Power outages delight me.
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A lumberjack walks into a magical forest….
A lumberjack walks into a magical forest to cut a tree. He swings his ax at an old oak and it shouts, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!" The lumberjack laughed and says, "Yes! And you will dialogue."
What happens when you get a bladder infection?
Urine trouble.
Rest in peace to boiling water
You will be mist
I want to share a corona virus poem I wrote today.
Everybody was Kung Flu fighting, That crap was fast as lightning, In fact, it was a little bit frightening, The experts couldn’t predict the timing, Everybody was Kung Flu fighting.
I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, “By mistake?”
I shouted, “Oh come on! Not you too!”
The bouncer said to me, “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” I said, “Why?”
They said, “I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline.”
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying
Are you having a crisis?
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t have possibly been named before him
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language.
For instance, Take the simple phrase “secure the building”. The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
Husband: I heard a rumor that the mailman has slept with every single woman on our street except one.
Wife: I bet it's that snooty Priscilla Jones in Number 7.
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.
“How are you mate?” “Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.” I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond “Get away with ya… Prove it.” I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?” He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?” EDIT: Gold already?! Thank you so much guys!!
The ending of Game of Thrones makes sense, think about it.
Arya went west, Jon went north, Drogon went east, and the show went south.
3 Catholic Parrots
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father,I have a problem. I have two female parrots, But they only know how to say one thing.''What do they say?' the priest inquired. They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' 'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment. 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter . My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying . . That phrase .. . In no time.' Thank you,' the woman responded, this may very well be the solution.' The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' There was stunned silence. Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot And exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!'
My son asked me how hard it is to calculate the area of a circle
I told him it’s easy as pi
A raisin, a peanut, and an oat sit down and order a drink.
The bartender says, “what do you think this is, a granola bar? “.
The early bird gets the worm
but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon.
Neil before me.
To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you.
I have contacts.
The 10th film for The Fast and Furious was just announced
And its called "Fast Ten, Your Seatbelt"
People with diarrhoea are easy-going…
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Why does a mathematician eat 9 times everyday?
So that he has 3 squared meals per day
Why was the baby jalapeno shivering?
He was a little chili.
A man walked into a bar.
A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender : "What can you serve as a non – alcoholic beverage?" Bartender: "We have mango juice" Man: "I have a cold. Ju would be fine."
Exasperated, I showed him the picture and pleaded, “Doctor, all of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!”
He acknowledged grimly, "Indeed, that's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen."
What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb inside Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
