Pretty weird
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom…
….First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
In order to improve higher education…
We must build taller schools
What did Batman tell Robin before getting in the car?
Robin get in the car
Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are talking. Harry says, “Ron, I’m gay.”
"Are you fucking serious?!" asks Ron. "Yeah…that too," says Harry.
Why was Trump unable to hang himself?
It was fake noose
“Dad, can you do my math homework for me?” “No son, it wouldn’t be right.”
"Well, at least you could try."
i think i’m part of the demographic that made yellow paint a thing
i think i’m part of the demographic that made yellow paint a thing
My wife told me that I have a dad bod
I disagree. I clearly have a father figure
I regret not commenting enough in my early years of CS, it’s just a habit of mine now
https://ift.tt/3aw0QNJ
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming…that was me."
As a spanish speaking dude I really appreciate when people approach me and say “mucho”.
It means a lot to me.
Her: You got a vasectomy without telling anyone! Are you kidding me?
Me: Technically I can’t.
I use to be addicted to tide pods.
But I'm clean now.
Where do sasquatches live?
Sasquatchewan!
I watched a great documentary on beavers this weekend.
Best dam thing I’ve watched in a while.
My friend asked if I wanted to play Yahtzee.
I said "no dice."
can you do it on the end?
can you do it on the end?
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
My fiancé thinks I have an unhealthy obsession with assassins creed
and if I wear my robes to the wedding she’ll leave me at the Altaïr
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
Sperm donors wanted
Please come quickly.
Trumpets and Guns
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?
A polar bear
Why do pirates love Reddit?
It's the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
How do you get your wife to notice you?
Sit on a couch and look comfortable.
Yesterday I ate a clock
It was very time consuming, especially when i went back for seconds
What happens when you slip a chicken a dollar?
Chicken strips.
My wife claims a man in camouflage is sexy
I just don't see it myself
Can a ninja throw stars?
Shurikan
Patches of land are the only thing I find upsetting
it takes a lot to offend me
Why did the ‘A’ go into the bathroom and come out an ‘E’?
He had a vowel movement.
I can’t believe the NASA/SpaceX Astronauts…
Don't you think they are taking "Social Distancing" a bit too seriously?
Trump’s gonna build the wall out of…
Hillary's emails. Nobody can get over those fuckin' things apparently
I used to get heartburn whenever I ate birthday cake…
… until the doctor told me to take the candles off first! Happy cake day to meeeeee!
An OverweightTime Traveler goes to ancient rome
An Overweight Time Traveler goes to ancient rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks the clerk: Time traveler: Do you have XL togas? Clerk: Well, yes. But why do you need so many?
My wife is really mad that I don’t have a sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right!
A man walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing
"What are you doing?" He asked. "I'm off to New York," she replies. "I hear prostitutes get paid $400 doing what I do to you for free." The husband begins packing his bags. "What are you doing?" asked the wife. "I'm coming with you," he said. "I wanna see how you live off $800 a year."
A daughter accidentally sees her mother getting out of the shower…
The girl points at the mom’s pubic hair and says “Mommy, what’s that?” The mom, not knowing how to respond, replies “Uh, it’s my washcloth”. The daughter accepts this answer and runs off to play. About two weeks later, the mother finds herself in the same precarious situation. “Mommy! Where did your washcloth go?” the girl says in shock. “I lost it, honey” replies the mom. “Ok!” The daughter says as she darts off. Later that night as the mother is on the couch reading a book the daughter runs in, excited, “Mommy!! Mommy!! I found your washcloth!” “You did?! Where was it??” “The maid has it!” the daughter shouted “And she’s washing daddy’s face with it!”