Posted by my uncle on Facebook
Went shopping for cherries and a microphone the other day.
Bought a bing. Bought a boom.
I just had to breakup with my cross eyed girlfriend
She was seeing other people
My wife tells me I should never steal kitchen utensils…
…but it's a whisk that I'm willing to take
I just bought a border collie.
The one I already had wasn't bored enough.
Start with the punchline.
How do you tell a time travelling joke?
If pigs could fly…
I bet their wings would taste delicious!
Why was the music teacher arrested?
He fingered a minor.
Why was the teacher cross eyed?
Because she couldnβt control her pupils.
Why did the English teacher break up with the physics teacher?
There was no chemistry
Whenever I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments of my high school days come flooding back to me.
I shouldnβt have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
This guy got really drunk. So drunk that his friends had to carry him.
This guy got really drunk. So drunk that his friends had to carry him. Next morning he wakes up in his own bed, clean, in his pijamas, his wife gone. Groggy as hell, he gets up and starts looking around. In the kitchen he finds an immaculate breakfast, eggs, bacon, coffee and 50 bucks. He finds a note from his wife: "Dearest beloved husband. I hope that my note finds you well. I have prepared this loving breakfast for you and I've left you 50 bucks to go and have a drink with your mates later. Lots of love." Stunned, the guy runs back upstairs and shakes his son awake. "What happened, boy? What's all this?" "Well dad, you came home absolutely pissed and mum was furious. We carried you up to your bedroom and when she started undressing your smelly clothes you began to push her and yell: Leave me alone you scank! I'm a married man!"
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, βWait! Iβm a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, βAnd you will dialogue!"
How do you tickle a rich girl?
Say 'Gucci Gucci Gucci'
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.
Iβm sure that must have been a record.
My wife told me that if I bought her one more idiotic gift, sheβll just burn it.
So I bought her a candle.
What happins if you can’t pee?
Urine trouble
How many people can ride in an ambulance?
Just paramedics and someone else if theyβre patient enough
I’ve got an advent calendar for Jehovah’s Witnesses…
Every time you open a door, someone tells you to fuck off.
Well… Here goes nothing
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What has 12 Legs, 12 hands and 12 Eyes?
12 Pirates
I have many jokes about unemployed people.
Sadly, none of them work.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it
Did you hear about the the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
A man at a petrol station. (Longish)
A man was a petrol station. He fills up his car but spills some on pertol his arm as he puts the pump away. He pays and leaves. As he drives away, he lights a cigarette and his arm on fire. He frantically waves his burning arm out the window and a police officer behind him pulls over and helps him put it out. The man thanks him profusely. The officer says, "No problem but unfortunately I'll still have to charge you." The man asks, "charge me? What for?" The officer replies, "unregistered firearm."
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!" Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" "Oh, no! Iβm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks. "Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didnβt send that one, either." Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?" Abe answers, "Theyβll find us!"
I like to disassociate myself from the word ‘Xenophobia’
It's a bit too foreign-sounding for my liking.
My wife didnβt think Iβll give our daughter a silly name.
But I called her Bluff.
I hate autocorrect…
It always makes me say things I didnβt Nintendo…
My ex girlfirend
My ex-girlfriend used to give me nicknames whilst giving me head. "The Impaler" was my favourite. Well, at least, that's what I thought she said…. Turns out she's asthmatic and it's my fault she died.
With great reflexes comes great response ability.
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The Queen was touring a hospital
During her tour, accompanied by doctors, nurses, and hospital board members, she passed a room with a man furiously masturbating. "OH MY! HOW INAPPROPRIATE!" she exclaims "Your majesty, he suffers from a medical condition where he generates so much sperm his testicles will explode if that is not done at least daily" one of the doctors explains. "Oh…well I suppose that is understandable" the queen says, and they continue the tour. A few minutes later they pass a room where a patient is receiving a blow job from a rather attractive nurse. "AND WHAT IS GOING ON THERE?!" the queen shouts, almost fainting. "Same condition, better health plan."
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
Its a buccaneer
The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines.
Itβs always the centre of a tension.
What do you call a good swimming pun?
A stroke of genius
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary
What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous
I slept like a baby last night..
I spent half the night crying and then shit myself.
