Principal: Sorry to call you in, but your son set the school on fire.
Principal: Yes, your son.
Male Female IMAGINATION
would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
does that make you an iWitness?
It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me
It's white and settles on their land
I was speechless.
No text found
I gave him a glass of water.
Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.
I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith
The man gruffly replies "no i think im fully capable of finding my own tux!" Associate says "fine. Suit yourself."
Instant karma. Saluting this Judge who threw a drunk driver’s mom in jail for laughing at victim’s family in court
My grandfather keeps telling us that when he dies, we should try to convert his ashes into a diamond.
That’s a lot of pressure.
She looked surprised…
Well I've got two night stands and a double bed
Because she was stuffed.
I've heard nothing since.
Kid: I’m going to be frank with you, bu- and if you say “Hi Frank, I’m Dad!” I’m gonna be super pissed!
A test group of 100 male volunteers each consumed six pints of beer, and the effect was that they all talked endlessly about nothing and couldn't drive for shit.
Immediately when I got medication for schizophrenia, my friends won't talk to me anymore.
During the first night, the gay man goes to the programmer and tells him they should kill the woman so he could have a normal sex life. The second night, the woman goes to the programmer and tells him they should kill the gay man so she could have a normal sex life. The third night, the programmer kills both the woman and the man so he could have normal sex life.
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off." When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk. "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?" "I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
He doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation.
A happy, hollow ween!
At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made. The man: Well, Charley? Charley lifts his paw. The man: Charley, come on, say something. Charley barks once. The man: Charley, what is it, now? Say something in English. Charley clearly doesn't understand what the man wants from him and is getting visibly nervous. Finally the man has to give up, pays the lost money, and leaves with Charley. After walking a few blocks in the rain the man asks sadly: "Why did you do that?" "Just imagine how much we're going to win there tomorrow."
My wife is 37 weeks pregnant and is scheduled to be induced this morning. She woke up last night just after midnight (I checked) to use the washroom and when she got back into bed I asked her if it was after 12 yet. She said she thought so and asked why. I told her I wanted to be the first to wish her a Happy Birth Day! She appropriately groaned then giggled, so I think I'm ready. Wish me luck!
He was just winging it
He even laughs sometimes.
Because seven was a well known six offender
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."
What’s the worst about time travel jokes?
Their front page is made of 100% recycled material.
He didn't. He used the sidewalk.
Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought it was.
Because it scares the shit out of their dogs.
When the rubbed it the genie came out and stated the rules. Genie: You cannot wish for more wishes, immortality, or love. Man: I wish to not die a virgin Genie: I just said no wishing for immortality