Priorities: Who needs drinking water without lead?
What do you call a child with a caffeine addiction?
A tea toddler
After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils; they dilate.
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross…
“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across. When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden. “Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole. Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers. “That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.” So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board. He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror. “Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?” Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”
What did the the dog do when he lost his tail?
He went to the retail store
My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after one gets a vasectomy?”
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.” After a twenty second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?”
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
Dad Jokes – Try not to LAUGH
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What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist
What did the lawyer wear to his next case?
His Law Suit.
Wandering around during meetings in homeoffice when you have nothing to contribute like
https://ift.tt/2UdXfi7
How warm is a baby just before their birth?
Womb temperature
Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?
You shouldn’t take medicine on an empty stomach.
How do you drown a hipster?
you throw him into the mainstream
How warm is a baby at birth?
Womb temperature.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
I really wish I knew who removed the jack from under the car I was working on.
The suspension is killing me.
I think my microscope has ADHD.
It refuses to focus.
Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?
He was too far out, man
People call me Mr. Compromise…
Wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it…
Why couldn’t Emperor Augustus attend the silent disco?
Because he was 2 BC.
I was so bored that I memorized 6 pages of a dictionary
I learned next to nothing
Peeing yourself in public is like being in Love
Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
The Mechanical engineer says: – "It's a broken starter". The Electrical engineer says: – "Dead battery". The Chemical engineer says: – "Impurities in the Gasoline" The IT engineer says: – "Hey guys, i have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".
A woman brought a very limp duck to Dr.Santa, a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the duck’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.” The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,” replied Dr.Santa. “How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.” The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a Labrador. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.” Dr.Santa turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $10, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”
What do you call an alligator in a vest
An investigator
I just found out that my cousin with a stuttering problem died in prison.
He didn’t even finish his sentence.
I just saw a guy selling beef from the top of a ladder…
The steaks couldn't be higher.
I was getting a prostate exam and it hurt like hell.
I asked “doc, could you take off your ring?” He said “that’s not my ring, that’s my watch.”
What is Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo
I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in.
She said, “You can’t do this to me!” I said, “I know… that’s why I’m doing it to her.”
Sumida Aquarium eels are forgetting what humans look like and hiding from workers
https://ift.tt/2VXoHBe
What do websites and people have in common?
They both use cookies to improve their performance
I was struggling to get my wife’s attention
So I simply sat down and looked comfortable, that did the trick
I broke up with my girlfriend because she screamed too much during sex
Sometimes I could hear it two blocks away
I wasn’t sure that Netflix would ever find success producing their own content. Then again…
Stranger Things have happened.
When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa…
The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad
Did you hear about the soldier who drank on the job?
He got tanked
A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar.
The priest orders a whisky sour, the rabbi orders a red wine, and all three of them died in agony and put those they were close to in critical condition because they couldn't just stay the fuck home.