Principal: Sorry to call you in, but your son set the school on fire.
Parents: Arson?
Principal: Yes, your son.
There are 3 genders
Male Female IMAGINATION
If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex,
would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store.
does that make you an iWitness?
I was sexually active at 12
It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me
Why don’t Native Americans like snow?
It's white and settles on their land
At his wedding, my buddy called me the worst best man he has ever seen.
I was speechless.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: "Efficient."
Is it just me or is 21 pilots 19 more than they need?
No text found
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation to the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married.
I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith
Man walks into a tuxedo shop and the associate says “do you need any help?”
The man gruffly replies "no i think im fully capable of finding my own tux!" Associate says "fine. Suit yourself."
Instant karma. Saluting this Judge who threw a drunk driver’s mom in jail for laughing at victim’s family in court
https://youtu.be/zkcAPgm42-c
My grandfather keeps telling us that when he dies, we should try to convert his ashes into a diamond.
That’s a lot of pressure.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high….
She looked surprised…
Just heard someone bragging about their one night stand
Well I've got two night stands and a double bed
Why did the teddy bear say “no” to dessert?
Because she was stuffed.
3 weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair
I've heard nothing since.
Kid: I’m going to be frank with you, bu- and if you say “Hi Frank, I’m Dad!” I’m gonna be super pissed!
Okay, gonnabesuperpissed.
A recent study has found that beer contains female hormones.
A test group of 100 male volunteers each consumed six pints of beer, and the effect was that they all talked endlessly about nothing and couldn't drive for shit.
I hate the stigma around mental health
Immediately when I got medication for schizophrenia, my friends won't talk to me anymore.
A gay man, a straight woman and a programmer are stranded on a deserted island.
During the first night, the gay man goes to the programmer and tells him they should kill the woman so he could have a normal sex life. The second night, the woman goes to the programmer and tells him they should kill the gay man so she could have a normal sex life. The third night, the programmer kills both the woman and the man so he could have normal sex life.
I said to my boss the other day, “I need to leave early today, I’m going to be a father!”
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off." When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk. "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?" "I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
My son cheated on his physics test, and has no idea how much trouble he is in.
He doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation.
What do you get if you masturbate today?
A happy, hollow ween!
A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk.
At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made. The man: Well, Charley? Charley lifts his paw. The man: Charley, come on, say something. Charley barks once. The man: Charley, what is it, now? Say something in English. Charley clearly doesn't understand what the man wants from him and is getting visibly nervous. Finally the man has to give up, pays the lost money, and leaves with Charley. After walking a few blocks in the rain the man asks sadly: "Why did you do that?" "Just imagine how much we're going to win there tomorrow."
I’m on my way
My wife is 37 weeks pregnant and is scheduled to be induced this morning. She woke up last night just after midnight (I checked) to use the washroom and when she got back into bed I asked her if it was after 12 yet. She said she thought so and asked why. I told her I wanted to be the first to wish her a Happy Birth Day! She appropriately groaned then giggled, so I think I'm ready. Wish me luck!
I was once in an airplane when I realized the pilot didn’t pass any proper training
He was just winging it
Do you know I tell dad jokes?
He even laughs sometimes.
Why was six afraid of seven
Because seven was a well known six offender
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."
The punchline comes first
What’s the worst about time travel jokes?
Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment.
Their front page is made of 100% recycled material.
Why did the crab cross the road?
He didn't. He used the sidewalk.
My neighbor just got arrested for growing weed in his back yard.
Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought it was.
Why do blind people hate skydiving?
Because it scares the shit out of their dogs.
A man found a genie lamp
When the rubbed it the genie came out and stated the rules. Genie: You cannot wish for more wishes, immortality, or love. Man: I wish to not die a virgin Genie: I just said no wishing for immortality
