prepare your stimulus
I’ve gone bald, but kept my comb…
I just can’t part with it
The cops just stopped by and said I was in trouble because my dog was chasing someone on a bike
My dog doesn’t even OWN a bike.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I was cheating on her.
She told all her friends I had a small dick. Luckily they all knew she was lying.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said “yes, the others were at least eights or nines”
What type of shoes do pedophiles wear?
White vans
I had a dream that I was a muffler last night.
I woke up exhausted.
People are so sad I’m not entering the bake off this year.
Even their cakes are in tiers.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8…
Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in the lawyer’s office
Lawyer: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is mentally unstable." Mickey: "I didn't say she was unstable… I said she was fucking Goofy."
My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
When a woman is giving birth she is literally kidding.
No text found
How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears?
A buck-an-ear
How do you identify the gender of an ant?
If it sinks, it's a girl ant If it floats, it's buoyant.
An escort goes to the hospital
She is a few hours away from getting a heart transplant and quite nervous. She asks the surgeon, “Doctor, what if my body rejects it?” The surgeon replies, “Well, you’re in good health apart from your heart. What do you do for a living?” She shyly admits, “Um, actually I’ve been working as a prostitute since I was eighteen.” “I see… and how old are you now?” He Enquired. “Thirty four – but may I ask where this is going?” She replied anxiously. “Well,” said the surgeon after some thought, “if you haven’t rejected an organ for the last sixteen years, it’s unlikely that you’ll start now.”
My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.
I told her, "I think you mean fewer".
I went to the doctors the other day because I cant stop showing off.
They prescribed me some anti gloating cream. I cant wait to rub it in.
I broke my finger today
On the other hand, I’m ok
What do storm troopers and churches have in common?
Pew-Pew-Pew-Pew-Pew
Having gay parents must be really difficult.
Either twice the Dad jokes or an infinite loop of “Go ask your mom”.
What’s the difference between an asteroid and a meatball?
One is meteor ☄️
I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives.
I’m about to start a religious movement.
Somebody broke into my house and stole my limbo stick!
I mean… how low can you get!
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond.
A man walks into a bar with a big smile on his face
The bartender says “why are you so happy?” The man replies “well, after work I was walking home and saw this woman tied to a train track. It was just like something out of a movie! So I untied her and took her home. And then we had the best sex of my life, all over the house in every position you could imagine! It was unbelievable!” The bartender is impressed “sounds great! Was she hot?” “Not sure”, said the man, “I never found the head.”
What does 6.9 mean?
Just another good thing ruined by period.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are around $1.25 and deer nuts are just under a buck.
A man tells his friend, “I know a guy who has a small dick and sounds like an owl.”
His friend asks, "Who?"
A politicians promise
A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were. ”We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager. “Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.” On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem. “Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.”
I was driving the other day, accidentally hit this guy in the back. Guy gets out. I see that he’s a dwarf. He starts surveying the damage, shakes his head, and says, “Well, I’m not Happy!”
I said, “Well, which one are you?!” And that’s when the fight began.
My friend complained to me that her new Saab 9-5 was having engine problems.
I told her I didn’t want to hear her Saab story.
