President Donald Trump tweeted out an image Wednesday morning of his head photoshopped onto Rocky Balboa’s body for no apparent reason.
I tried fitting in to a town with wind turbines….
But I just wasn't a big fan.
I won my first cage fight last night…
Parrot didn't know what hit it.
what do you call an acid with an attitude?
A-mean-o-acid π.
Things I do to piss off my wife
Sext her out of nowhere and then text back right away βsorry wrong personβ
Tap this for a little known fact!
α΄·βΏα΅Κ·βΏ αΆ α΅αΆα΅
2 Girls, 1 Cup isn’t for everyone.
But some people eat that shit up.
Two Arab guys move to the US, and they have a friendly bet as to who would become more βAmericanizedβ in a year.
After a year, the first guy: I just dropped off my kids at baseball practice, and Iβm taking him to McDonalds later. The second guy: Fuck off, towelhead!
I was walking along the other day and stepped in dog shit.
As I was wiping my shoe, I watched another guy also step in it. I said to him "I just did that". He walked over, punched me in the face and screamed, "You disgusting bastard!".
We all know Albert Einstein was a great man…
… but his brother Frank was a monster.
After work, I volunteer to help blind children.
Btw – Verb, not Adjective
Courtesy of my 6 year old – Where did fozzy bear take his dog?
For a walka walka walka
Two wrongs don’t make a right…
But two Wrights make a plane.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar…
The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
I regret not commenting enough in my early years of CS, itβs just a habit of mine now
https://ift.tt/3aw0QNJ
We were driving past a cemetery.
My dad said in a dead serious quiet voice "I know something you don't know about this place. The people living in this town aren't allowed to be buried here." And I was really confused, so I asked why. He said "because they are still alive."
What do you call a short mexican?
A paragraph, because hes too short to be an esse
What is the benefit of living in Switzerland?
Well the flag is a big plus
An excited Muslim comes to heaven’s gates.
He asks saint Peter: "I'd like to see Mohammed. Do you know where he is?" "Mohammed? He's not here. I'm just the gatekeeper. You'll need to go higher." And so the Muslim enters. He sees Mary the god bearer sitting on a bench. "Excuse me. Do you know where I could find Mohammed?" "Mohammed? I think he's at work. You'll need to go higher." Having ascended all the way to the top, he sees Jesus standing before him. "Christ, highest of prophets. I'm looking for Mohammed. Please show me the way." "Mohammed you say? You'll need to go higher." Saying that, Jesus rises his hand and a stairway appears. Thankful, the Muslim goes up the long steps. Suddenly, he finds himself in what looks like an office. God, radiating with divine light, welcomes him. "What do you seek?" "Can I see Mohammed?" "Of course but why the rush. Come. Sit down. Would you like a coffee?" "Yes please." "Mohammed! Two coffees please"
Otherwise
No text found
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, βDo you have a criminal record?β
I said, βNo. Is that still required?β
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks βWhy is the last one so cheap?β
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
I bought a wooden whistle
But it wooden whistle. So I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.
250 dogs escaped from the SPCA
Police are following a number of leads.
How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
The most notable difference is whether you see them later or in a while…
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Stunned, the woman sits down and complains to the man next to her. "I can't believe that rude driver! He was so insulting to me! I have half I mind to tell him off!" The man replies, "You should. Let him have it. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
A teenager tells his father, βThereβs water in my carβs carburetor.β
The father looks confused and says, βWater in the carburetor? Thatβs ridiculous.β But the son insists, βIβm telling you, thereβs water in the carburetor.β His father is starting to get a little nervous. βYou donβt even know what a carburetor isβ he says, βIβll check it out. Whereβs the car?β βIn the pool.β
What did Charizard say to Pikachu?
Charizard
Most people would prefer to have the time off between Christmas and New Year, but I have a better idea.
I'd like to have the time off between New Year and Christmas.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
Itβs an extremely rare dish order.