President Barack Obama committing obvious crime, August 28, 2019
"Then what about pianos?" -my half drunk dad
No it’s not
National Dyslexic Association
Lots of training
"You're not holding on to last year's shit" My wife beat me to the first dad joke of the year. Damnit
your mouth moves just like your butt-hole does when you poop. The same is true for "explosive diarrhea".
Imagine the releaf they feel in spring.
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day. At one point, Mick the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. ‘Damn,’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again. ‘Damn, damn!’ He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. ‘By Jeebers… I’m a little crocked,’ he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, ‘No damn’ way’. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed!’ He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘Damn it!’ and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’ Paddy says, ‘No Jess, what makes you say that?’ ‘Mick phoned… you left your wheelchair at the pub
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools
Outlaws are wanted.
I won't be spoken to in that tone!
It's my thirty second birthday after all.
Good condition, only driven from time to time
It’s pretty dope
They cant Elope…
You've seen the mall!
Dad: Why isn’t anybody turning the 5th kid around?
Why can't this flight attendant understand that?
“I will disappear on the count of three! Uno…dos…” And he disappeared without a tres.
Sometimes he laughs.
Father: Before or after sex? Son: I don't know what that means? Father: Well there are two different types Son: Umm, before sex. Father: Oh well it looks like an Orchid at dawn just as the sun hits it, with dew drops on it, in a Botanical garden in Spring. Son: Oh woah. What does it look like after sex? Father: It looks like a bulldog just ate a jar of mayonnaise.
I’m not sure what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
VELOCIRAPTOR -heehee physics jokes