Pretty much
Why isn’t the submarine doing well in school.
He's below c-level
Me: Did you hear about the actor who got stabbed?
You: Who? Me: Reese You: Witherspoon? Me : Nah, with a knife
I have a pen that can write underwater.
It can write other words too.
The parade has been on for more than 1.5 minutes and now I’m confused…
… because at the beginning, the announcer clearly said "Welcome to the 90-second Thanksgiving Day parade!"
Some bloke just threw a glass of milk at me…
I thought, how dairy
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, “Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth.” Reflecting, the man says, “I’ll take the wisdom”
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
Fuck ugly people.
That way you'll finally get laid.
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
My wife left me cause Im too insecure
Never mind she was just at the grocery store
♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫
I just sang about eight bars.
Did you know that Terry Crews once had a heckler that mysteriously dropped dead?
Doctors said the man had died from dissin’ Terry
Ive just deleted all the German names from my phone.
Now, I'm completely Hans-free
Engineer and Anti-vaxxer come to the bridge
Anti-vaxxer says to the engineer: Is it safe to cross the bridge? Engineer: It is 99,97% safe to cross that bridge. Anti-vaxxer: I'd rather swim.
I hate crowds, and just walked into a room full of married people.
Thankfully, there wasn’t a single person in there.
Oh, you did not remember that scene? And now you feel disturbed because you are thinking that scene? Whoopsie doodle, my b.
Oh, you did not remember that scene? And now you feel disturbed because you are thinking that scene? Whoopsie doodle, my b.
You could say I’m B.R.O.K.E.
B – Bad R – At O – Acronyms K – E –
What kind of Dr was Dr.Pepper
He was a Fizzsician
I ordered a latte at Starbucks.
The bloke made me a full cup and designed the foam to look like the Apple logo. "That's really creative," I said, "I appreciate it." "Thank you sir," he smiled, "That would be £199."
If any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.
I almost got raped in jail
My family takes monopoly too seriously
My girlfriend is so smart
Once I forgot to bring my phone when I went out for the day. I borrowed my friend's phone to call her. She answered "What's up baby?" She is so smart she knew I was the one calling her. Edit: it's my cake day!
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high
She looked surprised
What do you call a dinosaur with shoes on?
Zapatosaurus
When does a joke become a “dad joke”?
When it becomes apparent
You really shouldn’t watch any horror movie today
It may, Fri 10 you.
“Mister E. how do I get more muscle?”, “ah, you see young Opi, the secret it’s in the mass”
“Mister E. how do I get more muscle?”, “ah, you see young Opi, the secret it’s in the mass”
