Posted by a friend the same age as me (Gen X)
I told my boss I was coming in to work dressed as my dad for Halloween.
I didn’t show up.
911 what’s your emergency?
"Hello yes my Wife is going into labour!" "Is this her first child?" "No this is her husband"
What did the duck say when she bought a lipstick?
Put it on my bill!!
Why do farmers hang bells around the necks off their cows?
Because the horns doesnt work
It’s a 5-minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 45-minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
Our new librarian is very polite and I think she is Italian…
I've just taken a book back that was months overdue but, rather than charging me, she just said, "That's-a-fine."
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
Hispanic attacks
I was talking to a scammer the other day.
Me: “Hello.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.” Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?” NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.” Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?” NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s OK sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device sir?” Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?” Me: “I think it's already on.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay, sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.” Me: “I don’t see that.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?” Me: “Yes.” NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.” Me: “Wow, I didn’t realize it had a name.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, now press on Internet Options.” Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.” NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet sir. Press the Start button again.” Me: “OK, it’s the same as before.” NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s OK sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?” Me: “Ummm…I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it, it just kind of stays on all the time.” NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?” Me: “In those cases, I usually press the big button.” NOT-Microsoft support: “OK sir. Please press that button.” Me: “Ok.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?” Me: “No. The door popped open.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?” Me: “No, there’s a burrito.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?” Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”
Sorry, my 4y old brother wanted me to tell this joke here
Him: Knock, knock Me: Who's there? Him: Idiot Me: Idiot who? Him: IDIOT YOU!! He probably doesn't understand downvotes so I will have no Karma left after this EDIT: Wow! So many people upvoted this and I even got Silver! I'll tell my brother the Internet loved his joke! EDIT: Thanks for the Gold, kind stranger
Did you hear about the atheist charity?
It was a non-prophet organization!
A waiter once asked me: “Do you wanna box for your leftovers?”
I said: “No, but I’ll wrestle you for them!”
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled…
But it's hard to say…
My wife is like a newspaper…
there is a new issue every single day.
#851: Three guys got into a car crash and all died.
They all get up to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter said "Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don't step on a duck." The gates open and there are ducks everywhere, all over the floor, on tabletops, everywhere. The first guy walks in and accidentally steps on a duck. St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the ugliest woman in all the world and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed for all eternity." The other two see this and do their best to avoid the ducks. The second guy goes months and months without stepping on any duck. Then one morning he wakes up and as he is getting out of bed he steps on two ducks. St. Peter comes over and handcuffs him to the most atrocious looking and smelling woman and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity." Now the third guy goes years and years and doesn't step on any ducks in all that time. Then one day St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the most beautiful woman he as ever seen. St. Peter says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity." The guy happily says, "Oh my God, what have I done to deserve this?!" And the woman says, "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."
My chemistry teacher asked me :
Teacher: What’s the monomer of rubber? Me: Is it monobber?
I spent a summer working on a rabbit farm…
It was a hare raising experience…
The director of Pulp Fiction…
Quarantino.
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts…
I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road…
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, “Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!”
He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequila. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go make things right with her." Laughing, the man exclaims, "Well that sounds like the stupidest test I've ever heard of!" He leaves to get drunk with his friends. Later that night, the man comes back to the bartender absolutely hammered drunk. "Ok bartender! Let's do this test!" He says. The bartender hands him a gallon of pepper tequila, and before he could warn him, the man starts chugging it. Teary eyed and near the point of fainting, the man finishes the gallon and slams it on the counter. Stunned, the bartender leads him out back to the alligator. A few minutes pass, and after some screaming and clatter, the man stumbles back in. His shirt is torn up and his body is bleeding profusely. He stares at the bartender and says, "Ok bartender, where's the girl with the sore tooth?"
Bro was really hungry
Bro was really hungry
How To Fall Down The Stairs:
Step 1: Step 2: Step 5: Step 8: Step 14:
“Queue” sounds like “q” followed by 4 silent letters, but…
They’re just waiting their turn.
What do you call a can opener that’s broken?
A can't opener.
Why do guys always give their jacket to girls when they’re cold?
Because no one wants a blowjob from a girl when her teeth are chattering.
What’s heavier a gallon of water of a gallon of butane?
Water because butane is a lighter fluid.
Since Trump became president, the secret service hasn’t been allowed to yell “Get down!” when he is under attack…
Instead they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
Did you heard about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.