Priorities
My wife just called me and said, “Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They’re absolutely gorgeous!”
I replied, "That's probably why they got flowers then…"
I like my women like I like my coffee.
From a third world country and at a reasonable price.
Jeff Bezos: “Alexa, send nudes to my secret admirer.”
Alexa: "Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer."
Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health. From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan’s side. It even learned to dig for clams.
One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week. His wife answered the door. "Sure…" his wife said. "It will cost you $500." "That much?" "But you're getting my husband and his otter. They bring up more clams than anyone else in town." "I just want Juan. I'll hire him alone for $350." the man countered. "Sorry…" she shrugged. "You can't have Juan without the otter."
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camo jacket
You can hide, but you can’t run.
Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it, and a genie appears. "I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces. The first dinosaur thinks hard. "Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat." Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder. "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!" Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him. The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs. "I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"
They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but…
A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level.
He described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers" Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man." "No," he replied, "I'm just a shit golfer.
My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight, and told me, “Can you imagine being that strong?”
So I picked up the leaf and said, “Yes.”
Why don’t people talk much in Finland?
Because it’s hard to Finnish a sentence
Well we obviously can’t trust the word of a corrupt person that someone is corrupt
https://ift.tt/2OEEC3Z
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him “The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren’t working”.
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
I was born at a very young age.
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Color Blind
I have recently been diagnosed with color blindness. It really came out of the purple. Don’t hurt me.
What’s the best Christmas present you could possibly get?
A broken drum… you can’t beat it
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!”
What a weird way to start a conversation
We cannot allow this year to end
That would be admitting that 2021
What’s the longest word in the dictionary?
Smiles. Because there is a mile between the S's. Have to give credit to my ten year old daughter for this one… Apparently I'm bringing her up right.
My daughter got scared when she had her first period
I told her it was an ovary action.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to get the picture of Jesus up and hanging
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
Did you hear about the cheese factory explosion in France?
All that was left was de Brie.
A young boy says to his father “Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you.”
"What happened?" The father asks. "Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.'' The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?" "Not yet." "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also." "Why?" asks the father. "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on…. my cock??'" "Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come." The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet." "Don't bother, I got expelled." Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?" "Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher." "The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father. "That's what I said!"
It’s a conversation between me and my 6 y o cousin…Sorry if it is not funny enough for you
him: Knock knock me: Who's there? him: A snail me: a snail who? him: a snail you threw out of the window two weeks ago asking why
My baby just swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
The next diaper change could spell disaster.
Are slugs just snails that have gone through a divorce?
“Yep, she got the house”
What does every woman in the world want?
Nothing they're fine