President Trump made it illegal for stores to sell shredded cheese
“Make America grate again”
What do you call a psychic midget who escaped from jail?
A small medium at large
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion
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Why do dice prefer to be in groups of two?
Because then it's a pair-a-dice
A lawyer is arrested by the cops
He says: "I refuse to say anything without a lawyer present." Cop: "You are a lawyer." Lawyer: "Exactly, so where is my present?"
Whats the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
What do you call an undercover shoe?
A sneaker
Why was the card dealer at the casino so resilient?
He dealt with whatever was thrown his way
Why is it that chinese kids don’t believe in santa?
Because they’re the ones making the toys!
I’m planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasm
If you can’t come, let me know
My doctor advised me to eat cleaner.
So now I shower before every meal.
I just bought my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas.
I have no idea why he wants an ex box
I was about to tell a joke about unemployment
but it needs some work
I thought getting a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant….
but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
I work in a shop called The Masochist.
I hate it so much that I work there seven days a week.
How does Spider-Man think of such witty comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He pasta way
Why was the soldier pinned down?
He was under a tack
What do you call a teacher who doesn’t like to fart in public?
A private tooter.
I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth on a gram.
I was – like – 0MG.
Kenny Loggins Should Do A Song With Kenny Passwords.
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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
That's not funny.
When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding
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Lawyer joke from my 8 year old
What do you call a crappy lawyer? An a-turd-ney
Where do dead cows get buried?
Cattlecombs
A Scottish man visits Canada for the first time
He goes for a hike and sees a moose. He asks the park ranger, “Oi! What animal is that then?” “That’s a moose,” the ranger replied. “A moose!” exclaimed the Scotsman, “If that there’s a moose, dear laddie, ye must have rats the size of elephants then!”
I hired lawyers to sue the airline company for mishandling my luggage.
They lost my case.
So There I Was, Balls Deep in Some Peanut Butter…
When I thought to myself "Man…I'm fucking nuts."
An old man walks into a chemist and starts examining packs of viagra…
Nurse: Do you need any help there, sir? Old Man: Yes, every Saturday my wife wants to have sex, but unfortunately, I can never get an erection. Which brand of viagra would you recommend? Nurse: Well sir, everyone is different, but if you come with me to the counter, I can get you a pack that is proving very popular with our customers. The old man follows the nurse to the counter, she turns around, bends over and picks up the viagra from the bottom shelf, as she turns back around, the old man is already walking away Old Man: Thank you very much, I'll see you again next Saturday.
The Norwegian navy has started putting bar codes on their ships…
So they can scan da navy in…
I am giving up drinking for a month
Sorry that came out wrong. I am giving up. Drinking for a month.
I found out why nurses carry red crayons
In case they have to draw blood.
Got my dad with this one
Currently staying at a hotel with my dad. Next to the parking lot there’s a sign that says “pet grounds”, pointing to where you can walk your dog. My dad reads it aloud, “pet grounds”, so I say “alright then”. I crouched down, pet the grass a little bit and said, “good grounds”. Got a good laugh out of it.