I told my friend that he really shouldn’t be using a straw and he replied, “Yeah, I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment.” I said, “Sure, there’s that…”
"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."
I approached a woman in a bar and seductively said, “Hi Darlin’, I’d love to get into your pants!”
She said, "No thanks, there's already an asshole in there."
Iโve never gone to a gun range before.
I decided to give it a shot.
Me: Sir, you canโt give me a ticket for speeding. I am planning to run a Marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
DJT: We need free speech on college campuses. For conservatives. Who wonโt boo me.
https://ift.tt/2K2Mtps
5YO: “Dad, I’m hungry AND DON’T SAY HI HUNGRY I’M DAD”
Me: "wow … that's a very long name, hungryAndDon'tSayHiHungryI'mDad"
I ordered a chicken and egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
Why can’t Ganondorf surf the web?
Cause there's too many Links
I like jokes about the eyes
The cornea the better
Customer: I have a question about the menu please.
Server: slaps customer THE MEN I PLEASE ARE NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
If An Anti-Vax Kid Had a Theme Song, What Would it Be?
The Final Countdown
NSFW: There’s a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.
Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunch break bell rings, Joe is really starving, completely forgets about Bruce and jumps back on the main scaffold without Joe as a counterweight, Bruce falls to his death on the street below. A Frenchman, an Italian and an Australian are together eating in a restaurant. Suddenly the Frenchman sits up and says "Frenchmen love women the most!" Of course the Italian disagrees "No, Italian men love women the most. Why just the other day I took my girlfriend out to the best restaurant, then I took her to a sold-out show and then we went to the best hotel in town. Where we made love all night long. I'd been working overtime and planning this for over a year". The Frenchman says "That's nothing, I took my girl to the most exclusive bar in town, where we drunk the best Champagne. I then took her for a carriage ride along the Montmartre and then to the finest restaurant in Paris, where we ate oysters and foie gras, salmon and beluga caviar. I then took her to the finest hotel in Paris and we made love for two days and two nights". The Australian then pipes up "Nah, you guys aren't even close. Australian men are the most crazy about women." At this, both the Frenchmen and the Italian both wear wry and sarcastic expressions. Before they can say anything, he holds up his hand, and the Australian says "Just hear me out, a year ago this drop dead gorgeous brunnette is walking down the street in a really skimpy outfit, mini skirt and all. The next thing that me and my friends see, is this builder jumps off the top of this tall building, with his cock in his hand and he's screaming out:" "Cuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnt!"
I was having sex with my friend’s wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me…
What did Delaware?
Maybe a New Jersey? I don't know, but Alaska.
Teach a man a joke, and he will laugh for a day
Teach a redditor a joke, and they will repost it for a lifetime.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, โWait! Iโm a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, โAnd you will dialogue!"
My girlfriend refuses to use the sauna alone.
Self-steam issues.
This week Iโm hosting a charity event for men who canโt ejaculate.
If you canโt come let me know.
I was caught by a gang of mimes.
They performed unspeakable acts on me…
I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video…
He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.
A few minutes ago, I came to the conclusion that tofu is overrated.
Itโs just a curd to me.
What do you call the bad side of Italy?
The spaghetto
Why does Santa fear getting stuck in a chimney?
Because heโs Claustrophobic.
I once had sex with a girl in an apple orchard
I then came in cider.
I asked my mum, “How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.
My girlfriend was being very suspicious so I followed her, and now I have a huge problem
I need some advice guys. Recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work. I called her boss, and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. So yesterday when she said she was going for a team building meeting, I followed her on my motorbike after two blocks a guy stopped his car hugged her and opened his car door for her. I was watching all that from a distance so they wouldn't see me. When they finally drove off I tried to start my bike to follow them but it couldn't start. What could the problem be guys? The clutch ? Engine? Petrol? Plug? I'm so worried about my bike. Got banned from r/relationship_advice for this so thought I might as well post it here lmao
Why do North Koreans hate jazz music?
They don't have Seoul.
โHow much to buy a singing ensemble!?โ I asked the clerk. Puzzled, he questioned, “You mean a choir?”
โFine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble!?โ
We all know the show was called Spongebob Squarepants
But the star was Patrick