Priorities

https://ift.tt/3fONgIQ

devopsjokeslinuxprogrammingserversresysadmintechwindows
My little sister got me good

My little sister got me good

Bitch better have my money when I come to collect

Bitch better have my money when I come to collect

https://ift.tt/2Vrezzg

I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago….

…since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

Why can’t you email a photo to a jedi?

Because attachments are forbidden

And probably stuffed with bread crumbs

And probably stuffed with bread crumbs

https://ift.tt/2WHqlGf

Please, I really need some Karma so I can post. Thank you; also enjoy this picture of this man walking his crab.

Please, I really need some Karma so I can post. Thank you; also enjoy this picture of this man walking his crab.

https://ift.tt/2TbEZnQ

Interview question employers should be prepared to answer

Interview question employers should be prepared to answer

https://ift.tt/2xeGERW

RIP boiling water. You will be mist :(

No text found

I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.

I guess that's what I get for getting a pure bread dog.

Phones bad

Phones bad

https://ift.tt/39x9hbs

*like*

*like*

https://ift.tt/2Y6ju9J

Things we do to see that green light

Things we do to see that green light

https://ift.tt/2J4hA34

A man’s wife accuses him of “testiculating”

"What the hell is testiculating?" the man asks. Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!" The man considers this for a moment. "Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?" "Yes," his wife answers. "Why?" The man nods. "I thought so. You're ovaryacting."

Nasty question, Kevin

Nasty question, Kevin

https://ift.tt/2U0AVag

omg haha so funny

omg haha so funny

Last night I was out for a few drinks.

One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyzer tests. Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.

Jontron seems to be a trend with these posts.

Jontron seems to be a trend with these posts.

You hear a cancer joke and it makes you laugh…

… until you get it.

A Schrรถdinger’s cat walks into a bar …

and it doesn't.

It’s not always easy, yk.

It’s not always easy, yk.

https://ift.tt/3hjVJUP

I want to hear 99 people sing ‘Africa’ by Toto.

It's something that a hundred men or more could never do…

Seen this gem in Sandestin Fl last week.

Seen this gem in Sandestin Fl last week.

https://ift.tt/2YNcFei

Why was the restaurant so slow?

The servers were down.

They are both experts in their respective fields

They are both experts in their respective fields

https://ift.tt/3aopGPR

Grandma vs the big bad wolf

Grandma vs the big bad wolf

https://ift.tt/2yndYau

“Samurai”

“Samurai”

https://ift.tt/2BY0HDx

Not sure if my Hentai collection is right for this sub. Posting anyway.

Not sure if my Hentai collection is right for this sub. Posting anyway.

Works for MAGAs. Always.

Works for MAGAs. Always.

https://ift.tt/3aJLzsj

NEVER๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

NEVER๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

Too friendly

Too friendly

Hahah Get it? ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

Hahah Get it? ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

What did the authorities do when Barbie’s boyfriend was involved in a serious car accident?

They contacted his next of Ken. That's a damn good joke. I'm proud of that joke.

Two Dragons walk into a bar

Dragon 1: It's hot in here Dragon 2: Shut your mouth ​

So accurate๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚!

So accurate๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚!

Quality Facebook funny

Quality Facebook funny

https://ift.tt/2SyaIk9

Time is relative

Time is relative

https://ift.tt/2GF9FaV

Philadelphia is known for more than their cream cheese

Philadelphia is known for more than their cream cheese

https://ift.tt/2UDEHHO

I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe

I don't care how big a spider is, nobody steals my fucking shoe.

Typical iPhone pun

Typical iPhone pun

https://ift.tt/2SteGco

6 life lessons

6 life lessons Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, โ€œIโ€™ll give you $800 to drop that towel.โ€ After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,โ€ฆ โ€œWho was that?โ€ โ€œIt was Bob the next door neighbour,โ€ she replies. โ€œGreat!โ€ the husband says, โ€œDid he say anything about the $800 he owes me?โ€ Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. Lesson 2: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, โ€œIโ€™ll give each of you just one wishโ€ โ€œMe first! Me first!โ€ says the administration clerk. โ€œI want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.โ€ Poof! Sheโ€™s gone. โ€œMe next! Me next!โ€ says the sales rep. โ€œI want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.โ€ Poof! Heโ€™s gone. โ€œOK, youโ€™re up,โ€ the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, โ€œI want those two back in the office after lunch.โ€ Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say Lesson 3: A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,โ€Father, remember Psalm 129?โ€ The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, โ€œFather, remember Psalm 129?โ€ The priest apologized โ€œSorry sister but the flesh is weak.โ€ Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, โ€œGo forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.โ€ Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity Lesson 4 A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, โ€Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?โ€ The crow answered: โ€œSure, why not.โ€ So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up Lesson 5: Power of Charisma A turkey was chatting with a bull โ€œI would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,โ€ sighed the turkey, but I havenโ€™t got the energy.โ€ โ€œWell, why donโ€™t you nibble on my droppings?โ€ replied the bull. โ€œTheyโ€™re packed with nutrients.โ€ The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there Lesson 6 A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Moral of the story: Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend And when youโ€™re in deep shit, itโ€™s best to keep your mouth shut!

Cop: Sit on that chair,so we can interrogate you.

Lawyer : (whispering) Deny everything. Me : This isn't a chair.

HE FREAKING MEANS IT

HE FREAKING MEANS IT

๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ‘Œ

๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ‘Œ

https://ift.tt/3dXSTTX

Bruh

Bruh

This is even worse than red theme

This is even worse than red theme

https://ift.tt/3aX1Ny9

we need cole phelps

we need cole phelps

Oops

Oops

https://ift.tt/2TtdYh3

Bad Caption 100

Bad Caption 100

Found on r/instantkarma

Found on r/instantkarma

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints.

avocados number

avocados number

https://ift.tt/30L14in

On Father’s Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.

He said it was his pleasure.

๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ’€

๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ’€

he was the chosen one

he was the chosen one

What’s green and fuzzy and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

A pool table.

I was never good at telling dad jokes

Probably because he was never around

What do you call a black man with a bullet wound?

An ambulance. You call him an ambulance.

The programmer paradox..

The programmer paradox..

https://ift.tt/3aCXPM2

Oof Size Large

Oof Size Large

Why did you??๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

Why did you??๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

What is the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

One will see you later and the other will see you in a while.

Oof

Oof

https://ift.tt/39cmXYk

‘MURRICA!

‘MURRICA!

https://ift.tt/36LDxPg

โ€œHe tells it like it is.โ€

โ€œHe tells it like it is.โ€

https://ift.tt/2tPdLKt

Millennials bad

Millennials bad

https://ift.tt/2QPAjnO

US coast gard incompetent

US coast gard incompetent

https://ift.tt/2QP6dAp

This game rollin

This game rollin

https://ift.tt/2ME5AHI

Hand to Hand Combat

Hand to Hand Combat

This is probably true..

This is probably true..

https://ift.tt/3cn2qTP

idk how he came to this conclusion

idk how he came to this conclusion

Ain’t no snitch

Ain’t no snitch

Do you know why cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

College girl visits the doctor for an exam…

Doctor: "Take off your blouse and bra." So the girl complies and there is imprint of a T on her chest. Doctor says: "What caused this?" Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to Texas University and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love." Doctor: "Ok you're finished, send in the next girl" Next girl comes in and the doctor says the same "Take off your blouse and bra" Sure enough there is an imprint of a U on her chest. Doctor says "What caused this?" Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to the University of Utah and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love" Doctor: "Sounds about right, ok you're done send in the next girl" Girl comes in and removes her blouse and bra. This time there is an imprint of a M on her chest. Doctor says: "Let me guess, your boyfriend goes to the University of Michigan right?" Girl: "No doctor, but I have a girlfriend that goes to the University of Wisconsin."

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

Hope this isnโ€™t already here

Hope this isnโ€™t already here

https://ift.tt/2zoTBtx

Why theyโ€™re going to hell

Why theyโ€™re going to hell

I used to really enjoy political jokesโ€ฆ

Unfortunately, too many of them got elected…

from r/unpopularopinion for context

from r/unpopularopinion for context

Do you know why Jesus loves Donuts?

Because theyre not self-centered.

Here we go again..

Here we go again..

https://ift.tt/30UbjPn

I was explaining to my son how a baton is used in relay races, and he understood right away.

I gotta hand it to him.

Why is it hard to wake up in Athens?

Dawn is tough on Greece.

What did the necrophiliac get after his wife died?

Mourning wood.

ah yes, re-posting the same thing with a terrible meme caption makes it all okay

ah yes, re-posting the same thing with a terrible meme caption makes it all okay

boolean fact = true;

boolean fact = true;

https://ift.tt/2QVegeQ

Day 3 of Quarantine. I make memes now

Day 3 of Quarantine. I make memes now

https://ift.tt/2JcWKOH

Relevant

Relevant

https://ift.tt/2UcedwW

How do we know of theyโ€™re actually dead or just pretending?

How do we know of theyโ€™re actually dead or just pretending?

https://ift.tt/39wvJS8

My grandfather told me that he saw the Titanic. He warned everyone that it would sink but nobody would listen.

He told people a few more times and then he was kicked out of the cinema.

I took my mom to the computer hardware repair store.

It didn't take much time to make my mother bored.

Here we go again

Here we go again

https://ift.tt/2Vgz4OG

But why do you need the she’s got a point…

But why do you need the she’s got a point…

Shame on them

Shame on them

https://ift.tt/2INoRE4

My Dad really wanted me to make paper planes with him

Eventually I folded

Sausage jokes. They’re the wurst, aren’t they?

No text found

Equivalent circuit

Equivalent circuit

https://ift.tt/30dGULx

My marriage is like a fairytale

A witch is waiting for me at home

me_irl

me_irl

Now he’s an environmentalist

Now he’s an environmentalist

https://ift.tt/3aBwsSt

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