Priorities.
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows trend?
I hear it’s making real headlines.
Why do chicken coops have two doors
If they had four they would be chicken sedans
To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you.
I have contacts.
Super Bowl Halftime
At halftime it's Maroon 5 Patriots 3 Rams 0
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
He got a Nobel prize.
Condom expiration dates are a little misleading
because I get sick no matter when I eat them.
I was going to type down a cashier joke
But I didn’t think that would make any cents
Me: “Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!!”
Judge: "Repeat infractions?" Me: "Ok, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!"
Today I went to a support group for premature ejaculation.
Turns out they meet tomorrow.
CAN ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!
WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT CAUSE ITS SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.
What did they say about the couple who had the same shoe size?
They were sole mates
At midnight it will officially be Ramones time.
2020, 24 hours to go…
“I made a pencil with two erasers.”
"It was pointless."
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's fine, he woke up.
The Three Monks
Once upon a time, there were three monks who decided to leave the monastery and open a flower shop where they could sell flowers and exotic plants. They moved into a very small town and were doing quite the good business until one day, they got in an exotic man-eating plant. The monks were quite excited about the new arrival and told all of the townspeople to come see it! Unfortunately, it wasn't long before the plant ate one of the townsfolk. Now, this was a small town, remember, and it was now getting smaller all the time so, the mayor called a meeting at the small old town hall. Once the few residents has gathered, he asked them what they thought they should do about the monks and their man-eating plant. The town's only police officer stood up and declared "I'm the law in these parts, I'll run them out!" This was met with approval by one and all. So, the police officer goes to the flower shop and, tells the monks "get out of town and take your man-eating plant with you!' The monks are rather shocked by this and ask the officer if he has even seen the offending plant in order to get the evidence he needed to run them off. He of course hadn't so, he goes in to see the plant, and wouldn't you know it, he gets to close and it eats him! Now, this was a small town, remember, and it was now getting smaller all the time. They did not even have a police officer now! So, the mayor called a meeting at the small old town hall. Once the few remaining residents has gathered, he asked them what they thought they should do about the monks and their man-eating plant. The town's only fire fighter stood up and declared "I'll chop down that plant with my trusty ax!" This was met with approval by one and all. And so, the fireman goes to the shop to run the monks out of town, he is met by the bewildered monks at the door of the shop. "get out of my way monks!" he cries, "I'm here to take care of that pesky plant of yours!". Frightened by this burly man wielding an ax, the monks quickly retreat. The fireman charges into the room, trips over a loose board and falls right into the mouth of the man eating plant! Now, this was a small town, remember, and it was now getting smaller all the time. They did not even have a police officer or a fire fighter now! So, the mayor called a meeting at the small old town hall. Once the few remaining residents has gathered, he asked them what they thought they should do about the monks and their man-eating plant. A little elderly woman near the back stands up and meekly says, "My nephew Hugh can stop them!" There is great commotion in response to this but, the people finally agree that this is as good of a plan as any, "not like we have anyone else, right?" And so, Hugh, goes down to the flower shop and demands that the monks leave town immediately and that they take their man-eating plant with them. And wouldn't you know it, those monks took off faster than you could blink! The moral of this story, Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.
My lesbian neighbours bought me a Rolex for my birthday.
It's a really nice gift, but it's not quite what I meant when I said "I wanna watch"
What do you call a company that replants fields of grass using cropduster airplanes?
A re-seeding airline…
2, 4 and 6 tried to defeat 3, 5 and 7
But the odds were against them
I didn’t eat anything other than brown bread for dinner…
That was my wholemeal…
What’s the difference between a jeweler and a prison guard?
one watches cells and one sells watches
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for the check. Duck billed Platypus.
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.
“How are you mate?” “Yeah, I’m okay. But do me a favor mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.” I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21-year-old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond “Get away with ya… Prove it.” I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?” He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?”
People say circumcision doesn’t hurt, but i have to disagree.
I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for nearly a year. So check your facts.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today…
But it was a Risk I was willing to take
ANNOUNCEMENT: r/boomershumor cleanup and return to the golden era
This sub has gone from great to bad in just months. The majority of the top posts were rule-breaking reposts from r/terriblefacebookmemes and r/wholesomememes. Many long-term members have been rightfully complaining.I am happy to announce that r/boomershumor will be returning to its roots: a place for shitty boomer comics.Here’s what that means:Rules will be enforced again and new mods will be recruited in the coming weeks.Old posts that broke the rules are being removed — a clean standard needs to be set for new members.Wholesome comics are not allowed.Meta threads and OC boomer comics are now officially allowed for the time being and have their own flair.Reminder of the rules and examples of what doesn’t belong:Rule 1: Baby boomer humor only. Terrible comics that younger people could find funny don’t belong here. Try r/ComedyCemetery.Rule 2: Must be comic styled. Example of what doesn’t belong. Shitty boomer memes can be posted to r/terriblefacebookmemes.Rule 3: No wholesome comics or sanity edits. Example. You can find wholesome comics on r/wholesomememes and sanity edits on various other subs.Additional Changes:Post flairs have been added. Please recommend additional flairs in the comments.Users flairs have been added. You can select your generation and out yourself as a boomer.When reporting posts, you can now select which rule. Thank you for taking the time to report.Please post any feedback, questions, comments, and complaints about your wife in the comments below.
My wife and I had no idea what happiness meant until we had kids.
But by then, it was too late.
My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to get married.
So I said "Sure" She asked "When?" "When I meet the right person"
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint. Credit: my dad
Courtesy of my 11 yr old: why don’t you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she will just let it go.
People think a runny nose is funny.
But, it’s snot
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance…
We’ll see about that…
Can a ninja throw stars?
Shurikan
Three Logicians Walk Into a Bar
The Bartender asks, "would everybody like a drink?" The first logician says "I don't know." The second logician says "I don't know." The third logician says "Yes."
I gently slid her panties to the side …
so that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer
I saw a guy this morning injecting himself with brake fluid. Stunned, I asked him if he had lost his mind?!
He looked at me and said – It’s ok. I can stop anytime