POV: you turn on a slow laptop and start google chrome
NSFW Girl to her friend: Do you know how many calories there are in a load of cum?
Friend: Sweetie, if you're swallowing enough to worry about it, no one will care if you're a little chubby.
If I could be any super hero, I would be Aluminum Man…
…my super power would be foiling crime.
My girlfriend makes me want to become a better person.
Mostly so I can get a better girlfriend.
Why is Christmas just like your job?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets the credit.
My wife insists that guys in camouflage look sexy.
I just don’t see it.
I would like to make chemistry jokes on this subreddit
But all the good ones Argon
I’ve asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for
So far no one has given me a straight answer
-Sir, you have a bladder infection.
-What’s that? -Urine trouble, sir.
An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, ‘I need to search your ranch for illegally grown drugs.’ The rancher replies, ‘Okay, but don’t go into the field over there.’
The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?' The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the agent running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the agent. The agent is clearly terrified. The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs….. 'Your badge! Show him your badge!'
What’s 50 Cent’s name in Zimbabwe?
400 Million dollars
Time flies like an arrow, and fruit flies like a banana
No text found
I used to hate facial hair.
But then it grew on me.
How do you get a philosophy major off of your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
Elephants have been defamed and maligned with this disgraceful association for far too long
https://ift.tt/2RKmreA
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French!” after a swear word…
I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French…
How do you keep burglars from stealing your bagels?
Install new lox.
What’s the worst part of locking your keys in the car outside planned parenthood?
Having to go back in and ask for a hanger.
Why is a priests favourite number 3.14?
Because they are very pi-ous
My mom was telling dadjokes
He laughed
Stalin asked Hitler if he wants to hear a joke.
Hitler says "Yes." Stalin then says "Moscow." Hitler replies with "I don't get it?" Stalin laughs and says "And you never will."
NSFW – A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied…………"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
It was very difficult to switch off my mother-in-law’s life support system.
I had to fight my wife and two doctors to do it.
West Virginia is the last US state without a confirmed case of COVID-19.
Not because they don’t have it, but because they can’t figure out how to read the tests.
Son comes home from school…
Son: Dad, we got a strange new girl in class today with a really weird name… Dad: Now son, you shouldn’t think less of a person because of that person’s name. Son: I understand. Dad: Just curious, what is her name? Son: Nonstick Cookingspray Dad: ……what the hell kind of name is that? Son: That’s what I said! I tried calling her Pam but… Dad: …but what..,? Son: It just didn’t stick.
Why is dark spelt with a K and not a C?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Soap Dispenser
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realise there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "its a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood… sure enough he drops the second bar of Soap. The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells! "Mary, Mother of God – Hand Lotion too!
A bear goes to the bar and says “can I get one whiskey………………and one coke”
The bartender asked "why the big pause" The bear replies "I was born with them"
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
In space, two aliens are talking to each other.
The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons." The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"
Robin: “Batman, this is Robin”
Robin: "I'm calling on the batphone, from the batcave. The batmobile won't start!" Batman: "Have you checked the battery?" Robin: "what's a tery?"
An Englishman, an American and a Scotsman wander in the desert
After a long while they encounter a huge wall. They try to go around it, over it, but the wall is too high and too long. Out of nowhere, a genie appears. The genie sais: "You must all tell a lie in order to break this wall. The greater the lie, the greater the damage. But beware, each one of you only has one try." The men sink into deep thinking state. After hours of thinking, the Englishman begins: "Us, the english gentlemen, never drink tea with milk." The wall cracks. The American adds: "Us, the american gentlemen never smoke stogies after a hard day of work." Again, the wall cracks. Now all left up to the Scotsman, he takes a deep breath and starts: "Us, the scottish gentlemen-" The wall shatters.
When a short person waves at you….
Its called a microwave
Why can’t Kylie Jenner ever see her dad?
He’s transparent
Why was the baby strawberry crying?
Because his mom and dad were in a jam
