I saw a raccoon with a sewing machine, I asked my wife “Does that raccoon know how to sew?”
She said, "That's how it seams"
How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?
it's not hard…
Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?
Because then they'd be bagels.
What do an English teacher and a Coder have in common?
They're both pro-grammars
A girl and guy are laying in bed after sex
She turns to him and says, "Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian." He said: "That doesn't bother me any!" She responded: "That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine."
What do you call a magical bra?
An abracadabra.
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at childbirth before….
I replied, "Yes just once." The doctor asked, "What was it like?" I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.
I take that as a compliment.
r/coronavirus is officially the fastest-growing community on Reddit
It must be viral.
My boss fired me for cracking to many Asian jokes.
It ended my Korea.
Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement.
In the end you ignore it all and just click "I agree"
“Hey Watson, is that mud on our boots?”
“No, shit, Sherlock.”
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves…
So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?” The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
I served a hipster a pizza but he burned his mouth.
He ate it before it was cool. 🤦🏻♂️
I’ve heard so much about the “Eye Of The Tiger”, but how come no one talks about…
…the other four letters?
Think I might sell all my John Lennon memorabilia on ebay.
Imagine all the Paypal…
Keep an eye on the volleyball team at prom.
They might spike the punch.
A kid asks his mom, “how was I born?”
The mother replies. Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. We took the leaves and smoked them and then we were so high that we fucked without a condom. And that's how you were born.
Boomer uncle posts this on Facebook nice break from his usual Michelle is a man posts
https://ift.tt/2Eou8zy
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your Jeans.
What did the light house keeper do when he lost his job?
He became a maid, he was already accustomed to performing light house work.
A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building…
He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for?
Plastic Explosives
How come the Hulk doesn’t lose his pants when he transforms?
The scientific experiments altered his jeans
How long is a Chinese name.
It really is.
A LAWYER is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over.
The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much it’s going to cost him to get it fixed. The cop loses his patience and says, “You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!” The lawyer is incensed and says, “How dare you call me materialistic? Do you know what I earn an hour? You have no idea what kind of pressure I’m under!” The cop says, “Well, you’re so concerned about your beamer, you didn’t notice the truck took your arm off at the elbow.” The lawyer looks down and screams “Fuck! My rolex!”
A doctor says “The good news is it’s all in your head.”
"The bad news is it's brain cancer."
Whats the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation to the local swimming pool
I gave him a glass of water.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?” The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
Veteran retirement salary
3 US Veterans are sitting before their last medical check-up. The doctor walks out and says: we are going to take one measurement from your body and it will be your monthly payment for the retirement. all the veterans agree. The first says from my toes to my head, they take the measurement so doctor says okay its 6ft so we gonna pay you 6000$ a month The second puts his hand as high as he can, the doctor says okay its 6"2 so we gonna pay you 6200$ a month. The Third says I want it from the tip of my dick to my balls. the doctor confused says: Are you sure sir? 100 % he replies. take off his pants and the doctors starts and then asks, where are your balls sir ? he replies: they are In Vietnam son.
WIFE: [trying on new spectacles] How do I look?
ME: Through the glass bit
I named my horse Mayo,
and sometimes Mayo neighs.
Bullets are quite weird…
They only do their jobs after they are fired
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
…but his brother Frank was a monster.
The year is 1939, and the USSR is invading Finland.
The Soviet army is marching through the Finnish swamps when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill: "I bet one Finn can beat ten Soviets!" The Soviet officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of shooting they hear the voice again: "I bet one Finn can beat a hundred Soviets!" The officer, now enraged, sends a hundred soldiers to silence this cocky Finn. A few minutes of shooting and screaming later, the voice shouts again: "I bet one Finn can beat a thousand Soviets!" The officer is now absolutely furious with this enemy, but knows that nobody could possibly beat 1000 soldiers alone, so he accepts the challenge once more and sends 1000 of his men. Nearly 15 minutes of shooting, screaming, and bright flashes later, a lone Soviet soldier comes crawling back over the hill with severe burns, covered in blood and half of his leg mangled. Panicked, he yells to his comrades: "Don't go up there! It's a trap! There are actually two of them!"
The amount of bad coronavirus jokes is starting to reach worrying numbers.
Some scientists claim it might become a pundemic.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a beautiful blonde, and a comely brunette
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a beautiful blonde, and a comely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel. As the compartment is plunged into complete darkness for the Nth time a ringing slap is heard. The train passes back into daylight and the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.' The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and slapped the beast.' The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.' The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'
What’s the difference between a constipated owl & a blind sniper?
One hoots but can’t shit, and one shoots but can’t hit