My wife just called me and said, “Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They’re absolutely gorgeous!”
I replied, "That's probably why they got flowers then…"
From a third world country and at a reasonable price.
Alexa: "Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer."
Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health. From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan’s side. It even learned to dig for clams.
One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week. His wife answered the door. "Sure…" his wife said. "It will cost you $500." "That much?" "But you're getting my husband and his otter. They bring up more clams than anyone else in town." "I just want Juan. I'll hire him alone for $350." the man countered. "Sorry…" she shrugged. "You can't have Juan without the otter."
You can hide, but you can’t run.
They rub it, and a genie appears. "I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces. The first dinosaur thinks hard. "Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat." Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder. "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!" Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him. The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs. "I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"
A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.
He described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers" Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man." "No," he replied, "I'm just a shit golfer.
My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight, and told me, “Can you imagine being that strong?”
So I picked up the leaf and said, “Yes.”
Because it’s hard to Finnish a sentence
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him “The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren’t working”.
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
No text found
I have recently been diagnosed with color blindness. It really came out of the purple. Don’t hurt me.
A broken drum… you can’t beat it
What a weird way to start a conversation
That would be admitting that 2021
Smiles. Because there is a mile between the S's. Have to give credit to my ten year old daughter for this one… Apparently I'm bringing her up right.
I told her it was an ovary action.
It only takes one nail to get the picture of Jesus up and hanging
When it becomes fully groan.
All that was left was de Brie.
"What happened?" The father asks. "Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.'' The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?" "Not yet." "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also." "Why?" asks the father. "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on…. my cock??'" "Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come." The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet." "Don't bother, I got expelled." Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?" "Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher." "The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father. "That's what I said!"
him: Knock knock me: Who's there? him: A snail me: a snail who? him: a snail you threw out of the window two weeks ago asking why
The next diaper change could spell disaster.
“Yep, she got the house”
Nothing they're fine