Pretty solid pun
The first woman teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then administered a tender and skillful massage for several long moments and softly asked 'How does that feel'? Feels wonderful, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.
and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
I was shocked
If you can’t come, let me know
A woman fell pregnant to a horrible, violent man. She decided to leave him and raise the baby on her own, rather than have it turn out like its father, and so she moved far away and settled in for 9 months. She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told her to sit down for an hour a day and teach her stomach manners, to prep him or her before the baby is even born. So every day for the next 9 months, the woman would sit quietly and tell her belly "Be nice to other people, always put others first, and always say please, and thank-you." She never missed a day in 9 months, and the due date came and went, no baby! The woman continued to wait for her newborn, and continued to teach her belly manners and politeness every day, but as days, weeks, months and years passed, the baby never came! Finally, 65 years later when the woman finally passed away in her sleep, the doctors performed an autopsy on her body. They cut open her belly and found 2 little old men with big long white beards, continually saying to each other: "You go first!" "No, you go first!"
She was a mathemachicken.
He let out a little wine
If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction
Remove the p
…probably explains why her marriage collapsed
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door. That way we won’t get paint on our clothes and can move more freely to get the job done faster. So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t*ts. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
Then I had an OH moment.
Father: "Well son, before sex it's a delicate little thing. Almost like a tulip that hasn't fully bloomed". Boy: "What about after sex?" Father: "You ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
He uses them to trim his mustache.
One shoots but can't hit. The other hoots but can't shit
Wife: whatever means necessary. Me: No it doesn't.
He felt his presents.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
The bartender asks, “How did you do that?”.
Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.
"Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'once upon a time'"? The dad responds, saying "No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected, I promise…'"