I bumped into an old school friend today.
He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's a fucking optician.”
Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on all of their ships?
So when they come back to port, they can scandanavian
It’s okay if you have no idea what “prefix” means.
It’s not the end of the word.
Waited months for new kitchen and lorry capsized less than 300yatds from my home
https://ift.tt/2Wr1S9G
What do you call an airplane that flies backwards?
A receding airline.
This is the 2nd day in a row when google AI has gone insane
This is the 2nd day in a row when google AI has gone insane
Apparently babies start walking at around 1.
Well, it's 2:30 now and she hasn't walked at all
How do you piss off a female archeologist?
Find a used tampon and ask her what period it is from.
My friend is getting rich by taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.
It’s like shooting fish in apparel.
These two guys at the golf course were talking about their blood sugar levels, while they prepared for their opening shots.
Silence fell as they put their stands in the grass, and when I looked closer at these stands I saw the design of them. Yellow and black, with wings attached to the sides. "Those stands are hideous," I said out loud, but neither of them heard me. I think they had dire bee tees.
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
A beautiful woman is sitting next to a teenage boy on a plane.
There is terrible turbulence and then the plane goes into a sudden nose dive. The Captain comes on the intercom and says “I hate to have to tell you this folks, but we might not walk away from this one.” Everyone begins to panic except for the boy who sheepishly turns to the woman and says, “I hate to trouble you miss, but we might die and I’ve never kissed anyone.” The woman is at first taken aback but after a moment realizes she might as well make the kid happy in their final moments. She passionately kisses him. The boy, elated, goes on, “Sorry to bother you again after such a lovely kiss, but we might die and I’ve never felt a breast.” Again the woman is taken aback but decides there is no harm in it and slides his hand under her shirt. After a good long feel, the boy again says “you’ve been so kind already but please, I don’t want to die never having gotten a blow job.” Already committed to helping this boy have new experiences before they die, the woman smiles and begins to undo his belt. Just then the plane levels off. As everyone exits the plane they shake hands with the captain and congratulate him. The woman walks off the plain she says “thank you so much for saving us from certain death.” The boy shouts “just a little longer next time dad!”
I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.
The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.
My dumbass son thinks there’s the letter F is in the word ‘way’
There’s no F in way.
Do you know I tell dad jokes?
He even laughs sometimes.
Why did the anti-vaxxer’s 4 year old son buy a corvette?
He was having a midlife crisis.
My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back to me.
When I die, I hope to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
What do you call a stolen Tesla?
An Edison.
I have a fear of over-designed buildings.
I have a complex complex complex.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes
But none of them work
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it's cheaper.
How many South Americans it takes to change a bulb?
One brazilian
I don’t know why marvel hasn’t tried to advertise on the hulk.
He’s a giant banner after all.
Mystery Ink Reddit Bull, Claims Alaska Girl
Pics are expected to prove supposed underground print version of famed forum made with "disappearing ink" a hoax.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender
I decided to learn sign language.
It’s surprisingly very handy.
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. “It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.
“Just call me Hoff,” he replied. “Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”
What do you call a ship captain with a big booty?
"Thicc" with seven C's.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room. They said: “Thank you.”
I said: “Please don’t mention it.”
What do you call the verses added to a song to make it longer?
Extension chords
I just had an half hour argument with my 5 year old about the importance of wearing pants in public, and she won.
So today I’m wearing pants to take her to school.
A guy gets horny during his first week on a pirate ship…
So he goes up to the captain and asks "What do you guys use when you get horny?" The captain says: "There's a barrel over there with a hole in it; we use that". Guy: "Great when can I use it?" Captain: "You can use it any day of the week, except Tuesday". Guy: "Why not Tuesday?" The captain grinned and said: "Cause that's your day in the barrel."
I always hated the show Naked & Afraid
It reminds me of playing hide and seek with my uncle.