I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago….
…since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Why can’t you email a photo to a jedi?
Because attachments are forbidden
RIP boiling water. You will be mist :(
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I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for getting a pure bread dog.
A man’s wife accuses him of “testiculating”
"What the hell is testiculating?" the man asks. Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!" The man considers this for a moment. "Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?" "Yes," his wife answers. "Why?" The man nods. "I thought so. You're ovaryacting."
Last night I was out for a few drinks.
One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyzer tests. Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.
You hear a cancer joke and it makes you laugh…
… until you get it.
A Schrรถdinger’s cat walks into a bar …
and it doesn't.
I want to hear 99 people sing ‘Africa’ by Toto.
It's something that a hundred men or more could never do…
Why was the restaurant so slow?
The servers were down.
What did the authorities do when Barbie’s boyfriend was involved in a serious car accident?
They contacted his next of Ken. That's a damn good joke. I'm proud of that joke.
Two Dragons walk into a bar
Dragon 1: It's hot in here Dragon 2: Shut your mouth
I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe
I don't care how big a spider is, nobody steals my fucking shoe.
6 life lessons
6 life lessons Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, โIโll give you $800 to drop that towel.โ After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,โฆ โWho was that?โ โIt was Bob the next door neighbour,โ she replies. โGreat!โ the husband says, โDid he say anything about the $800 he owes me?โ Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. Lesson 2: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, โIโll give each of you just one wishโ โMe first! Me first!โ says the administration clerk. โI want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.โ Poof! Sheโs gone. โMe next! Me next!โ says the sales rep. โI want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.โ Poof! Heโs gone. โOK, youโre up,โ the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, โI want those two back in the office after lunch.โ Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say Lesson 3: A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,โFather, remember Psalm 129?โ The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, โFather, remember Psalm 129?โ The priest apologized โSorry sister but the flesh is weak.โ Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, โGo forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.โ Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity Lesson 4 A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, โCan I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?โ The crow answered: โSure, why not.โ So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up Lesson 5: Power of Charisma A turkey was chatting with a bull โI would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,โ sighed the turkey, but I havenโt got the energy.โ โWell, why donโt you nibble on my droppings?โ replied the bull. โTheyโre packed with nutrients.โ The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there Lesson 6 A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Moral of the story: Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend And when youโre in deep shit, itโs best to keep your mouth shut!
Cop: Sit on that chair,so we can interrogate you.
Lawyer : (whispering) Deny everything. Me : This isn't a chair.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
On Father’s Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
I was never good at telling dad jokes
Probably because he was never around
What do you call a black man with a bullet wound?
An ambulance. You call him an ambulance.
What is the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while.
Do you know why cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
College girl visits the doctor for an exam…
Doctor: "Take off your blouse and bra." So the girl complies and there is imprint of a T on her chest. Doctor says: "What caused this?" Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to Texas University and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love." Doctor: "Ok you're finished, send in the next girl" Next girl comes in and the doctor says the same "Take off your blouse and bra" Sure enough there is an imprint of a U on her chest. Doctor says "What caused this?" Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to the University of Utah and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love" Doctor: "Sounds about right, ok you're done send in the next girl" Girl comes in and removes her blouse and bra. This time there is an imprint of a M on her chest. Doctor says: "Let me guess, your boyfriend goes to the University of Michigan right?" Girl: "No doctor, but I have a girlfriend that goes to the University of Wisconsin."
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
I used to really enjoy political jokesโฆ
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected…
Do you know why Jesus loves Donuts?
Because theyre not self-centered.
I was explaining to my son how a baton is used in relay races, and he understood right away.
I gotta hand it to him.
Why is it hard to wake up in Athens?
Dawn is tough on Greece.
What did the necrophiliac get after his wife died?
Mourning wood.
My grandfather told me that he saw the Titanic. He warned everyone that it would sink but nobody would listen.
He told people a few more times and then he was kicked out of the cinema.
I took my mom to the computer hardware repair store.
It didn't take much time to make my mother bored.
My Dad really wanted me to make paper planes with him
Eventually I folded
Sausage jokes. They’re the wurst, aren’t they?
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My marriage is like a fairytale
A witch is waiting for me at home