Priorities
What did the big traffic light say to the little traffic light?
Don’t look while I’m changing!
Been a dad 5 mo, so I’m a little new to this… Hit my wife with this one tonight at dinner.
Me: Dinner is served as soon as you dress the salad. Wife: What are you thinking? Me: Business casual.
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint.
I taught my daughter what bargain meant.
She said: "Thanks dad, that means a great deal."
I’m best friend’s with 25 letters of the alphabet
I don't know why
I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.
She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had. I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.
So I’ve been asking what LGBTQ is,
But nobody will give me a straight answer.
FUN FACT: if you fart and sneeze at the same time
Your body takes a screenshot
Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I had a bunch of books fall on me
I only have my shelf to blame.
What do you call a ginger kid who’s good at martial arts?
The Carroty Kid
I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon. “Well…” he said. “It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn’t decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it.”
"And he won?" I asked. "Well, no." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder. The bastard!"
I’ve been diagnosed with the fear of giants…
…feefiphobia
Me running my code again without changing anything expecting it to suddenly compile
https://ift.tt/3bpzR73
How can you scare people with your impression of an elephant?
Turn both of your pants pockets inside out, and say, “hey, you ever seen my impression of an elephant?” while reaching for your zipper.
My wife left me because I’m too insecure…
No wait, she's back She just went make a cup of coffee..
NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: Show us proof you voted yesterday, and we’ll give you a cool flair! :)
Continuation of this thread, which focuses on the NH Primary.We are planning on expanding the flair program to primary voters in all 50 states. If you have any ideas for perks or extras we can throw in, please let us know via modmail. Right now, only voters from states who’s primaries have either occurred or will occur soon can request flairs.Iowa caucus goers are also encouraged to use the same form to submit their late request. Later states will be given the chance to submit their requests once their primaries or caucuses have occurred.NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU VOTED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
I don’t usually tell dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs.
How do you make any boat a hat?
You flip it over and it becomes capsized.
Horny Husband
With his wife now eight months pregnant, a man was severely horny. She recognized what he was going through and empathized enough to hand him a fifty-dollar bill. "Honey, you're so depressed. Take this money to the woman next door and she'll sleep with you. But remember: tonight only, okay? Never again!" He couldn't believe his ears but, afraid she might change her mind, grabbed the money and ran, but within five minutes was back, totally disappointed. "She says fifty isn't enough. She wants hundred!" His wife was mad, Why that bitch! When she was pregnant and her husband came over here, I only charged him fifty!
I phoned the Child Abuse Hotline.
A kid answered, called me a cunt then hung up.
A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.
He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her. "How much for a hand-job?" "5,000$" she replies. "5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way." "Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. "You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me 5,000$ for hand jobs." He ponders for a moment. "Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright." He brings her back to his hotel room. Gets the hand job, and as advertised; it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. "Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?" "15,000$" she replies. "15,000$?!? You are out of your mind. No way!" He shouts "Come to the window." They walk to the window and she begins to point. "You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me 15,000$ for blow jobs." "Fine, how can i say no?" Once again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. "Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?" "Come to the window." He follows her to the window, ready for anything. "Do you see all of Las Vegas?" She asks. "No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!" He exclaims, astounded. "No.." she looks down. " But I would if I had a pussy…"
Somebody stole my microsoft office and they’re going to pay
You have my word
When I get naked in the bathroom
the shower usually gets turned on.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked
Welcome to invisibility class.
I’m pretty disappointed to see so many of you.
What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind!
What’s the difference between a fish, a piano, and a stick of glue?
You can’t tuna fish! “What about the glue?” I knew you’d get stuck on that!
What kind of bees give milk?
Boo-Bees!
A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender “how much?”
The bartender replies "For you? No charge."
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with massive boobs?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
I asked my wife to dress up as my favorite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun.
I walked into the bedroom, and I was shocked! "Honey, Jabba the Hut is not my favorite Star Wars character" I said. "Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed you asshole!"
I walked into a bookstore and asked an employee “Do you have any books by Shakespeare?”
Employee: Of course sir. Which one? Me: William.
Just mentioned to the missus that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé. “Whatever floats your boat.” she said.
“No.” I said. “That’s buoyancy.”
What do you call a mute bodyguard?
A silent knight.
There was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”
Seemed like a good investment to me so | gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: “There is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?" Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?” Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?” Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: “I don't know? A lot?” Homeless man: “Well, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy?”
When 3 people have sex, it’s a threesome. When 2 people have sex, it’s a twosome.
Now I understand why they call you handsome
Will glass coffins become popular?
Remains to be seen
Why is Kim Jong Un so cruel?
Because he doesn't have a Seoul.