Prison lel XD
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest of the letters were not-E.
It’s inappropriate to make a ‘dad joke’ if you’re not a dad.
It's a faux pa.
Technically, national anthems are just country music.
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I saw a lizard with angry red skin. It then turned orange! Then it turned yellow. Then green. Then blue. Then indigo, until it finally became a relaxing shade of violet.
Calmer, calmer, calmer, calmer, calmer chameleon.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, idiot.”
The Star Wars series is coming out with a female villain
She'll be able to use the force to raise and lower things. Her name will be Ella Vader
Knock knock. Who’s there? Dishes. Dishes who?
This is Sean Connery.
My son asked if I could tell him what a solar eclipse is
I said “No sun”
Guy walks into a bar
Lucky bastard
Cheap oil, no immigration and no school shootings.
Corona did what Trump promised
Internet Memes and Mental Health – A Study [16+]
This is a study looking into the effect of internet memes on the individual. Participants will be asked to answer a series of questionnaires. This should take no longer than 30 minutes. Further information can be found in the information sheet. https://chester.onlinesurveys.ac.uk/memes4dalolz
A farmer has 895 sheep.
Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up. So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding dogs- they seem very fit, but young and untrained. The shopkeeper asks the farmer if he wants any help. "Why yes," says the farmer. I need a team of sheepdogs to help round up my flock. I have a rather large number of sheep, you see, and I don't think any of these young pups would be up to the task of rounding up so many." The shopkeeper says, "I've got just the thing for you." and leads the farmer into a small back room, where a single sheepdog sits waiting. "Are you sure?" asks the farmer, "I have very many sheep and I don't think one dog will be able to round all of them up.". "I'm sure." says the shopkeeper, "This is a very intelligent dog. He's been well-trained for many jobs and has skills beyond any other dog I've ever seen." "Yes," says the dog, "I know six languages, eight martial arts and I have a degree in engineering." The farmer, clearly very impressed by this dog- who wouldn't be impressed by that?- decides to take him home. That afternoon, the farmer and the dog walk together up hill, and from the top they can see the entire flock covering the fields. "Well," says the farmer, "I'd like you to round up all of these sheep.". "Okay." replies the dog, "You have nine hundred sheep."
I love my girlfriend Arial.
I'm quite font of her.
Its not anal bleaching
It's changing your ring tone
Luke:”Yoda, are we heading the right direction?”
Yoda:”Off course, we are.”
So I decided to build a Restaurant on the moon
The food is great and all but there's no atmosphere.
Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
What Did the Janitor Say When He Jumped Out of the Closet?
"Supplies!" I'll see myself out
I had a granny that we couldnt decide whether to bury or cremate
In the end we decided to just let her live.
Why was Pavlov’s hair soft?
Because he conditioned it
My wife is leaving me because she’s fed up with me talking like a news anchor.
More on this story later…
If Dodge made an electric car…
Would it be called a Dodge Chargeable
Dad jokes are important
They are a big part of pop culture
A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah’s Witness are lost..
They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night. "I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner. The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door. "I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me." "No problem," says the Rabbi, and he goes to the barn. Again though, he returns and knocks. "There is also a pig in there, and that is against our teachings." "I will go then, friends," says the Jehovah's Witness, and he proceeds to the barn. A few moments later, there is a knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig.
If you smoke seaweed
You need professional kelp
When does a car stop being a car?
When it turns into a driveway.
My doctor said that my narcissistic tendencies cause me to misread social interactions.
But I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me
12yr old daughter got me good
She walked up to me, hands behind her back.. "Check it out, dad! This is really funny looking!" "What? Lemme see…" And the little shit holds up a mirror to my face, giggling her head off. Payback is a bitch, little girl….
How do you get America to enter a World War?
Tell them it's almost over