Pretty much…
Why can’t T-rexes clap?
Cause they’re extinct
How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They only talk about change.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?”
I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
The world’s largest egg is laid by the Ostrich…
And the world's largest woman is laid by your dad.
I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices.
He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence
Why has Japan had so many conflicts and wars?
Because they have lots of animes.
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I’m not racist, i love all races equally
Black, asian, normal, it doesn't matter
Why does Batman wear Dark clothing?
Batman doesn't want to get shot. Why does Robin wear bright clothing? Batman doesn't want to get shot.
I love him
I love him
My son cheated on his physics test, and has no idea how much trouble he is in.
He doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
Dad: Son, what be a pirate’s favorite restaurant? Son: Arrrrby’s! Dad: Correct! And what be a pirate’s favorite animal? Son: Arrrrmadillo! Dad: Right again! But what be a pirate’s favorite body part? Son: Easy. The arrrrrm!
Dad: You'd think it would be the arrrrm, but he's rather fond of the booty!
Why did the anti-vaxxer’s 4 year old son buy a corvette?
He was having a midlife crisis.
Went to a theater and my dumb friends wouldn’t sit together.
We ended up getting into a row.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
Three women are sitting at a bar arguing over who has the biggest vagina.
The first girl says, ‘My boyfriend can fit a whole fist up there.’ The second girl says, ‘Ha, my boyfriend can fit two fists and a foot.’ The third girl just smiles as she slides down the bar stool.
Went to Jail for the first time and found out that what they say about dropping the soap is just a myth
I held on to that soap for dear life and it turns out they rape you anyway
I had sex with an almond tree once
It was at that point in my life i realized i was fucking nuts.
What do Japanese cannibals eat?
Raw men
A mother is cooking dinner when she hears her son come back from school…
"How was you English test today?" She asked "It was easy except I had trouble on this one difficult question" "What did it ask?" The mother replied "It asked for the past tense of think" "What did you answer it as?" The mother says. "I couldn't really figure it out. I thought and thought and thought and thought, and I finally wrote thunk"
The sweater my wife gave me was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
Do you know why I don’t like stairs?
Because they’re always up to something
Sex on the job
Client: "Why did you have sex with her?!" Employee: "She was just lying there naked! What else was I supposed to do?" Client: "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!" Employee: "I don't tell you how to do your job; don't tell me how to do mine!" Client: "You're the worst veterinarian of all time!"
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $285…
That's why, in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set, so I threw the bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.