My father’s answer to everything was alcohol.
He wasn’t a drunk. He was just shitty at Trivia.
4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke. The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied: "I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."
My wife asked me “what starts with f and ends with k”
I said "No, it doesn't".
“Dad, I’m so happy! I got a B in reading!”
Dad: That’s a D, idiot.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his butt.
The doctors described his condition as stable.
I broke up with my college girlfriend because she was obsessed with finding the largest known prime number.
I wonder what she is up to now.
Why does Reddit have 2 d’s?
The second one is a repost….
What do you call a Chameleon who can’t change colours?
A reptile dysfunction!
I tried to re-marry my ex wife
But she figured out I was only after my money.
My daughter was trying to convince me that the dress she was going out in wasn’t slutty,
but I saw right through it.
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl.”
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
Boy: Fires handgun at the shooting range…
Dad: "You're holding a shot gun now."
Why wasn’t infinity war a vegan movie?
Because everything was at steak
I recently received a book with “do not read until the year 2030” written on the cover
But that’s a story for another time
What did the reindeer say to a kid before telling them a joke?
“This one is gonna sleigh you.”

You may be young enough to understand tech, but damn that’s a boomer tier joke
https://ift.tt/39ET2Jk
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
I was watching Jurassic park the other day…..
…. when I thought "not only does my son have a really stupid name, he´s also a terrible driver"
Mike Tyson gifted little metal cups to his friends…
When they asked what it meant, he said it was a thimble of friendship!
I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby.
He slapped my hand away. Turns out he wasn't born yesterday.
Why do reddit users hate facebook?
Because you need to have friends to be on facebook.
To be Frank
I’d have to change my name
Guess who stopped smoking this morning?
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
Why did the chicken use the crosswalk?
Because it was safer. (Credit to I-80 sign)
You can’t die if you roll in salt.
You'll get cured.
Apparently my snoring is so loud that
I scare everyone in the car I'm driving
My asshole twin brother just called me from prison.
He said: "Gil… remember how we used to finish each other's sentences?"
Apparently girraffes only sleep 3 hours a day.
They must neckered.
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance… never really wanted to" A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody standing around was laughing.. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12-gauge barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said; "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir… but…. I've always wanted to"

Because your side projects are just an excuse to make a new framework, right?
https://ift.tt/2Xz0fqE
I told this girl I was talking to that I like to race cars, she asked me if I win often
I said no, the cars are much faster
My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
What does an annoying pepper do?
It get’s jalapeño face…