POV: you turn on a slow laptop and start google chrome

1

The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey. As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another. The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?' The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you had what I have,' while chugging the last glass of wiskey. 'So, what is it that you have?' asks the bartender. The man: 'not a single penny'

Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything

He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me." At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery." "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I put in a cheque for the full amount."

The wedding wasn't that good but the reception-amazing

Layheehoo…

No text found

Ow!

Mrs. Carrot takes him to the ER and after a day of surgery, the doctor steps out and says, "Mrs. Carrot, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, we saved your husband. The bad news is, he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life."

Make America grate again!

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She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Oui'd

Oh yeah! Heroin.

On the other hand, you don’t.

It's important that you use a southern accent in your mind 😉 ​ Jim Bob and John Boy were sittin on their front porch watching their beans grow. On the road at the edge of their property they see a Volkswagen sputter to a stop. They head out to it and see a pretty woman looking at the engine and scratching her head. ​ Jim Bob "What's the problem miss?" ​ Lady "I don't know maybe you can tell?" ​ Jim Bob and John Boy take a look and find the radiator hose is broken and tell her. ​ Lady "Is there someplace nearby I can get it fixed" ​ John Boy "The nearest place is about six miles down the road but it's after five so it's already closed." ​ Lady "Is there a motel nearby that I can stay the night?" ​ Jim Bob "The nearest place is about three miles down the road but our truck is broked so we can't take you there." ​ Lady "Well can I stay at your place for the night?" ​ John Boy "Sure but we only have one bed." ​ Lady "That's O.K., I just need a place to stay." ​ After dinner they went to bed, the lady in the middle started to play with their penises. As they became erect she reaches into her purse whips out a couple of condoms and hands them to Jim Bob and John Boy. ​ Jim Bob "What are these things for?" ​ Lady "These are so I don't get pregnant." ​ They all have sex for a couple hours and in the morning they call the tow truck and send her on her way. ​ About six months later Jim Bob and John Boy are sittin on their front porch watching their beans grow… ​ Jim Bob "Do you really care if that woman gets pregnant?" ​ John Boy "No." ​ Jim Bob "THEN LET'S TAKE THESE THINGS OFF!" ​ Thank again for cheering me up 🙂

I will never part with this.

There are girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. "Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan. "Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented… What's that about?" "Oh," Satan says, "that´s for the Christians, they want it that way."

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

Its not my normal day job, I'm just doing it to make Hens meet.

Mass confusion.

Agstralia

He said, “Repeat infractions?” I said, “Okay, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!”

Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"

Brochure

A roamin' Catholic.

Nazi Officer: "Sir, we are mining too many useless ores" Hitler rubs chin: "So mine less" Grammar Nazi busts in: "MINE FEWER" Hitler looks up: "Yes?"

You don't turn your back on family

You boil the hell out of it.

It was not real food, it was an impasta.

I'm going to try the meatballs next time.

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