Posted a bad quality screenshot on r/puns, will just post the link here…
For me, sex is like a game
Single player
Never challenge death to a pillow fight
unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions
Why is it dangerous to play cards in Africa?
Because all the Cheetahs are too easy to spot, and there are others who will end up Lion to you.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs
They always take things literally.
What are paramedics favorite gaming console?
Wii U!!! Wii U!! Wii U!!
Why do Italians love soccer?
Because they get to switch sides halfway through.
My grandma is in her 90’s and she still doesn’t need glasses…
She just drinks straight out of the bottle…
Why does my cancer doctor let me phone her any time day or night?
Because she's an on-call-ogist
The Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up…
They formed an alloy-ence
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
But none of them seem to work
My wife said to me: ”Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”
So I took her out to dinner, to a movie, then I dropped her off at her parents' place.
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.
Those damn moose limbs.
Don’t tell anyone this…
This is Top Secret . . . . . . . . This is Bottom Secret (Don't tell anyone this either)
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it
It's true I saw it with my own eyes
80% of girls like guys with six-pack abs.
80% of guys with six-pack abs don’t like girls.
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda pressing.
I wanted to name our son Miles but my wife thought we should go with something more universally accepted.
So we named him Kilometers
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care
A guest calls the waiter and complains, “How come there are no chairs at our table?!”
The waiter shrugs, “I’m sorry but you only booked one table…”
What do you get if you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
Hot, cross bunnies.
It’s “live free or die”, not “live free or get everyone else killed by a pandemic”.
https://ift.tt/3dPzkNv
Joke
You could view the cross on the cover of the Holy Bible as a big time spoiler….
The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don’t know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?
Three guys interviewing to be a detective. The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that" He calls them into his office one by one. The first guy goes in and is shown a picture of a recently captured criminal. Tattooed face, large scar, he's quite recognisable. The inspector says, "Take a close look, and I want you to memorize and remember all the features that will help you identify this man in a crowd" After a minute, the man is done. The Inspector turns the picture over and says, "Well, go on, describe him to me" The man responds, "Well it wouldn't be hard to find this guy, given that he has only one ear". The inspector stares blankly, turns the picture over and says, "What sort of a moron are you? This is a side profile of the man.. don't tell me you thought… ugh, get out and stop wasting my time!" The second guy is called in and given the same challenge. After his minute he says, "Well, I couldn't really focus on much other than the fact that he has only one eye" Visibly frustrated, the inspector bellows, "What is wrong with you people, do you not know what a side profile is?! Get out, and call the last guy in!!" The last guy comes in and is given the same challenge. The inspector adds, "You know what, take 5 minutes.. and think carefully before you answer" 5 minutes later, the young man turns the picture over himself and says, "You know, I'll bet he wears contact lenses" The inspector scrunches his eyebrows and then squints at the young man in silence for a few moments. Not wanting to potentially get embarrassed, he excuses himself to go check the man's criminal profile. 2 minutes later, he steps back in. A pleased but puzzles look on his face, he says, "Well, yes.. yes he does wear contacts lenses. How could you tell?" Visibly delighted with himself, the young man beams back with a smile, "Oh, it took a while to think of it, but there's no way he could wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear"
Where do you find a no-legged dog?
Right where you left him.
Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk…
And the result was staggering.
My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school, and I said Yes.
Unfortunately I was part of the control group.
As a landlord, I truly value my easy-going, Chinese food-loving occupants.
They're lo mein tenants.
Sadly, I’ve lost 20% of my sight
Sigh…..
A man walks in to a bar, and says “G-g-gimme a b-b-beer.”
The bartender says, "Seems as though you’ve got a major stuttering problem." The man replies, "N-n-no k-k-k-idding!" The bartender says, "I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon she gave me oral sex three times in a row, and I haven’t stuttered since!" The man says, "W-w-wow, th-th-that’s great to kn-kn-know…" A week later, the same man walks in to the bar, and says, "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer." The bartender says, "Why didn’t you try what I told you?" "I d-d-did!" said the man, "It j-j-just d-d-didn’t w-w-work… ….b-b-but I m-m-must say, you have a r-r-really n-n-nice apartment!"
I know loads of jokes about cash machines
I just can't think of one atm
Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands? And the same thing applies to the Virgin Islands;
There are no canaries there either.
Did you hear about the guy who’s been pick-pocketing midgets?
I can't believe someone would stoop so low!
PresidentTrump is completely right about coronavirus treatment.
If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your ass, and crash on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19.
Ducking Hilarious Dad Joke
How did the duck fail to rob a bank? It couldn't quack the safe!
I have a friend who keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar…
…but I don’t believe him…
In a lot of ways I’m like Nichola Tesla.
I’m bad at marketing.