prepare your stimulus
I just can’t part with it
My dog doesn’t even OWN a bike.
She told all her friends I had a small dick. Luckily they all knew she was lying.
She said “yes, the others were at least eights or nines”
I woke up exhausted.
Even their cakes are in tiers.
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Because 6, 7 8…
Lawyer: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is mentally unstable." Mickey: "I didn't say she was unstable… I said she was fucking Goofy."
Guess who came crawling back
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If it sinks, it's a girl ant If it floats, it's buoyant.
She is a few hours away from getting a heart transplant and quite nervous. She asks the surgeon, “Doctor, what if my body rejects it?” The surgeon replies, “Well, you’re in good health apart from your heart. What do you do for a living?” She shyly admits, “Um, actually I’ve been working as a prostitute since I was eighteen.” “I see… and how old are you now?” He Enquired. “Thirty four – but may I ask where this is going?” She replied anxiously. “Well,” said the surgeon after some thought, “if you haven’t rejected an organ for the last sixteen years, it’s unlikely that you’ll start now.”
I told her, "I think you mean fewer".
They prescribed me some anti gloating cream. I cant wait to rub it in.
On the other hand, I’m ok
Either twice the Dad jokes or an infinite loop of “Go ask your mom”.
One is meteor ☄️
I’m about to start a religious movement.
I mean… how low can you get!
I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond.
The bartender says “why are you so happy?” The man replies “well, after work I was walking home and saw this woman tied to a train track. It was just like something out of a movie! So I untied her and took her home. And then we had the best sex of my life, all over the house in every position you could imagine! It was unbelievable!” The bartender is impressed “sounds great! Was she hot?” “Not sure”, said the man, “I never found the head.”
Just another good thing ruined by period.
Beer nuts are around $1.25 and deer nuts are just under a buck.
His friend asks, "Who?"
A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were. ”We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager. “Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.” On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem. “Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.”
I was driving the other day, accidentally hit this guy in the back. Guy gets out. I see that he’s a dwarf. He starts surveying the damage, shakes his head, and says, “Well, I’m not Happy!”
I said, “Well, which one are you?!” And that’s when the fight began.
I told her I didn’t want to hear her Saab story.