Posted this 3 years ago but still my oc
Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?
No Son, have you seen my dadglasses?
Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone asks for your wifi password you can say 12345678
Why China is arresting people for spreading misinformation?
Because spreading misinformation is government's job.
My wife is always threatening to harm me if I keep stealing her kitchen utensils…
but that’s a wisk I’m willing to take.
Don’t try to get a career in counterfeiting.
You won't make any real money.
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes
The doctor says it's terminal
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.” “Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife. “Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?” “Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor’s office to collect his wife’s test results.
The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife." "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith. "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
I just got out of a heated debate with a friend of mine who read an article on this
https://ift.tt/36skeKs
Science created skyscraper and planes.
Religion brought them together.
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”
Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”
Two years ago my doctor told me I’m going deaf
I haven't heard back from him since
A gorgeous nymphomaniac boarded a plane…
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo – she took the seat right beside him. "Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States …" He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded," I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.." "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!" "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book
That must be why everyone calls him the 'supreme reader'.
Why do teenage girls always walk in odd numbers
Cuz they like can’t even
Educated people are hot
Because the have got more degrees ! ( Read this one in an old book ! )
Why is this so easy? (X-Post from r/harrypottermemes u/themagiclady, link in the comments)
https://ift.tt/31oljPB
What time of the year do most squirrels die?
No nut November
I sell balloons for $1 each, or if you want them blown up it’s $1.20.
I’ve adjusted the price to allow for inflation.
If any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.
If having a big dick was a crime
I would be a felon. Not because I have a big dick, but because I ran over several children on purpose.
Most People Rejected His Message. They Hated Him Because He Told Them The Truth.
https://ift.tt/37geC5M
Why couldn‘t the bike stand up by itself?
It was two tired
Teenage boy can’t figure out how his friend gets laid all the time — but he doesn’t
He asks his friend how he does it. The friend whispers, "I'll tell you, but keep it a secret." The teenage boy excitedly agrees. "All you have to do is, before you go to the beach, put a big potato down in your bathing suit. The girls will swarm you in no time." The teenage boy does as instructed, but instead, the girls see him, scream and run away. "What did I do wrong?" the teenage boy asks his friend. The friend looks him over and shakes his head. "Christ, man. You're supposed to put it down the FRONT."
I hope Death is a woman.
That way it will never come for me.
So There I Was, Balls Deep in Some Peanut Butter…
When I thought to myself "Man…I'm fucking nuts."
Do you wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin
I told a girl she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
What do you call Bigfoot in Europe?
Big Meter.
So our boss just banned overly specific nicknames.
Now our whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner
Came across an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full”
I thought, “I can’t turn that down”
How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?
Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.
What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line
My wife and I have an agreement. I don’t try to run her life,
and I don’t try to run mine.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine
Two whales are in the ocean, and one whale says to the other:
OOOoooOoOOOooOOooOOOoOOOoOoOO…ooOOOOOoOOOOoOoooOoOoOOOOoooOOOOoOooOoooooOooooo…oOOOOoOOOoOooOOOOoOooOoooooOOOoooooOOoOOoOOoOOOOOoOooooOOOO…oOOoOoOOOOOOOOOOooOoOOOOOOOoOOOooOOOoooooooooo…OOOoOoOoooOooooooOOOOooooOOooooooOoooOooooOooOoOoOoooOOoooOoOoOoooooo…oOOOoooOOooOOooOOOooOOOOOOoOOOOoooooOOOOoOOOOooooOooOooOoooo…OOoOOOoooooOooOOoOOOOOOOOOoOooooOoOOOoOOOOoOooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOOOOOOOOoO…oOoOoooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOooOOOoOOOOOOOOoOOOOOOooOoOooOOOoOooOo…OOOoooOoOOOooOOooOOOoOOOoOoOO…ooOOOOOoOOOOoOoooOoOoOOOOoooOOOOoOooOoooooOooooo…oOOOOoOOOoOooOOOOoOooOoooooOOOoooooOOoOOoOOoOOOOOoOooooOOOO…oOOoOoOOOOOOOOOOooOoOOOOOOOoOOOooOOOoooooooooo…OOOoOoOoooOooooooOOOOooooOOooooooOoooOooooOooOoOoOoooOOoooOoOoOoooooo…oOOOoooOOooOOooOOOooOOOOOOoOOOOoooooOOOOoOOOOooooOooOooOoooo…OOoOOOoooooOooOOoOOOOOOOOOoOooooOoOOOoOOOOoOooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOOOOOOOOoO…oOoOoooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOooOOOoOOOOOOOOoOOOOOOooOoOooOOOoOooOo…OOOoooOoOOOooOOooOOOoOOOoOoOO…ooOOOOOoOOOOoOoooOoOoOOOOoooOOOOoOooOoooooOooooo…oOOOOoOOOoOooOOOOoOooOoooooOOOoooooOOoOOoOOoOOOOOoOooooOOOO…oOOoOoOOOOOOOOOOooOoOOOOOOOoOOOooOOOoooooooooo…OOOoOoOoooOooooooOOOOooooOOooooooOoooOooooOooOoOoOoooOOoooOoOoOoooooo…oOOOoooOOooOOooOOOooOOOOOOoOOOOoooooOOOOoOOOOooooOooOooOoooo…OOoOOOoooooOooOOoOOOOOOOOOoOooooOoOOOoOOOOoOooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOOOOOOOOoO…oOoOoooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOooOOOoOOOOOOOOoOOOOOOooOoOooOOOoOooOo…OOOoooOoOOOooOOooOOOoOOOoOoOO…ooOOOOOoOOOOoOoooOoOoOOOOoooOOOOoOooOoooooOooooo…oOOOOoOOOoOooOOOOoOooOoooooOOOoooooOOoOOoOOoOOOOOoOooooOOOO…oOOoOoOOOOOOOOOOooOoOOOOOOOoOOOooOOOoooooooooo…OOOoOoOoooOooooooOOOOooooOOooooooOoooOooooOooOoOoOoooOOoooOoOoOoooooo…oOOOoooOOooOOooOOOooOOOOOOoOOOOoooooOOOOoOOOOooooOooOooOoooo…OOoOOOoooooOooOOoOOOOOOOOOoOooooOoOOOoOOOOoOooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOOOOOOOOoO…oOoOoooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOooOOOoOOOOOOOOoOOOOOOooOoOooOOOoOooOo… To which the other replied: Shut up, Frank. You're drunk.
What do seismologists eat for breakfast?
Panquakes and shakin'