Posted by my uncle on Facebook
Post Malone just suspended his tour
Guess that makes him postponed Malone
Did you hear about the baby strawberry?
Itโs parents were in a jam.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
I once asked a taxidermist what he does for a living.
"Oh you know….stuff. "
I was fired from the keyboard factory today
I wasn't putting in enough shifts
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop eating Pasta
Now I'm feeling cannelloni
An 8-year-old knocks on the door of a brothel…
The Madam opens it up, looks down and sees the kid. โWhat do you want?โ The kid says, โI wanna get laid!โ The Madam says, โYeah, come back in ten years.โ โBut I wanna get laid.โ The Madam bends down and says, โKid, get out of here, come back in ten years. Tell you what, go find a tree with a hole in it and practice.โ Ten years later, the kid knocks again on the door. The Madam recognizes him instantly, โKid! Youโre back!โ The kid says, โYou said wait ten years, so I did.โ Did you practice on the tree like I told you?โ โYes maโam, I did!โ The Madam is so impressed that she walks him upstairs to the best lady in the house. As the lady undresses, the kid walks over to the closet, grabs a broom, and starts whacking the prostitute. The lady screams, โWhat are you doing kid?โ โChecking for squirrels.โ
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus
Date night with my wife and as she’s reading the menu she asks, “Is anything popping out at you?”
I said, "I don't think it's that kind of book."
How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?
She fits in your wifeโs clothes
The average person has sex 89 times a year.
This is going to be one hell of a week.
I told my wife, “You are so skinny.”
Then I grabbed her by the love handles and said, "Just look at all this skin."
My math teacher called me average
How mean is that ?
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks. After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class. I've recently started going to the pub and drink pints of Carling and every Friday I have fish&chips. My favourite football team is Manchester United. Beat that!" The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you fucking paki cunt."
I just read the โ100 things to do before you dieโ listโฆ.
Iโm surprised that 'Call 911' didnโt make the cut.
Thereโs a lot of big words youโre hearing little buddy, I know itโs confusing …
https://ift.tt/2KkFdp3
My band is called 999 megabytes. We don’t have any gigs.
No text found
I was going to make an April Fools joke
But that was so yesterday
To be or not to be…
is technically, not a question
People say Iโm a plagiarist…
Their words, not mine.
Why wasn’t infinity war a vegan movie?
Because everything was at steak
Some dude dies and goes to Hell
"Oh shit" "Na", says the Devil, "Don't listen to that Abraham fella, we actually have a lot of fun down here! Do you like bacon?" "Of course" "Well", continues the Devil, "You'll love Mondays then! Everybody gets a pallet of bacon and you eat until you can't eat anymore! The best part is, it doesn't matter if you have a heart attack 'cos you're already dead!" "Hmm, I could get used to that" "Great!", smiles the Devil, "Do you like gambling?" "I'm partial to a bit of Blackjack, yea" "Then I have some good news for you", explains the Devil, "Every Tuesday we go to the largest casino in the multiverse and you gamble until you can't gamble anymore! The best part is, it doesn't matter if you go bankrupt 'cos you're already dead!" "OK, this is starting to sound pretty good" "I knew you'd come 'round", replies the Devil, "Now, do you like drugs?" "Yea I am a junkie" "Fantastic!", exclaims the Devil, "You'll be looking forward to Wednesday! Everybody gets a great big bowl of smack and you smoke until you can't smoke anymore! The best part is, it doesn't matter if you overdose 'cos you're already dead!" "Can this place get any better?" "You bet!", replies the Devil, "Do you like sodomy?" "Um…no" "Oh", the Devil trails off, "Thursdays are going to be tough on you then".
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, 'Take as long as you like.' That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Three men died and ended up in Hell…
They were greeted by a fallen angel who told them, "You can stay here happily for all of eternity… as long as you don't step on a frog." The men all agreed to not step on any frogs and they went on their way. The first man only lasted a couple of hours before he ended up stepping on a frog. The fallen angel appeared and tied the ugliest woman he could find to the man's wrist. The second man lasted a week before he stepping on a frog as well. The fallen angel appeared and tied another extremely ugly woman to his wrist. The third man went years without ever stepping on a frog. Out of the blue, the fallen angel appeared with the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen and tied her to his wrist. The man asked, "What ever did I do to deserve such a reward?" The woman turned to the man and said, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a frog."
A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks “How much for a beer?”
The bartender replies "Free". The customer, completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender replies "Free". The guy, still amazed, then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal, then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The guy looks all confused, then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?" The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".
I started my new job at the local hospital helping to move patients around the hospital
Itโs not much, but itโs a rewarding job
What part of your body is the last to die?
Your eyes, cause they dilate
TIL Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Whatโs the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
I take a ruler to bed with me every night….
…so in the morning I can find out how long I slept.