types of ways, so he starts to think, "You know, I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could be in and out of there before she even realizes what happened." So, Superman flies in, does his business and takes off. Wonder Woman says, "What was that?" The Invisible Man responds, "I don't know, but my fucking ass is killing me."
There’s a nutcase going around our town stabbing people with knitting needles.
Twelve individuals have been attacked in the last 48 hours. The Police have announced that the attacker could be following some kind of pattern
When a senior dev couldn’t solve your problem so you two call another senior to help
https://ift.tt/2xJMN9H
What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing, they're already stuffed…
It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods
But it’s harder to deter gents
When I die, I’m donating my body to science.
It’s the only way I’ll ever get into medical school.
Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing!
What’s the definition of a reverse exorcism?
It's when you ask the Devil to get the priest out of your little boy
You haven’t tried the delicious Bacon-Liver-Anchovy sandwich?
You're missing gout.
